[Ammi]

...why did the tree fall down..?...

Spoiler:

..it thought it was an elephant...

[AnnieK]

I laughed too Ammi.....Matthew will love those jokes.

His favourite joke is "what is brown and sticky"

Spoiler:

a brown stick

[Kate!]

Ah haha. Love the stick joke. Isn't that one of Niamhs favourites too I think.

[Alf]

My Bonnie Tyler voiced Sat nav is rubbish, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

[Alf]

Did you hear about Sophie Ellis Bextor dying at the home of a footballer? Everybody is saying it was murder on Zidane's floor.

[Alf]

What do you call a dog with 2 cocks?

Spoiler:

N-Dubz

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Alf

What do you call a dog with 2 cocks?

Spoiler:

N-Dubz

[Alf]

How come U2 still haven't found what they're looking for?

Spoiler:

Because the streets have no names

[Dogeatdog]

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter.”

"Thanks Dad!”

"No problem Alan"

[Alf]

Originally Posted by Big Evil

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter.”

"Thanks Dad!”

"No problem Alan"

Very good

[Dogeatdog]

The Chip shop I go to still wrap up meals in newspaper.

Yesterday I got a Plaice in The Sun.

[Dogeatdog]

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now, I see why.

[Beso]

My m8s granny (called eta) on the father he hated sides, ended up being abused by her 50 yr old son (he was a single child to an extent)..he had been nicknamed tarzan for years and years. He had lived with eta since birth as he was etas own child..


however.......my mates dad was in a family with 13 children so was offoaded with 4 of his brothers to live with eta and tarzan.


Anyway years down the line it came out tarzan who was still living at home, just him and his mum did this....swept under the carpet but that's shame for you..but my mate told me on the same day as that volcano erupted......

So I blurted out, as we were both on acid or exstacy....probably both.....


What's the difference between tarzan and a volcano?

A volcano gets called mount etna, but tarzan just mounts eta.


Took us hours to come down from that one.

[Beso]

I was in a restaurant in Paris and ordered the 'Napoleon Chicken.'

When the dish arrived, I was surprised to find very little meat on it, and it was mainly carcass.

I asked the waiter why, and he said 'We only use the 'Boneypart'

[Beso]

Just saw a dyslexic yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.

[Dogeatdog]

Got asked the time by a Yodel delivery driver earlier.

I told him it was sometime between 8am and 6pm.

[Beso]

Ammi..

I wish I could be bothered to make my tartan paint punchline joke..but it's way way to long...and late

I enjoyed yours and will go to sleep smiling about it.

[Dogeatdog]

You can't spell advertisements without putting the ‘semen’ between the ‘tits’.

[Beso]

Originally Posted by Big Evil

You can't spell advertisements without putting the ‘semen’ between the ‘tits’.

I shall use that on Tony tomorrow morning, first thing...

[Dogeatdog]

Originally Posted by parmnion

I shall use that on Tony tomorrow morning, first thing...

[Beso]

Originally Posted by Big Evil

Just made my mate b@@e night. ....he's single and oh my God does he mingle....his 2nd name is seamen.56
and punching..


.

[Mystic Mock]

A German gets asked a question by his English friend at the Cock Inn Pub somewhere in Kent.

Friend: “Do you know what Muhammad's favourite number is in the Quran?”

German: “Nein!”

[Dogeatdog]

Never trust an Electrician with fuzzy hair.

[Dogeatdog]

The word nun is just the letter n doing a forward roll.

[Bleachy]

) Beer Can

If you say 'beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.



2) Jam Ear Can Beer Can

Taking it one step further, if you say 'jam ear can beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'Jamaican bacon' in a Jamaican accent.



3) Space Ghetto

If you say 'space ghetto' in an American accent, it sounds like 'Spice Girl' in a Scottish accent.




'Boots Cat' sounds like beat-boxing.
4) Boots Cat

If you say 'boots cat' quickly over and over again it sounds like you're beat-boxing.



5) In Detroit

If you say 'in Detroit' in an American accent, it will sound like you're saying, 'Isn't that right?' in an Irish accent.




An Australian coffee for later.
6) Lighter

If you're in a cafe in Australia and you'd like more milk or cream in your coffee, don't say, "I'd like my coffee lighter," because they might take it away and bring it back 'later'.



7) Later

Conversely, if you're Australian, and you're not quite ready for your coffee yet, don't tell an American waiter or waitress, "I'll have my coffee later." If you do, don't be surprised if they add cream or milk to your coffee.



8) Emma Chizit

This next one is admittedly quite an unlikely scenario, but if anyone called 'Emma Chizit' happens to be reading this, be careful when speaking to a South African. If you tell them your name they may think you're asking the price. Specifically, it may sound like you're asking, "How much is it?"




"Good eye!"
9) Good Eye

If you're a pirate who wears an eye patch, take care when discussing your bad eye and your 'good eye' with an Australian, as it may sound like you are using the Australian greeting for hello, "G'day!"



10) Soviet Union

Finally, my Geordie mate has just got a job in Russia campaigning for the rights of napkin makers. It's in the serviette union.