[Romantic Old Bird]

Comrades, the hour approaches, and the time has come to break our silence. It will be tomorrow, Thursday!

Even now, global subversive forces are working to thwart us, and the MSN messenger service has been sabotaged on numerous occasions in the past few days.

Then they took out the server. However, we are back!

You will be relieved to know that top secret meetings have taken place between myself, Agent Svetlana Rolitova (peachy) and the legendary Red Sonja (discolady)

A final top secret summit meeting between myself and Agent Rolitova has been held this week.

We cannot fail.

Let me appraise you of our current status:.

TIBB name BVDT name Specialist area
ROB Olga Minister of Love
Peachy Svetlana Ph D in Ecstacy
Discolady Red Sonja Boa/Lust Dust
Janette Tatiana Ginger beer
Lee Ursula Security
Feefs Ludmilla. Flask

Susieq Valentina Dog Handler
Jodie Petra Wonder Dog
Miriam Natalia To be allocated
Kaz Annastasia Double agent
Blinkinl. Tonya Driver
Abby. Marina To be allocated
BigSister Katerina To be allocated

Chilledb. Nadia To be allocated

SLSara Saskia To be allocated
Monie Mishka Disguise/catering



I think it is now time to address you all, with apologies to WS.

I need hardly remind you colleagues, that you are honoured to be with us in our quest.

We are few in number but do not despair.

Remember, the fewer we are, the greater the share of Paul Clarke.

I would not have one more.

Those who have no stomach for this, let them depart, your visa will be made, and your bus fare home will be given. We do not want your company.

This day will be called the feast of Basildon.

We who outlive the day, and come safe home, will in future stand up on tip-toe when the day is named, and rouse ourselves at the very name of Basildon.

We who survive to see old age will yearly invite round our friends to celebrate, and say ‘Tomorrow is Basildon day’.

Then we will strip off our tops to show the marks and say, ‘These wounds I had at Basildon’.

Old women forget, and all shall one day be forgotten, but we will remember what feats we did that day!

Then shall our names be as familiar as household words,

Olga Volga, Svetlana Rolitova and Red Sonja; Ursula and Natalia, Anastasia, Valentina and Petra the Dog.

We will all be remembered for centuries to come whenever people meet, drink and talk of great deeds.

Our story will be passed down by parent to child, and ‘Basildon day’ will never go by, from this day until the end of the world, without being remembered.

We few, we happy few , we band of sisters.

For she who tomorrow stands with me shall always be my sister, no matter how gross they become.

The memory of this day will make them once again young, and vibrant, and full of life.

People who tomorrow spend the day a-bed shall think themselves accursed they were not there,

And hold their worth to be cheap when any one speaks, 'Who was there with me on Basildon day?'


So, let me remind you all. We will pick up at our pre-designated rendezvous points and amass in the egg packing factory car park (Marked A on your exterior map) at .the appointed time. Two agents (already notified) will be deployed, along with Agent Petra, to unobtrusively perambulate the grassy knoll (marked B) immediately behind RLE HQ (marked C).

Please remember to take binoculars for early sightings of the Audi TT, and a pooper-scooper and bag for Agent Petra’s undercover activities.

As soon as our quarry is sighted, contact will be made by texting the message SGA (sex god alert) to my mobile, which will be, of course, on silent mode.

Agent Rolitova, DTI representative Agent Mark and myself will enter the premises, and communication blackout will be established with immediate effect.

We estimate that is will take us 40 minutes to engage in their capitalist foreplay and to isolate our target. Agent Mark will then stand by whilst firstly I, and then Agent Svetlana, develop a closer working relationship with Paul Clarke in the Stationery cupboard marked D on your office plan.

Agent Annastasia has used her time well and has soundproofed the door with ten layers of bubble wrap and a staple gun. Sad to say, it has since been necessary to remove her from her undercover role and send her back to Minsk.

We were given information that led us to believe her cover was about to be blown by the excessive involuntary drooling she experienced whenever she came within 10 feet of Mr Clarke.

Let me assure you she will be given the very best of care during her time in the Gulag of Good Hope, and her name will be added to the roll of honour.

At approximately 12.00hrs Svetlana and I will unobtrusively walk Mr Clarke to the main entrance on the premise of continuing our meeting in the Dog and Duck in nearby Ramsden Bellhouse. It may be necessary for Svet and I to support him at this stage, due to the intensity of our morning negotiations. Agent Mark will walk close behind to ensure that any grasping of door frames and attempts to brace himself by Mr Clarke do not impede our expeditious exit from RLE. Any tell-tale nail marks scratched along the corridor walls will be removed by Mark with Jif and a J cloth.

Once Mr Clarke has been escorted safely to the bus, we will drive to our secret depot on Canvey Island.

During our journey he will have been revived by ginger beer and sandwiches and will meet the afternoons negotiations with renewed vigour.

At approximately 15.00hrs he will be refreshed by a bracing bed bath by myself, Agent Olga, and Tommy Lee will zap all memory of the day from his mind as we drive back to RLE. As we escort him back to the main entrance, he will remember only a fruitful day of international enterprise. He will make his way home, from there to Barnet and on to Hadley Wood........... where never from Basildon arrived a happier man.

Sorted!