[splodge0]

Thought this thread might be more up your street..................!!

The was an old man from Bosham
Who took at his falseteeeth to wash 'em
His wife said Oh Jack
If you don't put 'em back
I'll jump in the sink and squash 'em

(Heavily censured)

[kaphc]

I made up a limerick about my daughter the other day. Would you all like to hear it? Alright then.

There was a young girl called Maddie
Who lived with her mummy and daddy
She liked having a bath
Drinking milk was a laugh
But sometimes she had a big paddy!

[BusyBee]

The only limericks I know just couldnt possibly be posted on this site.

[Mairi]

I know one, I know one.....

There was an old lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside

Boom Boom!!!!!!

[Janette]

A tooter who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tooter,
"Is it harder to toot, or
to tutor two tooters to toot?"


A youthful beef-packer named Young,
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
Pushed his wife's ma, unseen,
In the chopping machine,
Then canned it and labelled it 'Tongue'


A blonde-haired young lady from Wales
Applied for a job tracking sales
When they asked, "Can you file?"
She proceeded to smile
And held up ten pretty red nails


There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes

[splodge0]

And the original versions????

[Janette]

Don't tempt me Splodge!!!!!






BTW, how long did it take you to do your signature?

[Romantic Old Bird]

Here's some to help with your physics homework:

It filled Galileo with mirth
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.
He gladly proclaimed,
"Their rates are the same,
And quite independent of girth!"


Then Newton announced in due course
His own law of gravity's force:
"It goes, I declare,
As the inverted square
Of the distance from object to source."


But remarkably, Einstein's equation
Succeeds to describe gravitation
As spacetime that's curved,
And it's this that will serve
As the planets' unique motivation.


Yet the end of the story's not written;
By a new way of thinking we're smitten.
We twist and we turn,
Attempting to learn
The Superstring Theory of Witten!

[Graeme]

SHE ONCE HAD A COW THAT WAS GRAZING
THE SIZE OF THE COW WAS AMAZING
WE REMEMBER THE DAY
OF THE COW EATING HAY
'CAUSE SOON AFTER CHICAGO WAS BLAZING

THE SURGEON HAD FINISHED UP SEWING
THE FEET ON A MAN WITHOUT KNOWING
HE SWITCHED THEM AROUND
NOW HE WALKS INTO TOWN
THEY CAN'T TELL IF HE'S COMING OR GOING

THERE ONCE WAS A GUY WHO BUILT MODELS
SOMETIMES HE PUT THEM IN BOTTLES
SOMETHING IN THE GLUE
MADE HIS BRAIN GO ASKEW
AND NOW HE CAN'T WALK HE JUST WADDLES

I ONCE PLAYED A PRACTICAL JOKE
AND PUT POWDER IN SOME OLD MANS SMOKE
HE GAGGED AND HE WHEEZED
BUT IT WERN'T TILL HE SNEEZED
THAT THE PIPE JUST BLEW UP THE OLD BLOKE

I JUST GOT A GALLON OF BEER
THE TENDER SAID CLOSING TIME'S NEAR
SO I DRANK AND I CHUGGED
I CHUGGED AND I GLUGGED
AND SAID "ISH AIRE A BAFROOM IN" BLAAAAAAAAAH

THERE ONCE WAS A FARMER FROM LEEDS
WHO SWALLOWED A PACKET OF SEEDS
IT SOON CAME TO PASS
HE WAS COVERED WITH GRASS
BUT HAS ALL THE TOMATOES HE NEEDS

THERE ONCE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED BRIGHT
WHOSE SPEED WAS MUCH FASTER THAN LIGHT
SHE SET OUT ONE DAY
IN A RELATIVE WAY
AND RETURNED ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
WHO KEPT ALL HIS CASH IN A BUCKET
BUT HIS DAUGHTER NAMED NAN
RAN AWAY WITH A MAN
AND AS FOR THE BUCKET, NAN TUCKET

A BATHER WHOSE CLOTHING WAS STREWED
BY WINDS THAT LEFT HER QUITE NUDE
SAW A MAN COME ALONG
AND UNLESS WE ARE WRONG
YOU EXPECTED THIS LINE TO BE LEWD

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY FROM CLYDE
WHO ATE FORTY APPLES AND DIED
THE APPLES FERMENTED
INSIDE THE LAMENTED
AND MADE CIDER INSIDE HER INSIDES

A FLEA AND A FLY IN A FLUE
WERE IMPRISONED SO WHAT COULD THEY DO
SAID THE FLY LET US FLEE
LET US FLY SAID THE FLEA
SO THEY FLEW THROUGH A FLAW IN THE FLUE

THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM LYME
WHO COULDN'T GET HIS LIMERICKS TO SOUND RIGHT
WHEN THEY ASKED HIM WHY NOT
IT WAS SAID THAT HE THOUGHT
THEY WERE OVERLY LONG, AND FAR TOO COMPLEX, POSSIBLY EVEN DULL

[Princess Pink Pants]

I hope these arent too rude!

There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were constructed of brass
When jangled together
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass!

There once was a pirate (the story relates)
who liked to go dancing on roller skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and virtually useless on dates.

There once was a technician named Lil.
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!

There once was a monk from Kerplunks
Whose body was that of a hunk's
The nuns all went woozy
when he stepped into the jacuzzi
For the monk had forgotten his trunks

There was a young lady from Bude
Who had scenes of old England tattooed
Her Boyfriend, one day
went the whole Penine Way
With Cheddar Gorge still to be viewed

There once was a girl from Norway
Who hung from her toes in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
Hey, look at me Joe,
I think I've found one more way!

(This was on a tape that had messages for answering machines)

There once was a man from Nantucket,
who was old, but not yet kicked the bucket,
don't be a creep,
at the sound of the beep,
leave a message or you can just f-- orget about anyone calling you back!