[Swan]

Just curious in other peoples opinions on thus -

Is it somewhat common for a partner to be infatuated with someone else? And has anyone on here been into another guy, but never really 'deep down' wanted go there?

See, im seeing someone and almost overnight she has changed, though in hindsight this has probably been coming/building over time. She spends all her time playing games online with this guy, always there, always at his beck and call. She's adamant she 'doesn't like him like that' but has admitted she finds him attractive.

I will mention that this is an online relationship, she's not with him physically, or with me for that matter. But it feels just as real as any other relationship i've had and we were on the phone and gaming all the time. However, she just can't get enough of this bloke. Do i trust her, and her saying she's not into him like that, even though every single sign is there? Or do i just accept that's life and try and move on?

[Swan]

I have told her how it makes me feel, i don't mind her spending time with other people, but i mean she was home from work at 3pm yesterday, and with him from then on until 1am. I will add others usually play games with them online too, they're alone about a 3rd of the time.

[Cherie]

do you live with her Swan?

[Swan]

Originally Posted by Cherie

do you live with her Swan?

No, but we've been really close, on phone 24/7 for about 3 years. Even when we weren't on the romantic level, we were always chatting, voice, video calls etc.

This guy is online too. She ins't psychically with him. He streams games on twitch, he plays the guitar which she absolutely laps up.

[Vicky.]

IDK here. I have had online infatuations before where I knew **** all would come of it for whatever reason, yet still the infatuation was there and at one stage when I was mid teens I even neglected my life somewhat for an online thing with some guy. Again who I fancied but it wouldnt happen.

I dont know if that helps somewhat. But I was never..talking to them in the hope we would get together or anything real, I think it was an escape reality thing more than anything else? May not be explaining that right.

[Niamh.]

I wouldn't be impressed if it was Gavin online with some girl like that, I wouldn't be OK with it and I seriously doubt he would be if it were the other way round either

[Swan]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

IDK here. I have had online infatuations before where I knew **** all would come of it for whatever reason, yet still the infatuation was there and at one stage when I was mid teens I even neglected my life somewhat for an online thing with some guy. Again who I fancied but it wouldnt happen.

I dont know if that helps somewhat. But I was never..talking to them in the hope we would get together or anything real, I think it was an escape reality thing more than anything else? May not be explaining that right.

That's actually really helpful. I've googled a million different things, read plenty of stories, but none like yours Vicky, so yes that's incredibly helpful. And you make perfect sense!

See, she does say she loves me, only a few days ago it was 'i love you, i only want you; it's always you'. But her actions really do say something different. She can't get enough of this guy, it's plain and simple and is beyond reasonable doubt now.

It's a massive head****!

[Swan]

Originally Posted by Niamh.

I wouldn't be impressed if it was Gavin online with some girl like that, I wouldn't be OK with it and I seriously doubt he would be if it were the other way round either

Yeah it really hurts, and im starting to hate her for it. Im not going to be a doormat, but before all this i was really fond of her, and still am. Again, im just super confused. And hurting.

[AnnieK]

Do you see each other irl? Or is it strictly online? Can you join their chat and games or does she make it so its just her and him?

Hope you sort it....trust takes years to build and seconds to break so try to make sure you get the whole situation before making any decisions.

Hope you can sort it

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Swan

That's actually really helpful. I've googled a million different things, read plenty of stories, but none like yours Vicky, so yes that's incredibly helpful. And you make perfect sense!

See, she does say she loves me, only a few days ago it was 'i love you, i only want you; it's always you'. But her actions really do say something different. She can't get enough of this guy, it's plain and simple and is beyond reasonable doubt now.

It's a massive head****!

OK this is going to come across a little brutal so I apologise in advance

I was not with anyone for the first one. So it didnt matter. However with the second, I was with someone I didnt love by that stage so it was not an issue. I am trying to put myself in the situation of having this happen when I was with someone I loved and I cannot see that the infatuation would go on? For the simple fact that if I was happy at the time I would not be even thinking about escaping to 'the fantasy'.

