[Romantic Old Bird]

Hello everyone!

Florence Goodboddy here, reporting back after my exclusive interview with Mr. Paul Clarke at ‘Trim n’ Pert’ Gymnasium, (proprietors Jim and Curt), in Barnet on Saturday.

First of all, panic stations at 7am this morning when I was telephoned by none other than Mr Paul Clarke himself. What a lovely soothing voice he has! After watching all those tapes I couldn’t wait to meet him, and although it was a thrill to hear his unmistakeable tones, I admit I was worried that he might have rung to cancel.

I need not have feared! I had to put my teeth in quickly, because the poor chap couldn’t seem to understand what I was talking about. It transpired that he had completely overlooked the fact that the FA Cup was on when his Nan asked him to see me, and he asked if I would very kindly come down a bit earlier.

I agreed immediately, ripped out my rollers, put on my carefully chosen outfit and then topped it off with my motor cycle leathers, and set off, pretty sharpish to pick up Bunty.

She was all of a fluster, covered in clouds of Freesia talc, and had large globules of butter from her hastily consumed toast splattered on her new chiffon blouse. There was no time at all for her to change, so she had to put on a big comfy cardie and her camel jacket, after refusing to pull on the spare leathers I had bought for her. Silly old thing, I knew she’d be holding on to her pleated skirt for grim death all the way there. How she whinged!

I would like to say I was ably assisted in this endeavour by my friend Bunty Galore, but to be honest the old girl was no good whatsoever. She took a turn shortly after we entered the building, and was more or less out of action until we left. She’d been a bit queasy on the M1 on the way down, and I did begin to question my decision to put her on the pillion of my old Norton. Maybe we should have put the sidecar on, but it slows one down so! We made a cracking pace anyway and got there in ample time for a cream bun and a nice pot of tea before going to the gymnasium.

What a surprise the building was. It bore no resemblance to the Gymnasium at my Alma Mater, (St Winifred’s School for Gels of Quality), at all. No wooden vaulting horse, and not a sign of the wall bars or a climbing rope. Certainly no place for a rousing game of Pirates!

For starters, we were greeted warmly by Curt! He was, I must say, a very personable young chap. Not a great conversationalist, but he did his job efficiently enough, and certainly looked very nice in his Lycra ensemble. In fact Bunt and I found ourselves suddenly surrounded by men, in all states of undress. It was a little overwhelming I must admit, and poor old Bunt had an attack of the vapours almost immediately, requiring her to be revived with smelling salts. She quite worried me for a moment, but once we’d loosened her corsets the colour came back to her cheeks quite quickly.

We were then directed to the visitor’s observation area, where we were confronted by a room full of men, straining themselves severely, on what appeared to be instruments of torture. Their bodies were slick with perspiration, and it all looked jolly hard work to me!

‘Don’t look Bunty!’ I cried, but too late! The old girl was a goner, colour drained right out of her, she went as limp as a lettuce and slid down the wall like Tom and Jerry. It was at this stage that I met Mr. Clarke, who charmingly helped me to tend to the now insensible Bunty.

‘You must be Nan’s friends!’ he said. ‘I’m Paul. Please let me help you to get her out of here. I don’t think she would want to be seen like this!’

‘My dear boy!’ I replied. ‘You are too kind. Thank you so much for your help.’

What a lovely young man! He tried very hard to pick her up on his own, but despite his imposing physique, the challenge proved too great. It was only when we secured the additional assistance of Curt, and another nice young man whose name escapes me, that we managed to shift her. Needless to say we had to manhandle her out of sight and put her in a darkened room. Thankfully, she has no recollection of events, but let me tell you, those bottle green flannel knickers caused quite a stir!

I must confess, Bunty wasn’t up to the task at all, damned bad show really. Anyway, dear reader, I felt I had to battle on alone, so I asked Paul if we could start the proceedings.

He apologised profusely for bringing us down so early, and invited me to trundle along beside him as he made his way around the Gym. I was happy to oblige, and changed into a nice fluffy white towelling robe so as not to look out of place.

And so we began………………………………….

P: So, Miss ??

F: Goodboddy

P: Thankyou, I know, but what’s your name?

F: My name is Miss Florence Goodboddy

P: Oh, I get you now, sorry, Miss…..

F: Do call me Floss, everyone does dear, and I must admit, you do have a good body!

