[Romantic Old Bird]

Highly Confidential

I am posting an early notification of a planned day trip to see Mr Paul Clarke in his natural habitat as an international car door designer.

After the resounding success of our last virtual outing, I suggest we draw on our experiences in Hadley Wood to iron out as many difficulties as possible before we set off.

On the plus side, we had an excellent team. The collie proved to be indispensable, not so much as a tracker dog, as by keeping Helen occupied whilst we ravished Mr Clarke. How she pampered and preened that lucky pup. Yep, we were ALL smiling on the way home that night!

Although Helen is unlikely to be at Paul's workplace, I think we must accept that he may have devoted colleagues willing to sacrifice their place in the queue for the photocopier just to protect him. Therefore, the collie comes!

Now, last time, the transport was OK, maybe a bit cramped, and if the numbers dictate, we will have to draw lots for places.

I, as trip organiser, am essential to the operation. Certain other key players will need to forward their fivers to me before the 29th to secure their place. Fair play! I know this may seem harsh, but remember that even if we hire a double decker, there are only so many of us that he can cope with. Although god-like in aspect, he is, after all, only human.

One thing we cannot afford to repeat is the shameful hair-pulling, spitting, screaming and fighting. It was not attractive, and really frightened the collie. Accordingly, I will be asking every person on the trip to promise to restrain me if it happens again. I am on medication, but just to be on the safe side.


I need to confirm the date, but Tuesday 9th April is favourite at present. (It seems fairly obvious that Helen's habitual absence from the Lorraine studio on Mondays confirms some synchronised canoodling in Hadley Wood on that day each week, and ROB returns to work the following day).

The following itinerary is only in it’s draft stage at the moment:

We may have to find a new driver, as ROB’s son is still in family therapy following our last excursion. There will be pick up points in the north-west, and in the west and east midlands as before. Those travelling from Scotland need to travel down on the 8th, and those from the Home Counties may wish to make their own way down. We will rendezvous in the car park of the egg packing factory next door by 8.30am. We will then be able to park up the Pop Idol bus inconspicuously. A pair of younger, eagle-eyed virtual trippers will hover outside the Design Company, and appear to be walking the dog.
Any sighting of the Audi Quattro TT in the works car park will be reported to me immediately.
We will keep in touch by SMS only.

IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT ALL OUR MOBILES ARE SET TO VIBRATE ONLY. We cannot afford to alarm our hosts by frenetic audible texting.

Peachy and I will then don our disguises as Svetlana Rolitova and Olga Volga; dignitaries from a government backed trade delegation from Minsk. . Mark, who, as a junior minister from the Department of Trade, will translate and mediate, will accompany us. Our arrival will not be unexpected, as I will already have set up a meeting with their ‘best young designers’ at 10 am. They will have received impressive papers, courtesy of LEE's Desk Top Publisher, purporting to be from Mr Blair himself, encouraging the company to co-operate fully with their friends from the former Soviet Union. Mr Blair’s letter to the managing director, will have enthusiastically extolled the virtue of forging such new alliances.

‘In this way, we can wipe away the final vestiges of distrust between east and west. We can move forward, hand in hand into this new millennium. Here we can sow the seeds of a wholly free marketplace, unfettered by doctrine and dogma, in a free world’

Our visit will be on behalf of an exciting new car manufacturer who is looking for innovative designs. I have intimated that we are looking for a major partnership with the company. Accordingly, the directors should be willing to accede to our slightest whim.

We must progress with great caution. I suggest that we ask to see their design team individually, and as soon as our quarry is sighted, we must tell the directors that we have found our man. We then request that he take us to a local hostelry for a working lunch. Should Paul show any signs of recognising Peachy and I from our previous trip, we will explain that this is because we were both members of the Gold medal-winning shot put team from the Barcelona Olympics. We will then, of course, offer to give him our autographs.

As soon as we leave the building we must entice him on to the bus, (which has of course been re-sprayed to avoid recognition) and drive sedately away. It is important that we return him to the company in good order well before rush hour, so that he can avoid the worst of the traffic on his journey home to Hadley Wood.

