[Romantic Old Bird]

Moved from BB4 section before Sticks moans at me:

Overheard in the Big Brother longue earlier:

C: Stef, do you think I could actually WIN this thing?

S: I do, Cam. I think you stand a really good chance. I suppose we all do, because we’re still here.

C: Oh yes, of course we are. I had’na thought of that.

S: I mean, I’m the last girl, but I know I’ve got a lot of competition from the girlie votes.

C: Oh Stef, I will na’ get the girlie vote I would nae think. That’s more for Scott, and maybe Ray.

S: Yeah, but I think you’ve got a wider appeal. I think the mum’s and the housewives will like you as well.

C: Oh stop it! You’ll make me blush!

S: Well, you’re an attractive man

C: I’m no!

S: You are, and you aren’t worldly either. I think they’ll like that.

C: I’m not so sure. D’ye ken they would pick me above someone like Scott? He’s a good looking boy, and Ray, well he’s going to appeal to a lot of women I think.

S: Cameron, you’ve got to stop putting yourself down. They are just boys, and you are a man. Women want a real man.

C: Well, I suppose I am a good bit older than either of them.

S; You are, but it’s a good thing. You look like you know how to treat a lady.

C: Well, my mother has always taught me to be respectful……..

S: Yes and you are respectful Cameron. Very.

C: I’m sure you wouldnae like it if I was rough and ready. I could not treat a woman badly, on no. I always ask myself……..

S: I know, ‘What would Jesus do?’

C: Exactly.

S: I’m not sure that’s completely applicable to your relationship with women though Cam. I mean, Jesus was celibate. He didn’t have much contact with women at all.

C: He did, what about Mary Magdalene then? And his mother of course.

S: Well, I know about them, but he didn’t have a real relationship with them did he? Not in an intimate way, if you know what I mean.

C: Stef! You cannot talk aboot Jesus like that. That’s shocking!

S: Sorry Cameron, but you know what I mean.

C; I think I do yes, but I’m sure he was very caring towards women.

S: Give me an example then

C: Well, he saved Mary Magdalene from a fate worse than death.

S: Yes, I suppose

C: And he cured the sick

S: True. What else?

C: I’m sure there were lots of things he did.

Jon Tickle enters room and adds an aside: J: Yes, he also took fisherman away from their livelihoods, told them to abandon their families and sent them all around the meditteranean to spread the word.

C: Oh Jon, you cannae say that. It wasn’t like that. He changed their whole life for the better.

(Jon, casually walking through on his way to the Garden: )
J: Mmm, I suppose writing letters and ending up crucified upside down was a great comfort to Peter…..Just my opinion….(Jon leaves the room)

C: See, I don’t like that. Sometimes Jon says things that make me feel, well, a bit angry.

S: I know. He’s a funny bloke sometimes. Do you think he could win?

C: I suppose he might do. If Ray’s right, and he came back in on a public vote, then has must be popular out there.

S: Yes, but we don’t know do we? It’s women that vote anyway, and he won’t get the girlie vote will he? Or the Housewife’s vote.

C: No, that’s me, the housewives choice. Mind you when I was in South Africa…..

S: Yes, well, as I was saying Cam

C: But you have nae let me finish..

S: I think you do appeal to women Cam

C: Ach no……no really.

S: You do. But do you mind me saying, something to you?

C: No, go on Stef.

S: Well, I think you should be more masterful sometimes

C: Masterful? Well, when a smacked your bum you did not like it. That’s for sure..

S: That’s not masterful Cam. That’s something that I would expect from Ray.

C: So what’s masterful then?

S: Taking the lead a little bit in a relationship.

C: How so?

S: Well, you know, taking a woman in your strong arms, nuzzling into her neck, whispering in her ear……

C: I couldnae do that!

S: Covering her mouth with hot steamy kisses, taking her breath away, sliding your hands down her body……..

C: Stef!!

S: Guiding her firmly but gently to the floor, telling her that you want her. Now! …

C: Stef! Stef! Are you OK? You’ve gone all strange. Do you feel giddy?

S: What? Oh. Yes, I think I do. I might faint, Cameron, please - oh - I’m going to fall

C: Well, quickly, go near the settee then, so you don’t hurt yourself….

S: I can’t Cameron, I can’t make it, I’m going, catch me Cameron oooooooooh---THUMP!

Steph lies winded and motionless on the floor where she has fallen.

Opening one eye slowly she sees Cameron with his elephant mask in his hand, standing over her.

S: What? Why didn’t you catch me Cameron? Why are you holding that mask?

C: Well, what you were saying got me to thinking aboot Tapuwa. She wanted me to take hold of her like that.

S: Did she now? Well, did you?

C: No, of course not. It would nae have been right.

Stef, struggling to her feet alone as Cameron still stares at his mask……….

S: What makes you say that?

C: Well, I might have given her the idea that I would spend the night with her and I don’t think she wanted me just to sleep with her, d’ye ken?

S: I do ken Cameron. I ken very well. I’m seeing a new side to you now. You are a positive lothario.

C: Oh don’t say that Stef, I’m feeling embarrassed now. My mother would have been horr-i-fied if I’d done anything like that.

S: Well your mother doesn’t have to know everything you do. You don’t tell her everything do you?

C: Why ever not? I wouldnae do anything I couldnae share with my mother. That would be shocking.

S: Oh, Cameron!

C: It wouldnae be right.

S: Do you think you’ll ever have children Cameron?

C: I hope so

S: How do you think you’re going to get them then?

C: Well, with a wife of course.

S: Right, good, well I’m glad you know that much at least. I was getting worried. It's a start. But babies don't just come you know. You have to do something first...

C: D’ye mean the birds and the bees Stef?

S: Of course I do.

C: Well, I grew up in a farming community so I would know about that wouldn’t I?

S: Sorry Cameron, I didn’t think.

C: I’ve seen all the lambin’ and the calvin’. I know the storks don’t bring them.

S: They’d have to be big storks!

C: True. But I think it’s going to take a very special sort of woman

S: Of course. Someone who will look after you, cherish you and bring up the children

C: Yes. But the babies, it’s such a lot to ask of someone

S: Oh Cameron, don’t worry, if they love you, it will be an honour for them to bear your children…….

C: I know, but it’s the process, it’s so………

S: Wonderful! Really, it is! I can’t wait to have babies, I want loads.

C: Really Stef?

S: Really!

C: You wouldn’t mind going through all that?

S: Of course not. Some people would say they would enjoy the process Cameron. You might like it as well.

C: Oh, I couldnae’ look!

S: Why not? Birth is a beautiful thing.

C: Och aye, I’ve seen lot’s of calves and lambs being born

S: Well, what’s your problem then?

C; I mean the (whispers) ‘conception’

S: Well, call me stupid, but I would have thought that was one of the best parts about it!

C: Stef!!!

S: Well, it’s lovely

C: It is not!

S: It is, why not?

C: It’s so ……..well, ………intimate

S: Well, it has to be, that’s what makes it nice.

C: Well, I’d just as soon not look thank you very much

S: Well, I suppose you don’t HAVE to keep your eyes open, or you could do it in the dark.

C: Don’t be daft!

S: It’s not daft Cameron. If you’re bashful, why not?

C: Well, I’ve seen what the vet does, and I don’t want to put the syringe in the wrong place!!