P: Very nice of you to say so, very nice! Are you alright? You seem to have gone a bit red.

F: I’m alright, don’t worry. You won’t find me coming over all-unnecessary at the sight of a few naked torsos! I’m made of sterner stuff than old Bunty in there.

P: You are. When Nan asked me to talk to you, I must admit I thought you would be older. Your friend does seem a bit more……….

F: Ancient?

P: Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that……..

F: Hmm. Well not all of us at the Women’s Institute are old you know

P: I can see that!

(Authors note: I thought to myself about now: ‘This young chap is quite a smooth operator. I can see I will have my work cut out here’)

P: Now what would you like to ask me?

(It was at this stage I think that I noticed how very lovely his hazel eyes were)

P: Miss,,,Floss? Are you alright? You seem to be staring at me! Is my hair looking alright?

F: Sorry dear, I was miles away there for a moment. Questions? Oh yes! Hang on, I have them here, in my pocket.

P: Can we just move along to the ab’s crusher here Floss?

F: Ooh, of course, you just get on with your exercises dear. Ready?

P: Yeah, go for it girl!

F: A-hum, right, here we go! The first question I have here is:
‘Do you think your life has changed as a result of going into the Big Brother house?’

P: Ermmm-Yeah!

F: How so?

P: Well, I have had a mad year. I mean, totally mad! I went in there as a normal single guy, no worries, fantastic lifestyle, loads of mates, always doing loads of stuff.

F: And now, what has changed?

P: I’m not single, am I?

F: Right! So do you have worries now?

P: Not worries exactly, but I got responsibilities.

F: The young lady?

P: H? Yeah, there’s Helen now. I have to think about Helen.

F: That’s very nice. She is a lucky young lady. I’m sure she is lovely

P: Yeah, she’s gorgeous

F: How sweet. Do you still have a fantastic lifestyle?

P: I do have a fantastic lifestyle. It’s amazing.

F: Tell me what an average day is for you. What did you do yesterday for instance?

P: OK, Yeah, cool. Well, first I got up.

F: Late?

P: Well, no, not exactly. 6am.

F: Goodness! You are an early bird!

P: Well you gotta get up that early ‘cos of the traffic. It’s really mad!

F: I must admit Bunty and I found it a bit overwhelming on our way here today.

P: Saturday? Mate, that’s nothing! Saturday’s is quiet by comparison!

F: Oh dear! So what time to you leave home, and what time do you get to work in……

P: Basildon? Well, I leave at about 7 and I get there at about 8.30

F: That’s an awfully long time dear. I suppose it’s quicker coming back?

P: On a FRIDAY? You are joking!!! There was this one time it took me three hours………………………………

F: Yes! You should get yourself a motor bicycle like me dear. You can whip through the traffic.

P: You know, I’d love one. But my mum and Helen won’t let me.

F: They worry?

P: Do they! I have to ring up my mum and Helen when I get to work in the morning to say I’m alright.

F: Oh dear!

P: It’s not fair. They never let me do nothing…..

F: Like what for instance? Take a few chances?

P: Yeah! Oh, never mind. They care about me I suppose.

F: I can quite understand that.

P: What have you got?

F: It’s a 1954 Norton

P: You are joking!

F: No, I assure you dear, that’s what it is

P: They are BRILLIANT!

F: Get’s me from A to B quite nicely, I must say.

P: Can I see it?

F: Perhaps when we’ve done our interview dear.

P: What, oh yeah, sorry. Go on. Hang on, can I move machines again?

F: Of course dear. What’s this one?

P: It’s the Nordic Cross Country ski machine!

F: Well I never! It does look fun!

P: Why don’t you clip your dictaphone to your pocket and have a go on the one next to me while we talk?

F: Oooh, I’d love to! Gosh, this is fun! Now, let me think where were we? Oh, yes, at work. Do you love your work?

P: Yeah, well I love the design and the travel parts of my job.

F: So you travel a lot as well?

P: Actually, no, not any more. I got…..

F: Responsibilities?

P: Yeah. But my job is still cool.

F: But you just do it in Basildon now.

P: Yeah. Anyway, yesterday I got home again at about 4.30, cos I left a bit early

F: That’s not too bad then!

P: No, so we had a nice night together.

F: Did you go out?

P: Not until after Alistair McGowan had been on, then we nipped out for a quick drink.
F: Ahh, Alistair Mc Gowan! One of our members asked how you felt about seeing his interpretation of you both!