The details of how we deal with Mr Clarke in the intervening period are still to be finalised. We have a finite period of time and we must use it wisely. You will perhaps be relieved to learn that my close personal friend, Tommy Lee Jones, has to agreed come along to wipe all memory of the proceedings from Paul’s mind if he feels we go too far.

With luck, our mission should be complete by 16.00hrs. We can then make our way north in good time, and be home in time for a good night’s sleep.

I need not remind you that the success of this covert operation is entirely reliant on your continued discretion and absolute confidentiality.

Trust no-one.

Anyone interested in the trip should leave their names below, with full details of any special attributes or skills they possess.

[Janette]

Count me in, ROB


I'll bring binoculars and plenty of ginger beer!!!!!

Can the gorgeous Will drive the bus? I have his personal mobile number and he would be happy to drive us all, it'll give him a break from all the singing!

[LEE]

I'll be there too, after all someone has got to try to keep you lot in check!!

[Mairi]

I will definitely be there ROB. I will book time off work tomorrow. I have 3 days owing to me and may need the extra days to recover!

Roll on April 9th. Can't wait!!

[blinkinlovely]

I'll drive!!!!!!!!!!!

[susieq]

ROB - I'm in. Jody is wagging her tail and ready to go. The trauma of her last visit has not deterred her and anyway, my sister has got the tranquilisers from the vet in readiness so she'll be fine. This will not, of course, prevent her from springing into action when needed - she is, after all, Jody the wonder dog and is ready for anything.

Certain other key players will need to forward their fivers to me before the 29th to secure their place.

As I paid part towards the strengthening of the chassis of the PI bus from last time's 'exertions' (Hmmm - say no more) - can that count as my fiver?

Just in case Ms Adams happens to be about I'll bring her my grandmother's special recipe for porridge - my grandmother was Scottish and recipe very top secret - it'll keep H occupied for hours and well out of the way. The sacrifices I make for you guys.

Anyway - plans sound good to me ROB. We'll finalise details nearer the time.

BTW - Will as driver - that'll do for me.

[monie]

Count me in ROB Ill bring the sarnies, an if need be, I can use my skills to take notes. I also possess a long mac and dark glasses

[peachy]

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE FOR COMRADE OLGA:


Svetlana awaits your commands. Like the rest of the TIBB babes I am ready and willing to follow your lead. I am confident that disguised in our black pin striped suits, black stockings, red lipstick, dark glasses and thick Russian accents we shall pass almost unnoticed into the design office and there is little or no chance of Paul recognising us from our last trip. If he does however, and tries to make a run for it and locks himself in the stationery cupboard I am well equipped to deal with the situation.I have a special pocket concealed in the inside of my long mackintosh. This holds a very neat but effective axe. I can, quite inconspicuously, break down the door and drag him out. I also have a mild sedative concealed in an attractive platinum friendship ring which I wear on my right hand. While you distract his attention I can slip this into his lunchtime drink. This should ensure his co-operation when the rest of the TIBB babes pile in! You're right, we must draw lots this time and avoid all the unseemly pushing, shoving, biting scatching and hair-pulling which went on. It was a little undignified last time and I'll never forget Paul looking at you and me and saying "double-weird" and "It's a nightmare, innit", over and over, almost as if he couldn't believe what was happening, strange that!

[BigSister]

I want to come

It will be an enthrwiling experence coz i missed the Hadley wood on

[Maggie]

Count me in too the last trip took me 2 days to get over, but it was well worth the effort


And my mobile is on silent mode and at the ready, can't wait

[Kaz]

Oh My God

How double cool and wicked is this!

It's totally, like, amazing!

Put my name down please ROB. I've cancelled my holiday plans for that week, and OH may never speak to me again, but, ho hum, that's a minor inconvenience.

LEE - is your spare room free that night - you know, the one with the yellow duvet cover and orange blankets. Very cosy, and I loved the 'eau de Paul's hair gel' that you sprayed on the pillow for me - it was lush!