While I totally get its not about actually getting with that person..I would also not be impressed at all if a partner was doing this. I would accept that they didnt want to start something really with that person...but I would also think they must be unhappy with me to do it to start with

I kinda..ummed and ahhed about posting this. I genuinely am sorry if it comes across badly too but I kinda think honest opinions are better than 'being nice' when its a real life thing? IDK.

[Swan]

Originally Posted by AnnieK

Do you see each other irl? Or is it strictly online? Can you join their chat and games or does she make it so its just her and him?

Hope you sort it....trust takes years to build and seconds to break so try to make sure you get the whole situation before making any decisions.

Hope you can sort it

We haven't no, but video chatted tons, talk on the phone tons, or we did. We were planing to meet in December when we get time off work. If i put myself out i could have maybe be joined, but she's very reluctant when i suggest that. Well she would be with him, just them two yes, if he asks she's there. However he regularly asks other people to join them.

Im thinking of just going no contact, i've read it's pretty effective no matter what.

[Swan]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

OK this is going to come across a little brutal so I apologise in advance

I was not with anyone for the first one. So it didnt matter. However with the second, I was with someone I didnt love by that stage so it was not an issue. I am trying to put myself in the situation of having this happen when I was with someone I loved and I cannot see that the infatuation would go on? For the simple fact that if I was happy at the time I would not be even thinking about escaping to 'the fantasy'.

While I totally get its not about actually getting with that person..I would also not be impressed at all if a partner was doing this. I would accept that they didnt want to start something really with that person...but I would also think they must be unhappy with me to do it to start with

I kinda..ummed and ahhed about posting this. I genuinely am sorry if it comes across badly too but I kinda think honest opinions are better than 'being nice' when its a real life thing? IDK.

No no, it can't really get any worse anyway lol. She's there, wherever he is, 24/7. So even if it sounds harsh, just be straight. It will help me in the long run.

And thank you.

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Swan

Im thinking of just going no contact, i've read it's pretty effective no matter what.

No contact worked for me tbh. Thats effectively how I ended my marriage as if I did not do it that way I would have crumbled and stayed and been unhappy for longer and the cycle just kinda repeats. No contact has made everything easier. From my perspective anyway.

[Swan]

I mean it's her day off, my day off, first thing she does is go into his stream and asks if she can join him in game. She's obsessed.

I know she likes him, but im not sure is he likes her.

[Swan]

Im going to be somewhat brutal now, she isn't what you'd call 'pretty' (obviously to me she is the most stunning woman in the world, but in reality others wouldn't see her like that). She isn't used to getting male attention, she's 40 now, and had two partners in her life, both have left her. She's got a heart of gold, can be a bit moody, but this guy she's lusting over does have a few women 'thirsting' over him.

He actually comes across as a nice guy. Too nice almost. Either way, whatever she is thinking, whatever is going on with her, she's obsessed.

[parmnion]

Originally Posted by Swan

Yeah it really hurts, and im starting to hate her for it. Im not going to be a doormat, but before all this i was really fond of her, and still am. Again, im just super confused. And hurting.

Take the advice from your sig.

[Swan]

And i increasingly feel like her 'safety net' if this doesn't go anywhere. Because she say's she loves me and doesn't like him like that, but i know her, she can't get enough of him.

But i know deep down she isn't a bitch, she just isn't. So im so confused. I just know i can't put up with her being around him 24/7 anymore. And when i bring up how i feel it's just a hassle.

See i've always chased her, always said 'that's it im done' then 3 hours later im messaging her. Then becoming desperate when she doesn't reply. That DOES need to stop, the last message i sent was last night saying im probably gonna end things, and that we are over (all games, we never grow up when it comes to love), she hasn't got back to me and i know she wont today because she'll be with him. Should i not message her whatsoever, and just wait and see if she messages me down the road?

[Swan]

Originally Posted by parmnion

Take the advice from your sig.

Forgot about sig, but you're right!

[Vicky.]

May be massive lust for her then. From you describing them. That and relishing the attention of a guy she sees as..well I dont want to say perfect but..kinda there?! Would reinforce the 'it will never happen' aspect from her side too, if thats how it is. Again, if that makes sense?