P: Well, I thought it was hilarious! A bit out of order, but bloody funny just the same. He didn’t do us last night though.

F: I can’t say I’ve seen it myself dear, Bowls night on Friday!

P: Cool! Well, My Mum and Dad think he’s really cruel about me and H. Says we’re thick. They wote and sent him a photocopy of my degree certificate. How embarrassing. I said, ‘Mum, leave it. I don’t bloody care mate’ Sorry for swearing Floss!

F: You swear away dear! I’m unshockable! You should hear Bunty on Bridge night!

P: You two girls do get about don’t you?

F: We do! Now, never mind us, this is about you!!

P: Yeah, sorry girl. You’re doing really well on that machine though!

F: It is quite invigorating I must admit!

P: You’ll have to join, come with me every Saturday!

F: Now you’re teasing me, young man, stop it!

P: Am I? (he does have a very nice smile dear readers, I must admit!)
You better ask me another question then!

F: What? Oh, yes! Let me see. Oh dear, the papers going all limp. It’s so hot in here!

P: Maybe you should slow down a bit Floss, have a breather.

F: No, I’m fine. One of our members wants to know if, on the week you and Helen were up against each other, you decided to let her win.

P: No, that’s not how it happened at all. I wanted to be with her, she wanted to be me, and things were getting a bit out of hand. I tried to cool it down, because it wasn’t real in there. They thought I was dumping her because of the way that Elizabeth told the others.

F: You feel you were misrepresented?

P: I think so, massively, yeah. We all were a bit, but with me it was massive. I’d never be disrespectful to a girl.

F: Very commendable

P: It would not be right.

F: You seemed to decide quite early on to give up on the idea of TV work and going back to designing didn’t you?

P: I think I made the right decision. I know I am good at my job, but on TV I don’t seem to relax, don’t come over as well. Helen does, and I hope she will find something else when her Lorraine slot finishes.

F: That was a shame, I didn’t know until today that the show was ending.

P: Yeah, it’s a shame, right? But she’ll be fine. I’ll look after her.

F: What a lucky girl!

P: I don’t know about that. We are very much alike though, get on really well. I’d never let anything bad happen to her.

F: How sweet!

P: It’s only right, only fair. I’ve made that commitment in my life.

F: Not engaged though? Is that something we can expect?

P: Maybe, maybe. That’s for the future though, and we’ll decide when we’re ready.

F: Very wise. You don’t have to rush into things these days.

P: I’m surprised you’ve never married Floss!

F: Now then Paul, I’m beginning to think you’re incorrigible!

P: If I am, then I think you are as well Floss. Is that a little bit of black and red lace I can see there under your robe?

F: Goodness me! Really, I can see I’ll have to watch you!

P: That’ll make two of us Floss, that’ll make two!

F: I think I’ll just sit here whilst we continue if you don’t mind.

P: Fine, take a break girl. Next question?

F: Hang on a mo, I’m a bit out of puff. That’s better. Now, what was it like, going back to work after being in all that limelight? It must have been awkward at first.

P: Funnily enough, it wasn’t hard at all. It’s a big organisation, but the people I work with have been with me all through the whole BB experience.

F: Are they the ones who came to all your possible eviction nights?

P: Yeah, lots of them are really good mates. I’m not Paul from Big Brother to them, I’m just Clarkey.

F: That’s nice. So you weren’t embarrassed then?

P: Nah, they’ve always taken the piss anyway. I don’t mind and they was fantastic for me when I needed them. Absolutely amazing.

F: A friend in need…………..

P: Is a friend indeed! Yeah, absolutely.

F: So you value your privacy a lot?

P: A whole lot, yeah!

F: Several people have asked me to ask you why you did the Hello photo-shoot, only quite recently, if you like to be private?

P: Yeah, I thought that was what you were going to say.

F: And your answer is?

P: We done it for the money!

F: Well, I suppose that we all thought that, but I must admit your honesty is refreshing!

P: Not only the money, but mostly. Helen loves Hello! though, and she gets a real kick out of seeing herself in it.

F: Lovely photos I thought, particularly the one of you near the fountain!

P: Blinding, and we had a nice weekend in a nice hotel

F: In a beautiful city! Paris!

P: Happy memories Floss?

F: That would be telling, you naughty young man!

