[MB.]

#64



Points: 49

I’m glad my subliminal messaging (sticking the words ‘vote’ and ‘Kelsey’ into the thread tags) worked to a degree, as Kelsey comes in at a whopping 64th place in the ranking. When can your faves? Anyway, her appeal was generally being a fun stank bitch, the best member of the cast Third Wheel (Kelsey >> Jared > (half the cast) >>>>> Rail), and being a recruit who lolrandomed her way through the first eviction (since Crustine didn’t even get a single nomination, poor that, I’ll mentioned here that “I’ve waited sixteen years to say that I vote to evict Paige” is a season highlight srynotsry), eventually being booted after a few weeks for being a massive target and also being absolutely useless. But wait! This being Big Brother Canada, it was time for a twist lifted straight from BBUK circa-2004-and-every-year-afterwards in the form of the secret house. Of course, Kelsey was stuck in said secret house with her adversary and fellow strategic mess Loveita, who proceeded to give her a week-long crash course in how to play Big Brother. This came in handy when Kelsey was chosen to return, and promptly cockroached her way to the final two (alol <3). I’ll admit, the latter few weeks of BBCan4 weren’t the greatest time for Kelsey, especially when she had so many opportunities to go with the likes of Cassandra instead of the likes of, well, the brothers, and it was incredibly frustrating but also incredibly in-character for her not to. After all, she couldn’t beat Cassandra in a final two, but she could beat the brothers, right? Well, no. In a final act of being utterly incompetent at everything, Kelsey somehow threw away a kind of easy win (!!!) to Nick and Phil (!!!!!!!!) by giving terrible answers to the jury and not defending her game well enough and etc etc etc and thus a two-headed monster was born. But still, we’ll never forget the good times. In short: duck-stealing icon tbh?

#63



Points: 50

In many ways, Val may well have watched wibbly-wobbly Sandy from last year’s show and decided that this was something to try and challenge, as she turned up the middle-aged woman lulz to eleven, joyfully telling us about she listens to her cakes and does aerobics when baking, heartily laughing that she’ll never be allowed into Yorkshire again upon producing a particularly shoddy batch of puddings, nearly destroying the city of New York via the medium of gingerbread (I bet Bush did it) and weeping everywhere after getting eliminated. After the show, it was revealed that she was going on a holiday to Ayia Napa, which is very much a Val thing to do. Oh, and I’m sure they said at one point or another that she likes listening to Coldplay when baking, but hey, we can’t all be perfect.

ps: one of the top results when you search for Val on Google is “Val Stones Bake Off Mormon”, which would be an interesting production of The Book of Mormon to say the least.