[Mark]

Weekend in Reading


Date: Saturday 11th August 2001

Time: About 11.30am

Place: Somewhere just outside Reading in the Royal County of Berkshire

Scene: The splendid ranch styled breakfast kitchen in Casa Clarke.

Players:
Ken: Special Effects set designer aged 54,
(reading the paper at the table)

Jen: 51, a successful PR and his lovely wife
(unloading the dishwasher)

Lee: 14, their younger son
(playing on his playstation lying on the floor)

Paul: 25, Elder son and heir. Successful freelance car door designer and sometime international Popstar.
(Upstairs in the bathroom, putting the final touches to his hair gel)

Helen: 23, Bubbly blonde Welsh hairdresser and Paul's new girlfriend
(Enters room wearing a striking leopard skin patterned dressing gown)

H: Hell-ooow! Morning! It's nice to see you all again!

J: Hello dear - sorry we had gone to bed by the time you got here last night. Did you sleep well?

H: No, not reaallly!!!

K: No and I didn't either!

J: Ken, please! The boy is listening!

L: What? Why what's going on?

J: Nothing dear!

L: (To Helen) They never tell me nothing!

H: Hello Lee!

Paul enters room, looking double cool in his light blue boxer shorts

P: Morning Mum, morning Dad, Waasssup Lee!

L: Pleeease - that is SO 6 months ago!

P: Chill, Lee! Hey, Dad, sorry about the noise last night when we got in. It took me ages to shake off the tabloids. Hey, Lee mate - listen to this! Ended up, me and H, we had to jump from this moving car, over a crevasse, and into a raging torrent!

H: Paul Clarke! We did not! You forgot to put the handbrake on, and when the car rolled back you tripped in a pothole and fell in a puddle!

P: Weeellll...it WAS really weird!

L: Huh! I'm going upstairs!

P: See ya bro! Big up tha Readin’ massif!

L: Groan!

H: (To Ken) Oooh, hello Mr Clarke, I didn't see you sitting there are at the table! Are you alright?

K: No, call me Ken please!

H: Oh, that's really nice of you Mr Clarke! I don't know if I should, can't I call you Dad?

P: Woah - hang on, steady tiger!

H: No, Paul, it’s leopard!

K: Helen call me whatever, just NOT Mr Clarke - I never want to go through that experience again!

H: What experience?

K: When you screamed out Mr Clarke in the night and I thought you were in real trouble!

H: (Chuckling) I wasn’t though was I!

P: Helen! Er, perhaps she was just sleeptalking Dad!

K: I don't think so son!

J: Ken!!!

K: Last time I saw your backside that exposed son, your mother was putting talcum powder on it!

P: Oh, woooaaah, - did you see, I mean were you in my room?

H: Was you? Was you shocked Mr C.. I mean Ken?

K: No love, not shocked. I mean, I know the ladies like Paul. I can’t blame you! He has the same effect on women as his old dad.

P: Chip off the old block Dad?

K: Chip off the old block Son! Proud of you!

H: You should be proud of him Ken!

K: Just like me then!

H: Is he really? Have you got one of those funny…..

P: Helen!!!!

H: Only joking!

Later that day, Ken and Paul are sitting in the spacious lounge, talking technical. Lee is on the floor, back on his playstation. Helen and Jen are in the kitchen doing some female bonding.

H: Can I help you with the dinner Jen?

J: Thank you dear, that’s very sweet of you.

H: I know! Doan you think I make a model girlfriend for Paul, Jen?

J: Yes dear you’re lovely! You look really good together. Now why don’t you wash those for me…….

H: What’s those? They’re FUNNY!

J: They are Jerusalem artichokes Helen, they are special fancy vegetables!

H: I bet Elizabeth likes those!

J: Who? Oh, you mean that nasty girl in the house? She would do!

H: Din you like Elizabeth then?

J: She was not very nice to Paul.

H: I’m VERY nice to Paul, aren’t I Jen?

J: You certainly are dear. Now these Jerusalem artichokes need preparing..

H: Do they - Whafforr?

J: That’s really funny Helen, you’re so funny!

H: I know, Paul told me! But what do they need preparing for?

J: Oh, just wash and trim them dear!

H: Are they affro-diggiacs? Paul say’s I have to eat affro-diggiacs!

J: I don’t think you need them dear!

H: Don’t you? Well I’ll just have some potatoes then. Now, I’ve done the Geri- salama-t-chocs for you! I’ll soon be a posh bird! Can I do anything else?

J: No, dear, just go and sit down, I’ll manage! (Sighs………..)

Helen walks in to the lounge…

P: So Dad, Obe won kanobe could not have been the father of R2D2 unless..

K: Unless he had a symbiotic transdisplasic thromwarp bypass!

P: Of course! And that would explain the desert habitat and the geophasic visualisation sequence in the interfac..

H: Paul!

P: Hello mate! Are you two girls getting on alright?

H: I been doing fancy vegetables for you Paul!

P: Just for me babe?

H: Only for you Paul

L: Groan!

P; Doan you like being with my mum H?

H: Yes Paul, but all I wanna do is be with you!

P: Fair play! What you wanna do – shall we go for a walk?

H: No! Paul - my hair will get all messed up cos it’s blowin out there!

P: OK, shall we play snakes and ladders?
H: You really know how to show a girl a good time Paul Clarke! Well, actually you DO know how to show a girl a good time Mr Clarke. Oooh, sorry Ken, I mean Mr Clarke Junior!

K: Don’t mind me dear!

H: I just bin thinkin’ Paul, why don’t you show me those airfix models again?

P: OK H, we could do!
(Leave room together)

L: He’s got no idea, has he Dad?

K: Lamb to the slaughter son!

Meanwhile H&P reach the bedroom

H: I just LOVE your Ewok wallpaper Paul! They’re so fluffy! Now where are those models ….Ooh yes, they are hanging from your ceiling, I forgot!

P: They really are B-LINDING aren’t they! Those spitfires mate! They took part in lightning strikes all over occupied Europe!

H: REEEAAALLLY? You’re so interesting Paul! Now what’s the best way to look at those aeroplanes? Let’s see, ooh yes, if we lie down here you can really see them properly!

P: Did you know that Frank Whittle developed the jet engine with only three assistants and a bunsen burner in a hangar in… Helen!!!!
What are you doing?

Later…..

J: Dinner’s served! Now where IS everybody?

K: Just put theirs in the oven mother!

L: Groan!

[susieq]

I remember this. It is still so funny. ROB is a genius with words - all done with love and affection (and a modicum of lust of course).

Keep it up ROB.