P: I thought so, you’re a wanton hussy under all that respectable exterior aren’t you?

F: Just wait until I speak to your Nan, Paul Clarke! Harassing a lady in her dressing gown! She’ll be so shocked!

P: Won’t be the fist time though….

F: Mmm, now stop it immediately. Where were we? Oh yes, privacy.

P: Yes, that’s really important to us as a couple. But at least the Hello! shoot was on neutral ground, and we got to have our say. Mostly they (the paparazzi) take pictures when you’re just out and about, just trying to chill. It’s like, really, really bad. Like at the supermarket the other week. They even took pictures of me putting my shopping in me car boot. I mean!

F: That is intrusive! Oh dear! I wouldn’t have liked that.

P: You wouldn’t Floss, you wouldn’t. I mean, it was funny in a way. But when you look at the magazine and see yourself holding a pack of Kleenex Velvet, right, it’s hard not to get upset, it’s private!

F: Toilet paper! Hard to wipe that sort of thing from your memory I’m sure!

P: Are you taking the piss again Floss?

F: Sorry Paul

P: You look it! Do you think we ought to check up on your friend again?

F: She’s not really a friend

P: She is, you talked about nothing else when you first came in. Bunty this and Bunty that. Help me with poor Bunty!

F: I know, but she’s such a silly woman. She was supposed to be helping me with this.

P: Poor old girl. Look she’s fast asleep! Shame to disturb her really. What time is it?

F: Erm, I can’t tell, my watch is all steamed up. Oh dear.

P: It’s only 12.30, and I’ve finished now. I just need a shower. Have you got a lot more questions?

F: I do have a few..

P: Well, I won’t be long, meet you back here in 15 minutes, OK?

F: Of course. I’ll have a shower as well.

P: Steady on Floss, you can’t come with me. There’s a girls changing room over there!

F: Sorry, I just assumed it was this way!

P: I bet you did. I bet you did. My Nan will not believe it when I tell her about you!

15 minutes later we met up in the foyer, and I asked if Paul wanted to see my Norton, whilst Bunty was still sleeping.

P: Beginning to think that old girl was on the gin last night Floss, don’t know about you!

F: Well, she did have a late night, and we got up very early to come to see you today. She was so excited, I wouldn’t be surprised if she hardly slept a wink last night.

P: That’s fair enough. Curt will watch that’s she’s OK, won’t you Curt?

Outside in the car park, Paul found himself taken aback by the magnificence of the old Norton.

P: That is one Brilliant Motor Bike! Is it really yours? I can’t believe you and old Bunt came down here today from Reading on that, it’s absolutely amazing!

(little do you know HOW far, Mr Clarke)

F: Thanks dear. I do pride myself in keeping my workings in tip top order, and I gave the old girl a good polish and a buff before we left!

P: Floss, will you stop it? I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you about this magnificent machine, and you start telling me about your ablutions. Control yourself Woman!

F: I did not mean that!

P: You did, you know you did. You are even more vain than I am. AND, I have to admit, boy has it paid off! Can I have a ride?

F: I beg your pardon!

P: A ride on the Norton, Floss!

F: What! OH, of course. Of course you can. But my insurance will only cover you for pillion.

P: Fair play! This is blinding! Shall I put my arms round your waist like this?

F: Tighter dear, tighter!

I have to admit dear reader, that my trip round the block ended up at a little pub north of Stevenage. Paul and I had a very pleasant repast there, and he enjoyed my company so much he invited me to stay to watch the match with him! Never before have I honestly professed to enjoying a football match, but on this occasion, it was enthralling. The boy has such enthusiasm and such joy de vive, it is simply exhilarating. Although he didn’t really support either team he got jolly excited when the ‘gooners’ scored and I got a very rousing hug for each goal, and a hearty smacker right on the old lips! How glad was I that I didn’t suffer from old Bunty’s facial hair problem. I like to think that the entire experience was not unpleasant for him.

Bunty! Poor old thing! We suddenly remembered her at 5 o clock, and rang the Gym. Paul asked Curt to give the keys of the Audi to her, and to ask her to drive his car home to Hadley Wood. She just rang from outside the house, stranded. Paul forgot that Helen was in Cwmbran tonight and couldn’t let her in. Ooops!

The thing is, Paul and I had only just decided that we’d both had too much to drink to risk taking the old Norton out on the road again tonight, and we’ve booked the only room available in the pub. Twin beds, and as he said, if he can share a room with Brian and Josh, then he can surely sleep safely with me in the next bed.

