[Amy]

There's that big tombstone-toothed loon Vernon Kay for starters, who should be running the entertainments at a naff holiday camp.


Then flaming Phil Tufnell, who should be running a tacky sports bar in Essex (isn't that tautology?).


And Denise Van Outen, who in an ideal world would operate a mobile karaoke service around east London boozers.


And then there's charisma-free autocutie Kirsty Gallacher, who should give up pretending otherwise and just get on with being a page three girl.


But most of all, there's Ben Fogle.


You know the fella. Even if you can't place the name you'll know the Prince William looks and the toff-boy-does-Operation-Raleigh demeanour.


The foppy trust fundy hunk should really be showing people round a stately home (probably his own) or taking some of the guys from the City (housemates at Durham, then Clapham, natch) on an outward bounds weekend.


Instead, he's gone and bought an island. For his bird. As you do. With said bird being Vanessa, the obvious-SW3-ish-blonde-with-A-levels type hoofed from Big Brother.

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