[Red Moon]

In the business of becoming a C-list celebrity

AS PROVEN by the current ubiquity of the vile Katie Hopkins, The Apprentice has joined Big Brother as a fast-track to C-list celebrity status. Contestants might claim that they want to kneel before the altar of Sir Alan, but clearly most of them would much rather earn a few bob by "revealing all" to the tabloids and starring in cheap reality shows such as Syed Ahmed - Hot Air?

You may remember Syed from the last series of The Apprentice. He was the ludicrously arrogant buffoon with an inflated sense of self-regard in direct disproportion to his actual talents. This could serve as a description of every Apprentice contestant, of course, but Syed was particularly idiotic. But Syed has a dream. He wants to "make towels history". Move aside Bono, take a bath Sir Bob, this is the world-saving movement we've all been waiting for.

Syed seemed unreasonably concerned about hygiene in gyms, and had invented a full-length body dryer that would "revolutionise drying throughout the world". The trouble was, Syed had zero experience in engineering, and clearly had no idea what he was talking about. But that didn't stop him from ploughing £20,000 of his own money into his crackpot scheme.

This amusing one-off was basically an excuse to mock Syed and his hopeless delusions. Of course, he himself probably didn't see it that way. Like all Apprentice hopefuls, Syed suffers from a blind spot which prohibits him from seeing the truth about himself. He's the sort of person who describes himself as "crazy" with a straight face, a deluded fantasist whose unbeatable optimism clearly masks a searing inner turmoil. I almost felt sorry for him.

There were more misguided entrepreneurs in the first episode of Tycoon, ITV's shameless rip-off of both The Apprentice and Dragon's Den. It even centred around one of the stars of the latter, the odious Peter Jones, who constantly wears the expression of a man trapped in a whiffy lift. But, outwith the sanctity of his den, Jones just seemed awkward. Worse, he actually tried to be nice to the contestants, which looked about as natural as Pol Pot at a petting zoo.

These programmes prove that there are a staggering amount of delusional people out there. "I can make mountains move," said one woman through clenched teeth and tears, when what she clearly meant was, "I'm desperate. I'm frightened. My life has no purpose. Please God, help me." These people need therapy more than money.

Andrew Marr's History Of Modern Britain sailed to its climax last night in a blaze of Blair, Brown and Britpop. The joy of this magnificent series was in the colourful details peppered throughout Marr's engaging lecture. For example, did you know that the restaurant where Blair and Brown made their famous deal is now a Tex-Mex place fittingly renamed Desperadoes? And that former EastEnders actress Susan Tully was also dining there that night? Or that John Major once lived in a shabby Brixton building with "a cat burglar, a Jamaican later arrested for stabbing a policeman, and a trio of cheery Irish tax-dodgers"?

Marr would make a fantastic teacher; his enthusiasm for his subject shines through every wry aside and assertion. True, he did get a little carried away occasionally, hamming it up to such an extent that he often sounded like Chris Morris's ludicrously tenacious alter-ego Ted Maul. But still he's utterly deserving of his inevitable BAFTA - hopefully one with big brass ears just for him.

Source: Scotsman