In a flash of inspiration, I told old Bunty to give Mabel Albright a ring. Used to be in the Operatic Society until she moved back to London. Made a magnificent Brunhilda, did Mabel. Lives in a bedsit in Cockfosters now, and happy to oblige.

So, we’re all sorted. The lad is looking a bit tuckered out, and I think he’ll need an early night. He's just spoken to Helen on the phone, and he's settled down for forty winks on the bed opposite. Poor boy, all that exercising, and the fresh air on the Norton. Finished him off!

I, on the other hand, am feeling rather chipper! The hormone patches my doctor gave me seem to have really lifted my spirits of late. I knew today would be strenuous, so I’ve put a couple on each side. I’ve just checked myself in the mirror, and there is a definite glow to my cheeks and a sparkle in my eye. Yes, the world is looking pretty good to me tonight!

Mr Clarke looks magnificent lying there,
like a young Adonis. Such a lovely young man. I can't remember when I last took to
someone quite so much. Oh, hang on, yes I can! Goodness me, I hadn't thought about THAT for years!

Despite my largely agnostic beliefs, I have to admit that when faced with such a perfect specimen as Mr Paul Clarke, lying carelessly sprawled on the bed, clad only in a pair of light blue boxer shorts, you do feel a Divine hand must have played a part in his creation.

I could sit here for hours

Hope you like the interview, I certainly enjoyed myself. Hope old Bunty's alright at Mabel's.

I suppose I ought to feel more guilty............................................

But somehow, I don't!

Floss Goodboddy, over and out!

[Kaz]

Absolutely blinding, Floss!

A masterpiece in sensitive yet revealing journalistic reporting - Dominic Mohan - I hope you're taking notes!

........... but it surely can't end there ............ there must be more ..............

Does Paul sleeptalk and let slip a few more secrets?

Does Floss sleepwalk in the middle of the night?

Will Bunty ever get to meet Mr Clarke?

We have to know!

[Janette]

OMG Poor Bunty

Missing the interview of a lifetime!

Brilliant interview, Floss

Wish I could have seen Mr Clarke doing his workouts, what a sight for sore eyes

[LEE]

Brilliant as ever ROB.

Please never stop writing, you have a real talent that we all very much appreciate.

I wish my 'real-life' interviews were half as well written and entertaining as your 'virtual' one.

[Mairi]

Wonderful interview, Flossy, and I'm surprised you actually managed to remember to ask any questions at all considering where you were!!

Glad to hear Paul's still looking after Helen.

[Maggie]

The best, as ever wish I 'd been there with you but felt like I was from your brillant reoprt
Keep up the good work old girl

Love Paul and Helen to bits

[BigSister]

I really enjoyed this

You will have to do a sequel

You have a gifted Talent ROB

[borisse]

Oh Floss how could you. Bunty swept aside Maisie not even mentioned totally, totally blown away!

Next time - maybe..???

there will be a next time - won't there ?
Got to have something to live for @bye

[borisse]

And of course - well done ROB.:hell o:

[Di2001]

First class, as always ROB!!

[blinkinlovely]

Thanks ROB

It wasas brilliant as always! Hope that you keep us entertainedduring BB3 though I cn't imagine,as this stage, that anyone will capture my imagination as much as H&P

[peachy]

Good evening everyone, I’m so sorry it’s taken a while for me to file this report but it’s been an exhilarating two days and I’ve only just managed to give that Floss Goodbody the slip. I couldn’t wait to tell you what really happened on Saturday, but this is between us ok, Floss mustn’t know. Well reader, I was knobbled. After all my careful preparations she arrived at the crack of dawn and whisked me off on that b****y motor-bike of hers, like a bat out of hell. My perm was ruined, my twin-set forgotten in the rush and I was stuck looking at Floss’s backside all the way to London. Not a good start. She made me go to a tea-shop the minute we arrived and while I went to the loo she ordered tea and cream buns. Do you know that was the strangest tasting tea I’ve ever drunk. Oddly enough Floss insisted I had two cups and she never drank any. Funny that.

