[Benjamin]

Did this ages ago, thought I'd do it again. Go here to make your own.

http://www.plattbridger.myby.co.uk/bigbrother.htm

Day 1 - Shaun Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of Livia. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, Josy Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although Arista Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

2 - The House Sit Down For A Discussion Of How To Organise Simple Chores. Locke Creates Tension By Stating That The Kitchen Is Where The Women Belong. Kizzy Hits Him With A Spork.

3 - The Housemates Are Set Their First Task By Big Brother - They Must Make A Model Of Big Ben Out Of Horse Testicles. After Much Persuasion By Locke, They Gamble 50% Of Next Week's Food Budget On Completing The Task.

4 - Training For The Big Ben Task Is Well Under Way. However Havoc Ensues When Arista, Who Is Rapidly Developing A Reputation As The Laziest Bastard In The House, Eats Half The Horse Testicles. Kizzy Is Furious.

5 - Today Is The Day When The Big Ben Task Must Be Completed. Things Are Going Well Until Shortly Before The End When Arista Farts And Blows Big Ben Over. Big Brother Announces That The Task Has Been A Failure. Livia Cries.

6 - Locke Gets Pecked On The Arm By One Of The Big Brother Chickens. Not A Very Exciting Day.

7 - Big Brother Is Worried That Things Are Getting Dull, So He Summons The Housemates To Have A Mass Debate About Sex. After Far Too Many Cans Of Cider, Livia Admits That She Likes To Be Spanked On The Arse With A Spork. Shaun Says He Never Wears Condoms Because They Make His Nostril Sore And Locke Agrees. Josy Goes Into A Rant About How None Of The Other Housemates Have Ever Enjoyed A True Orgasm Because They're All Boring Heterosexual Bastards. Arista Sits In The Corner, Quietly Eyeing Up Locke.

8 - Today Is The First Day That The Housemates Must Nominate Someone To Leave. Shaun Goes Round Everyone One By One, Telling Them He Really Likes Them Because They're The Only One In The House That He Can Really Relate To. Kizzy And Livia Are Voted As The Two Candidates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Shaun.

9 - Kizzy And Livia Are Told Of Their Nominations And Burst Into Tears, Before Hugging Everyone And Telling Them They Love Them. Josy Sings Them A Song - The Period Song - To Make Them Feel Better.

10 - The Public Vote Livia Out Of The House. She Pretends Not To Be Bothered But Then Breaks Down And Sobs That She Should Never Have Admitted About Enjoying Being Spanked. Livia Leaves.

11 - Relationships Are Strained In The House As The Housemates Come To Terms With Livia's Departure. The Food Budget Is Low Due To The Failure Of Last Week's Failed Task. Josy Has To Make Do Without The Cucumber She Requested. Kizzy Is Visibly Depressed And Is Comforted By Locke, Who Tries To Touch Her On Her Breasticle.

12 - The Big Brother Psychologist Replays The Footage Of Locke Touching Kizzy's Breasticle Over And Over Again. This Is Because It Shows An Interesting Psychological Incident, Of Course, Not Because It Will Increase The Viewing Figures. Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Jogging The Circumference Of The Globe On A Running Machine. They Gamble 40% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

13 - The Running Machine Task Is On Target, Despite The Fact That Arista Refuses To Run Because His Nostril Hurts A Bit.

14 - Much Jubilation In The House As The Running Machine Task Is Completed. Arista Finally Manages To Run The Last 10 Metres Of The Task And Claims That Without Him They'd Never Have Done It. Kizzy Calls Arista A Lazy Nostril.

15 - Once Again It Is The Day When Nominations Are Due. Shaun Tells Everyone Individually That He Thinks Kizzy Is A *****. He Also Points Out That Anyone Who Wants To Stay At His Flat When The Show Is Finished Is Welcome To Come And Visit. Kizzy And Locke Are Nominated By The Housemates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Shaun.

