[Shaun]

before this press conference starts, a guide to who's who. The man sat on the left of the picture is arista. He is a key role in behind the scenes management and creative design. The girl stood behind him is Su, she's his current partner. The man sat beside him is Shaun Collins, Producer of How to Solve a Problem Like Arista. Sat beside him is Twilight Twitty's agent, and entrepreneur, Ken Dodd, from TiBB Talent agencies. Sat on the right is Kim Jong-Il.



Kim: We'll take your questions now, dissidents.

REPORTER #1 SIR. What can we expect from this competition?

Shaun: We're hoping to unveil some hidden talents on ThisIsBigBrother.com. Arista here, [arista nods, solemnly], is one of the domain's most-loved members and unfortunately his vocal chords were shredded in the 90s thanks to New Labour Britain. We are seeking to give him a new voice; one which conveys emotion, passion and all of the gravitas that his written language packs.

African-American Reporter: ARE THERE ANY NAKED CHICKS?

Ken: No.

African-American Reporter, Anonymous Perverts #2 and #5 and Sticks leave.

REPORTER #2 Who will be appearing on the series?

Ken: The series will feature a number of surprising special performances. Twilight Twitty is doing us a massive favour and has, fantastically, offered to mentor the contestants one week. We are also in talks to get Schindler's Fist to perform on the opening show.

REPORTER #1: What is the format?

Shaun: The format heavily borrows from existing talent-search shows, such as The X Factor. I, and 3 other judges, shall watch as a number of acts perform, and the two with the lowest votes will have to face us + perhaps a deadlock. However, we will not be mentors to the contestants. As judges, we wish to be totally impartial.

Hysterical Fanatic: ARISTA! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

Arista: No. This is Not a Meet and
Greet. Please leave Now.

REPORTER #3: How do contestants apply?

Shaun: We're still looking for contestants and judges to apply. We've had a lot of interest from arista's colleagues and associates, and the man himself, [arista nods solemnly], and we're going to let that fester for a bit.

Kim: THAT WILL BE THE END OF QUESTIONING. LEAVE.

[Kim Jong-Il's guards raise their rifles...]