[Red Moon]

That’s hard to Swallow, even for BB

DO you know what the definition of a bad idea is?

Getting someone who’s so myopic that they get print on their nose when reading a book to compose a huge shopping list in incey-wincey tiny writing.

Something is inevitably going to go wrong.

And in the case of the Big Brother house this week, where short- sighted albino rapper Darnell Swallow was put in charge of ordering in provisions for the team, it was always going to go wrong big style.

As a result, the BB pantry ended up looking like someone with an advanced case of Alzheimer’s had been to do the weekly shop.

“Er, Darnell, we asked for potatoes, fruit, veg, cigs and chocolate. You’ve come back with an economy pack of charcoal briquettes, a self-cleaning ironing board and a collapsible greenhouse.”

OK, so it wasn’t quite that random you understand, but BB’s own Vanilla Ice – or imagine a photo-negative of Vin Diesel – did forget the all-important spuds, which meant no chips for anyone, and he asked for plain flour instead of the self-raising kind, meaning no cakes would get baked.

The latter news, in particular, hit poor blind, hygenically-suspect Mikey very hard indeed.

He careered around the house, pacing back and forth, wearing out the same bit of bed- room carpet with his long, uncut toenails, while pulling furiously at his hair and yelling: “No cakes, man. I’m raging!”

I feel sorry for Darnell, you know, it’s not his fault. And then he opens his mouth, says things like: “Damn man, tell me you ain’t down wit’ ‘dat, yo!” and I hate him all over again.

Darnell, stop talking like one of the Beastie Boys, you’re from Ipswich, not South Central Los Angeles. OK, so you lived in the US for a while, but I lived in the East End of London for eight years and you don’t hear me talking like Ray Winstone.

And, as if food deprivation wasn’t bad enough, the contestants had to sift through a pile of manure in the garden, transporting it from one end of the lawn to the other.

I remember looking at my watch at the time, seeing there was another 45 minutes of it to go and thought: “Hmm, shovelling ****? What a brilliant metaphor for this column I have to write every week on this terrible show.”

Source: Wales Online

[jonsep]

i half blame the hms for darnels colaminous food choices they shouldv thought about his eyesight befor they elected him,its quite clear the man has tsken it realy hard so i hope dale doesnt stab him in the back.

[bigbr0ther]

Wow, I just love this guy. I'll have to start reading his column! He's hilarious!

[kjago]

you can't atribute Darnells bad eyesight to forgetting basics like potatoes, vegtables, tea and coffee.