That said, and I know this is overshare but meh. I had a kind of similar situation recently. Had met this guy in real life though so it was a bit different but I did get a kinda infatuation with him. He is ****ing stunning. Seriously. And seems so nice and funny and all that ****. Anyway, it was harmless flirting (for months and months on facebook after meeting him just once) to me as in my mind like **** would he ever have any interest. Well. Hes now not just a fantasy to me.

So again, the problem here is if the guy ever showed her genuine interest? Like, I imagine she would jump at the chance. To her, its not real or possible, but if he decided it should be real she would be happy.

Thinking this through properly, I say lose her before you get in deeper as this doesnt sound healthy for someone in a relationship..and I think you will end up hurt. Regardless.

[Swan]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

May be massive lust for her then. From you describing them. That and relishing the attention of a guy she sees as..well I dont want to say perfect but..kinda there?! Would reinforce the 'it will never happen' aspect from her side too, if thats how it is. Again, if that makes sense?

That said, and I know this is overshare but meh. I had a kind of similar situation recently. Had met this guy in real life though so it was a bit different but I did get a kinda infatuation with him. He is ****ing stunning. Seriously. And seems so nice and funny and all that ****. Anyway, it was harmless flirting (for months and months on facebook after meeting him just once) to me as in my mind like **** would he ever have any interest. Well. Hes now not just a fantasy to me.

So again, the problem here is if the guy ever showed her genuine interest? Like, I imagine she would jump at the chance. To her, its not real or possible, but if he decided it should be real she would be happy.

Thinking this through properly, I say lose her before you get in deeper as this doesnt sound healthy for someone in a relationship..and I think you will end up hurt. Regardless.

I think that's the nail on head, deep down i know it is. Im just afraid to admit it to myself because when we feel this gut wrenching pain, we are looking for that slither of hope. She doesn't think he'd go for her, and in all honesty im not sure he would either (maybe he would, who knows). But yes she is there all the time with him trying to get him to show interest in her, and if he did/does i know she'd be gone for good, no matter what she says. She always says about he has so many people after him and he's never gonna go for her anyway. Im not willing to be 2nd best if this does go tits up for either.

I just dunno how she could do this to me, but what the heart wants and all that...And yes Vicky, the sun shines out his arse to her, everything he does is amazing.

It's really time for me to face reality, i know it is!

[Swan]

She was always incredibly jealous if i even spoke to another woman, that's gone since him too.

**** me man, this sucks so much. But i need to be realistic i guess.

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Swan

I think that's the nail on head, deep down i know it is. Im just afraid to admit it to myself because when we feel this gut wrenching pain, we are looking for that slither of hope. She doesn't think he'd go for her, and in all honesty im not sure he would either (maybe he would, who knows). But yes she is there all the time with him trying to get him to show interest in her, and if he did/does i know she'd be gone for good, no matter what she says. She always says about he has so many people after him and he's never gonna go for her anyway. Im not willing to be 2nd best if this does go tits up for either.

I just dunno how she could do this to me, but what the heart wants and all that...And yes Vicky, the sun shines out his arse to her, everything he does is amazing.

It's really time for me to face reality, i know it is!

Well I thought this too

And am sure everyone else did looking at the pair of us tbh. I mean, its nowt serious but..still.

You need to end this really. Also, you sound like you are trying to put her down because you are feeling bad about her lusting after this other guy too? Like the 'shes not attractive' stuff. This might make you feel better about the whole situation but thats kinda not healthy either? It makes me think that you aren't happy either. So basically, best way it to just let her continue in her fantasy that would be reality if he decided so..and you find someone more suited?

[LeatherTrumpet]

Im not very good at relationships so my advice is from bad relationships - i find that your gut-instinct tends to be correct

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

Im not very good at relationships so my advice is from bad relationships - i find that your gut-instinct tends to be correct

Yeah always trust your gut. Thats good advice anyway in life generally! The one time I went against it ended very badly. So I listen to it now, even if it seems to make no sense at the time.

[parmnion]

I've just remembered I'm being chased by a geordie lass, I hadnt spoken to her since my little sister brought her home one night years and years ago.

I did sleep with her older sister though and was married to her step sister for 12 years.

But she wants me. I however cant be arsed anymore with all the hassle of a new relationship, so I made it clear it would just be for sex, and would probably only be one time.