[Shaun]

Finally, I felt a little generous and uncertain as where to put these awards other than here. 10 individual categories, each with their own winner. How festive.

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Best Song I Felt too Pretentious to Include: "Blurred Bynes" by DWV.
It was a close contest between this and 'Boy is a Bottom' to be honest, but what better way to eradicate a catchy-as-**** song's misogynist undertones than to turn it into a critique on 2013's favourite nutjob?


Lyric of the Year: "Work" by Iggy Azalea.
Well done, everyone.


Best Album I was Harsh To: ARTPOP by Lady GaGa
It was still a mess but not quite the travesty I made it out to be. Still never going to buy it tho.

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Best Eurovision Entry: Krista Siegfrids
No other song came close. Good night and god bless.

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Best Music Video: "Annabel" by Goldfrapp
This was a 3-way toss-up between this, Yeah Yeah Yeahs' "Sacrilege" and Janelle Monae's "Q.U.E.E.N." In the end I went for the song I didn't place on my tracks countdown. For sentimental reasons: the video is an airy, delicate representation of transgender(ism?) in youth, and introducing colour gradually throughout the video is a masterstroke. Really moving piece of film, and a cute song to boot.


Brightest Hope for 2014: Robyn
NOT ONLY, by being 2014, are we four years on from her last (three) efforts, and recorded material is surely imminent, but Sweden's greatest export of all time also happens to be working and touring with Royksopp. The last time that occured, magic happened. I'm still getting enough enjoyment out of dramatically reenacting the Call Your Girlfriend video but yeah, new stuff please Miss Carlsson.

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Best Song now a Decade Old: "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
The greatest thing ever to come out of talent shows, hands down. And that's a category that include Girls Aloud's Biology and Will Young's Jealousy. This song is a force of nature.


2013 Talent Most Likely to Fail the 2nd Time Around: Tom Odell
Sorry 'bout it.


The Pied Piper Award for Rats Fleeing a Sinking Ship: Azealia Banks
Last one out, turn off the lights. Oh and burn the copies of ATM Jam.


Worst Awards Show Moment: All of the Grammys
Gotye record of the year? Mumford and Sons album of the year? fun. song of the year? An N*SYNC reunion, Bruno Mars tribute to Bob Marley, and no main wins for Frank Ocean? **** all of that.