Anyone else want to wear the rubber nurses uniforms this time?

[Abbyindahouse]

can i come?
can i come?

[Sticks]

Does this mean that you are not taking up the invitation to go to New York State in the USA to see Bert's old stomping ground and see if you can rescue Ernie from the religious cult that got Ernie to boot Bert out of his home, and then lied to Bert so he ended up despondent in a London YMCA (See "Has anyone Seen Bert" Thread

Anyone can turn up at Basildon and molest an innocent young man, why not accept the challenge, the residents of Bert's street did say they would pay the passage.

You know you could do it if you put your mind to it

[blinkinlovely]

When do we leave?????????? I'm all packed and read to go, go go!

[susieq]

You know you could do it if you put your mind to it

Sticks - you're right, of course you are. Poor Ernie, being dragged off by that religious cult, poor Bert must be distraught. I know that going to Ernie's rescue is the right thing to do so......... call me weak, call me shallow, call me a cab - I'm going to Basildon babe!

Sorry Ernie - you'll have to cope without me.

[Romantic Old Bird]

Comrades,

do not be deterred by the man you know as 'Sticks'. I believe him to be none other than the notorious and treacherous Igor Ruinov!

He knows too much, and must be eliminated. Bert and Ernie are not the first to attempt to escape his clutches. In fact, as Eric Burden told me only the other day - he's been the Ruinov many a poor toy!

Now, back to our trip. I can confirm that I have held top secret talks with Comrade Rolitova and we are currently undertaking thorough investigations in readiness for the momentous day.

Not all the news is good. I am concerned.

Who is this Basildon Bond I am hearing of?

Does he pose an unacceptable risk to the operation? I have tried to find out more, but I am told he may already have been 'written' off. His fate is 'sealed' if he comes up against us, that is for certain. Perhaps we can have him 'posted' elsewhere. He may have a license to kill, but we have a license to thrill!

(Sorry! Visions of Russ Abbott, UUUGGH)

The offers of help received have shown great imagination and commitment to our cause. This is most encouraging, and you are to be congratulated. With such a team, I am confident of our success.

Complacency would however be foolish. Remember, we must remain vigilant at all times.

April 9th will be remembered for generations to come. You will tell your grandchildren proudly that you were there.

Until that day!

Olga, oops, sorry, ROB

Mr Clarke, the day is approaching.............

[Sticks]

Originally posted by Romantic old bird
Comrades,

do not be deterred by the man you know as 'Sticks'. I believe him to be none other than the notorious and treacherous Igor Ruinov!

He knows too much, and must be eliminated. Bert and Ernie are not the first to attempt to escape his clutches. In fact, as Eric Burden told me only the other day - he's been the Ruinov many a poor toy!

Igor Ruinov died peacefully in his sleep in a hospital in Moscow last year, during BB2 which is why you may have missed this announcement.

If you visit my websites you can see that I am who I say I am. Even my Avatar is a picture of me, and I do not hide behind pictures of BB2 contestants.

Bert and Ernie are not in my clutches. Bert is in your clutches. Ernie seems to have been brainwashed by some religious cult we are trying to identify, and is in their clutches. (Religious cults is one of my specialist subjects)

Grover has arrived at Gatwick and is making his way to see you. He is now hoping if he helps you out with your mission to Basildon, you might fly back with him and rescue Ernie.

Over in the States there has been another distrubing development. One of the other residents, a guy whose first name appears to be Cookie has been reported in the new commune in the house where Bert used to live with Ernie

[Romantic Old Bird]

Meanwhile, back in Basildon, Mr Clarke tidies his desk for the weekend. His rubber band ball has been positioned at a perfect right angle to his blotter, and his post-its are strategically placed over the heat ring left by a carelessly placed coffee mug.

He sighs as he picks up a photo of himself and his mates on a boozy weekend in Dublin.

'That was blinding!' he thinks to himself wistfully, before reluctantly putting it at the back of his drawer. 'Only this time last year. Never mind Clarkey, those days are well and truly over!'