I’d no sooner got in the gymnasium and I came over all peculiar. I felt just like I did at my nephew, David’s gay wedding when he insisted I smoke one of his extra special cigarettes. Although I was only partially with it, I saw enough to tell you that Floss definitely behaved in a way quite unbecoming to a woman of her age and stature on Saturday. She was gushing round young Paul as if she’d never seen a man before. Giggling and fluttering her eyelids. I didn’t know where to look. So, I decided, best pretend I was unconscious. Oh, it was lovely when Curt, Paul and Curt’s friend carried me between them. I felt like the Queen of Tonga being carried on her throne. I really enjoyed myself. I must admit they did go red in the face and break out in a sweat but I quite enjoyed that, I must say. Curt, is a lovely young man. When Floss and Paul left us, he explained all about his regime, as he called it. I must say it’s paid dividends, such muscles, such definition, such tight Lycra shorts!

When Curt took me back to Hadley Wood we thought at first that we couldn’t get in and we told Floss that, but then Curt remembered that Helen hadn’t quite got out of Cwmbran ways and still popped her key under the mat when she went out. Well, Curt looked and there it was. Curt was all for leaving me then, but I told him, I might have another funny turn at any moment and he’d better come in with me. Do you know everyone it was funny but every time he said he was going I came over faint. Strange wasn’t it? Oh he was a lovely young man though. We raided the fridge and I cooked him steak and chips. He said he hadn’t eaten anything like that for five years, but he wolfed it down and when he’d washed it down with half a dozen cans of lager from the fridge he seemed to relax ever such a lot.

I’m not going to say any more and you mustn’t tell Floss any of this, you do promise don’t you? Ever since, all I’ve heard is Paul Clarke this, Paul Clarke that. I’ve said nothing. I just let her go on, but please, don’t anyone worry about Bunty, Floss may have got the interview but Bunty got….

Curt

[Janette]

Ooh Bunty, this sounds like a very interesting experience

Tell us all the gory details please (well maybe not quite all! )

[peachy]

Hi Janette, Bunty here on the computer of the extremely attractive Peachy.

I really think I've got to be discreet about the details. All I will say is that Curt kept telling me that this was a unique experience for him. I took that as a compliment.

If ever Floss gets to hear what went on, my name will be mud in flower arranging circles and my chances of getting to the WI AGM at the Royal Albert Hall are right out of the window. But it was worth it, I keep smiling to myself, the world seems to be a happier place and I like to think that Curt has returned to life at Pert n' Trim with renewed vigour and a little spring in his step, although I must say he didn't quite look like that when I left him Sunday morning.

P.S. Heard today that Floss and I are both down to the last 50 to get into the BB house. As you know I didn't watch the last show but Floss assures me it will be a piece of cake if we get in. We just have to sit in deckchairs for 9 weeks and we win £70,000, so that's all right then.

[Romantic Old Bird]

Frightful news I'm afraid.

Bunty's gone completely tonto!

Helen got home in Hadley Wood on Sunday morning to find the door wide open, and the flat littered with joss sticks and Bunty's falderols.

Understandably she feared the worst, and Paul's mobile was ringing hot in his hand by lunchtime I can tell you.

To add insult to injury, he then got a call from a very distressed Jim at Trim and Pert. Curt had just returned home, smelling of absinthe and cheap perfume, and babbling incoherently.

Absinthe and cheap perfume! My blood ran cold and I clutched at my bosom. I knew only too well what that meant...........Bunty!

'My God! I need to find the old girl quickly!' I cried. She needs her medication, and she needs it NOW!

After some deliberation, Paul decided he had to leave without his Apple Crumble, and we leapt onto the old Norton, heading south full tilt. I did not spare the horses, and it was jolly exhilarating I can tell you. The dear boy was forced to cling on to me so tightly!

When I dropped him off and saw the appalling mess Bunty had left the flat in, I felt I had a duty to hang around to pour oil on troubled waters.

Luckily, Helen was immediately reassured by my mild mannered demeanor, and could see that I was completely trustworthy. She listened in wide-eyed amazement as I told her of Bunty's excesses and my need to find her.

Helen insisted that Paul help me out, so we did a quick check with the downstairs neighbours first. Apparently the noises emenating from the flat had caused them to call upon the local constabulary. They had feared a murder was afoot!

Someone had unfortunately also tipped off the Sun, thinking there was an affray between Paul and Helen. The paparazzi arrived just in time to see Bunty being cast unceremoniously into the back of a Black Maria, and Curt being carried off on a stretcher.