16 - The Nominations Are Announced. Kizzy Can't Believe She's Been Voted Out Two Weeks In A Row. Locke Is Equally Stunned And Turns To Kizzy For Comfort. Arista Is Distraught And Confesses To Josy That He Thinks He Is In Love With Locke. Josy Says She Doesn't Fancy Any Of The Housemates Because They're All Just Too Heterosexual And She's A Lesbian, You Know.

17 - The Public Vote Locke Out Of The House. Kizzy Says She Is Gutted And Even Gives Locke A Clipping Of Hair From Her Breasticle To Prove How Much She Cares. Arista Is Also Devastated But Keeps His Hair To Himself. Locke Leaves.

18 - The Big Brother Psychologist Shows Repeated Clips Of Kizzy Clipping The Hair From Her Breasticle. Apparently This Is An Important Psychological Incident. The Public Obviously Agree As Viewing Figures Soar.

19 - Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Burping The National Anthem Of Eritrea In 60 Seconds. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

20 - Nobody Has A Clue What The National Anthem Of Eritrea Sounds Like But Arista Says It's A Bit Like Dancing Queen. The Housemates Choose Shaun As The One Who Must Complete The Task.

21 - Shaun Successfully Burps Not Only The National Anthem Of Eritrea But Also God Save The Queen, Cheeky Song And The Theme Tune To Big Brother. He Is Proclaimed As A Hero, Despite The Fact That A Vote In A Tabloid Newspaper Shows That 98% Of The Public Want To Kill Him.

22 - Nominations Are Due And Shaun Tells Everyone That He Has A Villa In The South Of France And They Can All Come And Stay For A Holiday. Arista And Josy Are Nominated.

23 - Arista And Josy Take Their Nominations Well And Sit Down With Shaun And Kizzy To Discuss Why They Voted For Them. Shaun Keeps Quiet But Kizzy Accuses Arista Of Being An Arrogant, Lazy, Self-centred Nostril Before Bursting Into Tears.

24 - The Public Vote Josy Out Of The House And Nobody Really Gives A ****. Josy Leaves.

25 - Shaun Becomes The First Housemate To Have A Wank. This Footage Goes Down Well With The Big Brother Pschologist Who Proclaims That It Gives Us A True Insight Into The Working Of Shaun's Mind And Brings Out His True Personality. In Other Words, He's A Wanker.

26 - Big Brother Sets The Remaining Three Housemates The Task Of Shifting 5000 Tons Of Sea Cow Dung Using Only A Spork. Shaun Is Unsure But Arista Is Confident, Claiming To Have Done Summat Very Similar When He Was Younger. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget.

27 - Completely Out Of The Blue, Arista Breaks Down In Tears And Announces That He Is Leaving. He Claims That It Is Because The Dung-shifting Task Has Brought Back The Painful Memories Of The Sea Cow Incident From His Childhood. Kizzy Tries To Persuade Him To Stay But Shaun Sits In A Corner, Rubbing His Hands Slyly. Arista Decides To Leave.

28 - With Only Two Housemates Remaining, The Sea Cow Dung Task Proves Impossible. They Fail Miserably And Resort To Getting Extremely Pissed On Some Vegetable Wine, Made By Kizzy From A Couple Of Mouldy Carrots She Found In The Big Brother Garden.

29 - Nominations Are Due For The Final Time. Shaun Asks Kizzy To Marry Him And She Accepts. Unsurprisingly Shaun Nominates Kizzy To Leave. Rather More Surprisingly, So Does Kizzy.

30 - When The Nomination Is Announced, Kizzy Graciously Accepts Defeat And Proclaims That Shaun Is A Worthy Winner. As They Are Soon To Marry, She Also Agrees To Shag Him. The Event Is Broadcast Live To The Nation And Is Preceded By A Speech From The Queen. Everyone In The Big Brother Production Crew Breathe A Huge Sigh Of Relief As Viewing Figures Go Through The Roof. Shaun Takes His £70,000 And Runs Away To Eritrea. Nobody, Including Kizzy, Ever Sees Him Again.