He dips inside his briefcase and fishes out the framed photo that Helen had given him only that morning. 'Bless her!' he thought, as he placed it carefully on the desk. 'I nearly forgot about this, and she was so excited when she gave it to me this morning. She must have been watching Blue Peter again!' He blew the pieces of glitter off the desk and sat back to admire her handiwork. 'Actually, she does show quite a bit of flair'.

'Very nice Paul, I particularly like the flowers. nice and sparkly!' said his work mate Elaine, as she walked up and leaned over him short-sightedly to look at the photo, dripping coffee on his shoes as she went.

'Cheers Elaine, thanks a lot!' he said. 'Yeah, sparkly. And Pink. Very pink. She does look sweet though, don't she?' asked Paul, smiling at the photo. Helen beamed back at him, eyes wide and head slightly on one side.

'What's so interesting over here? How's it going Paul?' As the head of design approaches, Elaine scuffles quickly off and Paul smoothly uses his touch sensitive screen to revert to the design he completed earlier.

'I think you'll like this Mike, I think you'll like it!' replied Paul.

'Mmmm, promising, very promising. Keep up the good work!' said Mike, heading for his own office, before turning to add 'Oh, and Paul?'

'Yes mate?'

'Nice picture!'

'Thanks Mike!'

'Welcome to the world of commitment!'

'I'm ready for it Mike. She's worth it!'

'Never thought I'd see the day!' said Mike, laughing to himself as he walked back to his office.
'They all fall, sooner or later'.

Paul clicked back on the TIBB bar at the bottom of his screen.

It had become compulsive reading for him first thing each morning, and again every evening before he left for home. Although sometimes he wished he had not found the site in the first place.

He had to admit that every time he read it, he was flattered. 'It's a bit mad' he thought, 'But, after all, they seem harmless!

Despite himself, he found a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead as he read the details of the virtual trip. They couldn't REALLY be planning this could they?

Just to be on the safe side, Paul decided to act positively, and went to Mike's office and to ask for a day's holiday on April 9th.

'Sorry Paul, I'd love to, but we've got this rush job on, deadline April 12th. In fact I was thinking of asking you in for the 8th'.

'Fair play, don't worry about it' said Paul, feeling rather silly for asking. 'I'll be here, no worries'.

'I knew I could rely on you Paul, good man! You've got that luxury pad to play for after all, haven't you!'

'Very funny mate, very funny!', replied Paul. 'What's the rush job anyway?'

'It's a new contract, very exciting development. I'm only just getting preliminary details in now, but the recommendation comes from the very top. It could be the start of something very big indeed!'

'Cool. That sounds cool! I'll be there for you' said Paul, returning to his desk.

'Good bloke, that Paul Clarke,' thought Mike, as he dialled the number in front of him. 'Glad I went with my instincts and took him back on'.

'Oh Hello! Is that the DTI? Oh good! I've been asked to contact someone called Mark? You are Mark? Excellent! Now about this trade delegation.......'

Meanwhile, returning to his desk, Paul forces himself to leave the TIBB site without looking again. He hums cheerfully as he completes another elaborate paper clip sculpture before closing down the computer for the weekend.

What on earth was he worrting about?
He really must stop reading those sites!

[Feefs]

What can I say, except Baggsie a space for me please.

I will bring my flask, binoculars, my camera with the telephoto lens and a copy of my new book on how to make your photos even better. I propose to write to the author to suggest "only attempt photos of lush International Popstars" as a strategy.

I suggest I could fulfill a pivotal role as "specialist technical translator" or something, because did a class in technical drawing at uni and I know the difference between strength, hardness, stiffness and toughness. Well, I think I can remember where I left a book that I can revise it in and I've still got my set-squares. I'll be sure to check up on fatigue resistance while I'm at it in case Mr Clarke needs a little counselling.

He really must stop reading those sites!

I know how he feels!

