[Z]

Originally posted by Princess
My grandad has now died,his funeral is on my dad's birthday. I'm not allowed to see my mum and when I spoke to her on the phone earlier her speech was so slurred I couldn't understand a word she said except 'I love you',oh and she's not allowed out for her birthday. On top of everything I already wrote.....

Oh Laura, I wish I could give you a hug right now . I demand you listen to Shine on repeat for 30 minutes, I always feel positive when I hear that song.



My parents hate me right now, my Dad accepted my apology and then fought with my Mum over me, now they're ignoring each other, my Mum's ignoring me and my Dad's ignoring me again because I effectively caused him to fall out with my Mum, even though I said "don't get into a fight with her" because I knew he would blame me, but he did and he does. I really just want to cry and get away from them, but I don't really have anywhere else I can go, I don't like sharing my problems with my friends, I find it so much easier to just keep things to myself - part of the argument I had with them yesterday was that they think I'm selfish because I don't tell them anything about my life; it's not because I'm selfish, I just hate speaking about myself, I have a whole heap of insecurities that they're not even aware of because I've never ever spoken to them about my problems, ever. The whole argument started yesterday because, ironically, I told my Mum about a minor problem I was having. Does that not justify me not telling them anything ever, if this is the kind of thing that happens when I do? I don't want to sound like one of those people who's like "I have trust issues, somebody give me attention" but I think I do have trust issues, and I really don't like people giving me attention, it makes me feel awkward and I just become really introverted as a result - then I let something slip out and suddenly I feel justified in being so quiet. I'm otherwise totally fine in social settings, I just tend to accumulate problems, keep them to myself and occasionally crack, and then people hate on me and the whole thing starts again. Somebody once suggested to me that I go see someone professionally, thinking that it would be a massive help to me - I can't think of anything worse than sitting face to face with someone I don't even know, telling them all my problems and my biggest fears and waltzing out of there feeling just super duper. Am I selfish for not telling my parents anything about my life; my problems? I really don't think so, but they keep telling me that, and they keep telling me I "live in my own dream world." It'd be nice to live in my own dream world where nothing could affect me, but seriously, I don't live in a dream world, I live in a world where half the time I feel really happy and I'm always laughing, I come home and feel depressed because I'm constantly being told that I'm doing something wrong or I'm useless or that I live in a dream world. I have to make a Uni decision shortly; my Mum's not so subtle tactic has been to put me down ("you can't look after yourself at all,") and to talk up living at home ("you can move out at your own leisure.") It's having the opposite effect on me, it's made me more determined to leave home, I think I'd be happier away from here.

[/jumbled ramble]

[cry myself to sleep]

[/wrists]