[abs]

>>>
The 1st Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A married man was having an affair
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>> > with his secretary.
>
>> > One day they went to her place
>
>> > and made love all afternoon.
>
>> > Exhausted, they fell asleep
>
>> > and woke up at 8 PM.
>
>> > The man hurriedly dressed
>
>> > and told his lover to take his shoes
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>> > outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
>> > He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
>> > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>
>> > "I can't lie to you," he replied,
>
>> > "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>
>> > We had sex all afternoon."
>
>> > She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
>> > "You lying bastard!
>
>> > You've been playing golf!"
>
>> >
>
>> > The 2nd Affair
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>> >
>
>> > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
>
>> > but always talked about having a son.
>
>> > They decided to try one last time
>
>> > for the son they always wanted.
>
>> > The wife got pregnant
>
>> > and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
>> > The joyful father rushed to the nursery
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>> > to see his new son.
>
>> > He was horrified
>
>> > at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
>> > He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby.
>
>> > Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>
>> > Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>
>> > The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>
>> > "Not this time!"
>
>> >
>
>> > The 3rd Affair
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>> >
>
>> > A mortician was working late one night.
>
>> > He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
>
>> > about to be cremated,
>
>> > and made a startling discovery.
>
>> > Schwartz had the largest private part
>
>> > he had ever seen!
>
>> > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
>
>> > commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
>
>> > with such an impressive private part.
>
>> > It must be saved for posterity."
>
>> > So, he removed it,
>
>> > stuffed it into his briefcase,
>
>> > and took it home
>
>> > "I have something to show
>
>> > you won't believe," he said to his wife,
>
>> > opening his briefcase.
>
>> > "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
>
>> > "Schwartz is dead!"
>
>> >
>
>> > The 4th Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A woman was in bed with her lover
>
>> > when she heard her husband
>
>> > opening the front door.
>
>> > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>
>> > She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>
>> > then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
>> > "Don't move until I tell you,"
>
>> > she said, " pretend you're a statue."
>
>> > "What's this?" the husband inquired
>
>> > as he entered the room.
>
>> > "Oh it's a statue," she replied,
>
>> > "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>
>> > so I got one for us, too."
>
>> > No more was said,
>
>> > not even when they went to bed.
>
>> > Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>
>> > went to the kitchen and returned
>
>> > with a sandwich and a beer.
>
>> > "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
>
>> > I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>
>> > and nobody offered me a damned thing."
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>> >
>
>> > The 5th Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A man walked into a cafe,
>
>> > went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
>> > "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
>
>> > "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>
>> > He glanced at the menu and asked:
>
>> > "How much for a nice juicy steak
>
>> > and a bottle of wine?"
>
>> > "A nickel," the barman replied.
>
>> > "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
>
>> > "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>
>> > The bartender replied:
>
>> > "Upstairs, with my wife."
>
>> > The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
>
>> > with your wife?"
>
>> > The bartender replied:
>
>> > "The same thing
>
>> > I'm doing to his business down here."