Meanwhile, returning to his desk, Paul forces himself to leave the TIBB site without looking again. He hums cheerfully as he completes another elaborate paper clip sculpture before closing down the computer for the weekend.

Normally so accurate ROB, but I suspect today he'll be having one last look at the new Star Wars trailor that is now available online!

[Sticks]

Sorry can't make this one. I am being recruited as an experts on New Religious movement to try and identify the cult that seems to have sucked in Ernie and now the blue chap, whose second name escapes me, but his first name is cookie.

Grover has been to the YMCA and has got the rest of Bert's gear. He is going to send you a hotmail to arrange a meeting with you and Bert. Grover is ready to help you in your Basildon endevour. He is still hoping you and Bert will come back to New York with him to rescue Ernie and Cookie

[Romantic Old Bird]

Comrade Sticks, I am sorry you will not be part of our team.

You must understand that we cannot be too careful. Your overwhelming similarity to Ruinov was damning and may have coloured our judgement.

Your quest is noble. The extensive experience of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder therapy and cult busting you have acquired will equip you admirably for your task. Your skills are far better utilised in this way.

Whilst we seek only carnal pleasure and the shameless subjugation of our quarry.
it would appear that you will be engaged in an act of selfless dedication.

We are not worthy.
Go in peace, Comrade.

Those of us who are still committed to our journey, please submit your cover identitiies to me as soon as possible. From now on, I will only be referred to as Olga,
Peachy is of course, Svetlana
Janette is Tatiana
I see Lee as Ursula and Feefs as Ludmilla.
How about Susie q as Valentina, and Jodie must be Petra, in homage to the first Blue Peter dog.
Discolady should be something a little risque',.... I'm thinking Red Sonja
Miriam is Natalia
Kaz could be Annastasia
Blinkinlovely is Tonya
Abbyindahouse is Marina
BigSister is Katerina

If anyone has been overlooked, please inform me quickly, as papers must be prepared for all of us. Await further instructions, and do not loose sight of our goal.

The awesome and blissfully unaware Mr Clarke.

Supress any feelings of guilt you may have.

I understand that his new bathroom mirror has been designated as an area of outstanding natural beauty.

One so blessed with physical perfection and prowess cannot be allowed to hide from our clutches. He has a duty to share himself with us.

Sleep soundly Mr Clarke. The time is fast approaching

[Sticks]

Originally posted by Romantic old bird
If anyone has been overlooked, please inform me quickly, as papers must be prepared for all of us.

I believe Grover is joining you excursion, and I assume Bert is still on your team.

[Maggie]

AH....... I Zee you know me well Olga, Red Sonja calling, waiting zee instructions !!!

[Kaz]

Greetings, comrade Olga. This is comrade Annastasia reporting to update you on recent developments.

I am delighted to confirm that our plan to infiltrate the car door design team office has been successful. I commence my duties as temporary Personal Assistant to Mike Simpkins and his team - Paul, Elaine, Harry, Pete and Geoff - on Tuesday 9th April. You would have been proud of my disguise at the interview - tastefully highlighted blonde hair drawn up into a neat bun, rimless designer glasses, smart grey suit with skirt just above the knee, crisp white shirt (just the right amount of buttons undone) and elegant black patent court shoes. They were bowled over and couldn't wait to offer me the position. Nice chap, Mike - wonder how he'll react when I mysteriously disappear after the glorious 9th?

As it will be my first day at work, naturally I will have to shadow one of the employees to find out how the department runs (any guesses who I'll choose?) and therefore will be perfectly placed to observe Mr Clarke's every move until you, Mark and Svetlana arrive.

After you arrive, I will whip off my glasses, unpin my hair and let it tumble down around my shoulders, then assist you to whisk Paul off to the waiting Pop Idol bus.

Farewell for now, comrade Olga - our destiny is in your hands.

[blinkinlovely]

Comrade Tonya is ready to assist in anyway she can during this comendable mission. She hopes that, should mr Clarke be injured during the adventure, that she (Tonya) would be able to give full first aid (and mouth to mouth resuitation).
Arrivederci