I hate to think what will be in tomorrow's papers. Thankfully they must have missed the deadline for today.

Paul and I then made our way to the station, only to find that Bunty had indeed been detained overnight in the cells. She had been charged with assault, battery, and resisting arrest.

When I remonstrated that surely a woman of her advanced years could not have caused much damage I was informed that she had apparently caught the police officer a glancing blow with her whalebone corsets, rendering him momentarily senseless. I understand the language was quite appalling.

I had to call upon my nephew Oliver, who jolly luckily is a solicitor in town, to come along and help us spring the old girl.

The latest is that I have Bunty back here with me. She's back on the medication, full of remorse, and bailed to appear before the beaks on Tuesday. She has really excelled herself this time. I thought that incident with the Llangollen Male Voice Choir had taught her a lesson, but, well, I despair!

Paul and Helen seem to be fine. She is a soft hearted girl, and seemed to understand the frailty that is Bunty's mind. 'Poor old soul' she said, 'Get her back to the home safely, won't you?'. And so I did, pausing only to look back at Paul, apologise again, and thank him for his wonderful company.

As for Curt, well the news is not so good. He was released from the hospital without being detained, as his physical injuries were only superficial. He had broken two of his beautifully manicured nails, but had been assured that with careful nurturing they could be restored to their former glory before the Jubillee Gala. He seemed otherwise unscathed.

Or so we thought.

Jim tells me that Curt has spent the intervening hours sitting staring aimlessly into space, rocking back and forth. Suffice it to say, he has now been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. Jim is also insisting that when Curt recovers sufficiently he will not consider taking him back until he has fully explored his feelings for Bunty. Another relationship ruined!

As for me, well. I can only say that the memory of one night will stay for ever vividly etched upon my heart. Discretion prevents me from revealing all, but I can tell you that 'The Generous Briton' was not only the name of the pub!



Floss Goodboddy, reporting out.

Here to serve!

[jbellemeg]

I fear revenge is sweet Flo. I thought you and Bunty were friends?
We know your little game and be sure the truth will out!



Brilliant, Brilliant Brilliant (AS ALWAYS )

I'm glad you had the last laugh Bunty. Or was it a little more?

[peachy]

Bunty here again,

I've just read Floss's post. Well readers that Floss she does exaggerate, doesn't she? As if Bunty would ever behave like that? You can't believe a word she says.

Thank you Jbellemeg for your support I really need it. Floss, seems to be telling you all sorts of things about me. Just because a person takes a drop to drink and a little medication now and then to soothe the old nerves, doesn't mean anything, does it? I admit there was a trifling incident in Llangollen some years back, but Dai Evans was more than willing. Admitedly, he came back into the male voice choir as a tenor and he'd been singing bass before we met, but that was nothing to do with me, I'm sure.

As for Curt, he's young, he's strong, very strong as a matter of fact, and he will recover. I'm sure that him and Jim will work out their differences and if not there's always room for Curt in our back bedroom.

So now you have the truth about what happened from both Bunty and Floss. It's up to you dear reader to decide whose version you believe. Lovely to talk to you all.

From the sedated but happy Bunty!

[borisse]

Boris here

Well Old Bunt certainly lived up to our expectations. what a past eh? That Flossie has been trying to do her down for a long while.

Medicated tea too. I always knew she liked a drink but what was in that tea I'd like to know. [not that I want ot try it myself of course !]

So Bunty is a dark horse. Dai the tenor can vouch fo that.

We must wait to see what they get up to next this Floss and this Bunt. Will they be let out together.......or not


Keepit up gerls you are the best entertainment going..:s pin2:

[Kaz]

P.S. Heard today that Floss and I are both down to the last 50 to get into the BB house.....

Fantastic news - you really are a game pair of girls, aren't you! I'm sure we could rely on you to spice up the action!

Go Floss and Bunty - we would be guaranteed a spellbinding BB3 if you two were in the house! No backgammon or snakes and ladders for you, eh?

[Princess Pink Pants]

Anymore little stories coming up ROB?

[Romantic Old Bird]

Have you read them all now princess?

I thought maybe with BB3 imminent, it was time to let Paul and Helen walk off into the sunset and live happily ever after, having lots of sparkly blinding fun.....................and





babies!!!

[Mairi]

I see you've been exploring the plauder site too ROB!!!

I, for one, will NEVER get tired of your stories about Paul and Helen.