[~Kizwiz~]

I've suffered from depression for over 10 years now and its getting worse as I get older. After moving back to Rutland I am very grateful that I have one of the best Doctors in my catchment. He thinks that rather than just pile pills on me and hope for the best, we should explore why I am like I am.

He sent me to the mental health team here in Rutland. I had to wait ages for an appointment and I finally got to see an Occupational Therapist (OT) to 'assess' me.

I was told to be prepared to talk about things and to go with a diary of how I was feeling over the past month or so. I sat with her for over 2 hours and poured my heart out. She brought things out to the surface that I have suppressed for many many years and now those scars are very much open and exposed. Making things so much more worse than they were when I started.

She said that she would go back to her team and discuss the next step.

I didnt get very far because they dont have the funds to help me, apparently, on the back of this OT's 2 hour assessment of me I have a 'personality disorder' so they turned me away

So I am back to square one, being completely spun around with horrid mood swings which can turn so quickly, self loathing and hatred, obsessive compulsiveness that goes way beyond normal. And manic highs that get so out of control that I have to take a valium to bring me down from the ceiling that leave me with lows so bad that I have to way up if its worth being here having to cope with the horrors in my head.

If it wasnt for my kids and Red then I would have taken my life because right now its hell in my head.