[Red Moon]

Just get four-eyed fiend Tim out of there

Brace yourself and prepare for the 10 most terrifying words you will ever hear…

“Greetings wide-awaker. I’m Timmy Mallett – nice to meet you.”

Should you find yourself on the receiving end of this spine-chilling statement here’s my advice: commit suicide. There is untold horror ahead – it’s not worth going on. No surprises as deranged Mallett’s look-at-me-I’m-fun act turned out to be a fraudulent pretence.

Underneath that pathetic children’s telly façade lurks a much darker character. A loathsome little creep who derives delight from other people’s pain. What a Colin Hunt!

I don’t like Robert Kilroy-Slimeball. Who does? But when he braved the terrors of the Jungle Gym – at one point picking up a giant spider with his teeth – he earned our respect.

Face it…for one night only Kilroy was everyone’s hero.

Except for tawdry Tim, whose hysterical cackling throughout “Silksy’s” ordeal sounded suspiciously like sadism. The Marquis de Mallett… Shrugging off the contempt of his fellow campers, this four-eyed fiend giggled: “There’s a favourite word I use – I just say, ‘Boff’.”

Yeah, Tim – looking at you there’s a favourite word I use: F.off.

Talking of outright losers – dipstick David Van Day’s not a celebrity. Get him out of there. The crap pop dud turned Brighton burger flipper looks like a psycho. And behaves like one. Is that a really bad face lift? Or is he just ugly?

So much for the newcomers, whose controversial arrival in the camp brought some much needed friction to a rain-soaked series that was in danger of turning into a damp squib.

The hardy originals were getting a bit too boringly cosy and – with Sergeantgate dominating the headlines – ITV’s latest rumble in the jungle had become an uncharacteristically low key affair.

I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! is all about the contestants. And, with two weeks to go, the jury’s still out on whether they’ve got the mix right.

Kilroy is here. Hate to admit it … but the self-styled politician has been good value. So far.

“I’ve only spent four years apart from my wife in 46 years of marriage,” he revealed. I bet she enjoyed them.

Nice but dim ex-EastEnders “star” Joe Swash’s professional Cockney routine is wearing thin. But he wonders why he’s getting on so well with gay George Takei. Hey Joe… it’s because Mr Sulu fancies you. Say it ain’t so!

Oh my God…I LIKE unknown WAG Nicola McClean. There, I’ve said it. In stark contrast to dullsville dimwit Carly Zucker (did she mention she’s engaged to Joe Cole?), Nicola’s no fool.

Plucky pensioner Esther Rantzen’s sympathy sobbing for distraught cave dweller David Van Driver was toe curling. That’s trite!

“She finks she’s still on Childline,” sneered Nicola, hilariously.

And a very happy first birthday to Ms McClean’s massive artificial breasts. Thanks for the mammaries.

Source: Daily Mirror