[Redway]

Listen, we all love a good gossip here-and-there (myself-included) and that’s even healthy but there’s a difference between that and running your mouth about people you barely know to people who know them even less (especially when what you saying might not even be true) but we don’t judge each-other as much on TiBB so it’s okay. Let’s just get into it and lay our discretionary (or lack thereof) cards on the table.

[Cherie]

If I am told something in confidence I will take it to my grave

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Cherie

If I am told something in confidence I will take it to my grave

It’s good you’re capable of preserving trust like that. I’m alright with any of my first three options as far as other people’s reasoning goes (I understand there’s a reason for them) but on the other extreme some people think they know things about people that the person wouldn’t even want them to think or know and sound it from Jericho Walls to anyone with ears, and then wonder why that person doesn’t let them become anything like friends to them. Some people have no filters, boundaries or respect for people’s dignity whatsoever.

[Alf]

I'm not telling you.

[user104658]

Bit of a dual answer here. If something is said in confidence then I will keep it that way - with the caveat of understanding that if you tell me something, you are telling both me and my wife that thing. We talk about literally everything. Essentially it's not just that I might tell her, I 100% definitely will tell her, and vice versa. However for both of us, it will go no further than that.

I think that should generally be assumed of most long term/married couples, though.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Soldier Boy

Bit of a dual answer here. If something is said in confidence then I will keep it that way - with the caveat of understanding that if you tell me something, you are telling both me and my wife that thing. We talk about literally everything. Essentially it's not just that I might tell her, I 100% definitely will tell her, and vice versa. However for both of us, it will go no further than that.

I think that should generally be assumed of most long term/married couples, though.

I know a lot of people do that but I still don’t understand it. Your spouse doesn’t have to know the ins and outs of other people’s lives. They’re not married to them.

[user104658]

Originally Posted by Redway

I know a lot of people do that but I still don’t understand it. Your spouse doesn’t have to know the ins and outs of other people’s lives. They’re not married to them.

When you've been married for 15 years (and are close) you become sort of a hive mind. I don't have to tell her anything, we just... do talk about everything. I just tend to assume that if I tell a friend who is married something, then their partner will also know about it, and that's fine. If it was then spread any further than that from either of them, I wouldn't be happy.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Soldier Boy

When you've been married for 15 years (and are close) you become sort of a hive mind. I don't have to tell her anything, we just... do talk about everything. I just tend to assume that if I tell a friend who is married something, then their partner will also know about it, and that's fine. If it was then spread any further than that from either of them, I wouldn't be happy.

I wouldn’t be happy with someone’s spouse who doesn’t know me and isn’t anything to do with me becoming privy to personal information second-hand but then worse stuff happens behind closed doors, and spouses aren’t always comfortable doing secrets. But if it went any further than that without a good reason you’d probably be dead to me from that point. And if you work in an environment where confidentiality’s important then the information generally stays within those four walls and then you go home. I wouldn’t be telling my spouse about that or expect them to feel entitled to know just because we’re married.

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Redway

I wouldn’t be happy with someone’s spouse who doesn’t know me and isn’t anything to do with me becoming privy to personal information second-hand but then worse stuff happens behind closed doors, and spouses aren’t always comfortable doing secrets. But if it went any further than that without a good reason you’d probably be dead to me from that point. And if you work in an environment where confidentiality’s important then the information generally stays within those four walls and then you go home. I wouldn’t be telling my spouse about that or expect them to feel entitled to know just because we’re married.

People don’t need to know you to have an opinion of you
The old saying first impressions count, comes to mind

The only way to guarantee your personal information doesn’t get shared is not to share it.

By posting your views and and sharing information on here people will have an opinion of you

The only way you give people power over you is by actually caring what they think

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by Soldier Boy

Bit of a dual answer here. If something is said in confidence then I will keep it that way - with the caveat of understanding that if you tell me something, you are telling both me and my wife that thing. We talk about literally everything. Essentially it's not just that I might tell her, I 100% definitely will tell her, and vice versa. However for both of us, it will go no further than that.

I think that should generally be assumed of most long term/married couples, though.

I think that's generally true for me but not always. I wouldn't tell Gav personal things my closest girlfriends tell me, I would see that as a betrayal of their confidence and he really doesn't need (or really want) to know anyway. I would tell him some stuff but not things that they'd find it embarrassing for a guy to know or just want it kept in our girls circle, if you know what I mean?

[Cherie]

Originally Posted by Niamh.

I think that's generally true for me but not always. I wouldn't tell Gav personal things my closest girlfriends tell me, I would see that as a betrayal of their confidence and he really doesn't need (or really want) to know anyway. I would tell him some stuff but not things that they'd find it embarrassing for a guy to know or just want it kept in our girls circle, if you know what I mean?

Pretty much this

Mrs SB is probably keeping loads of things from SB without his knowledge

[MTVN]

Originally Posted by Soldier Boy

Bit of a dual answer here. If something is said in confidence then I will keep it that way - with the caveat of understanding that if you tell me something, you are telling both me and my wife that thing. We talk about literally everything. Essentially it's not just that I might tell her, I 100% definitely will tell her, and vice versa. However for both of us, it will go no further than that.

I think that should generally be assumed of most long term/married couples, though.

I understand why this happens but it does make me a bit cautious about what I'd tell my married friends

Had a situation before where something has happened you wouldn't want talked about, guy tells his wife 'in confidence', she tells her best friend 'in confidence', her friend tells her parents 'in confidence' and before you know it it's all over the place!

[rusticgal]

Originally Posted by MTVN

I understand why this happens but it does make me a bit cautious about what I'd tell my married friends

Had a situation before where something has happened you wouldn't want talked about, guy tells his wife 'in confidence', she tells her best friend 'in confidence', her friend tells her parents 'in confidence' and before you know it it's all over the place!

That’s so true…

[user104658]

Originally Posted by MTVN

I understand why this happens but it does make me a bit cautious about what I'd tell my married friends

Had a situation before where something has happened you wouldn't want talked about, guy tells his wife 'in confidence', she tells her best friend 'in confidence', her friend tells her parents 'in confidence' and before you know it it's all over the place!

To be fair, I wouldn't tell my wife those things (and vice versa) if I wasn't 100% certain she wouldn't share them with other people, and it's also not "non-consensual" I guess you would say, I have a small number of very close friends who are likely to confide anything massively personal and they do that knowing that they're essentially confiding in both of us. And that goes both ways too, I don't share anything with them without expecting that I'm sharing it with their partners too. We're all old men in 15+ year relationships.

[thesheriff443]

For me lots of people open up to me, they are not sharing their secrets they are sharing their pain and their fears because they trust me not to judge them

[bots]

i only share gossip with ChatGPT which is totally private of course

[Swan]

Yeah i can keep things to myself, especially if revealing them means other people would get hurt. I dunno if i was right or wrong in this case, but a friend of mine who was in a relationship with my GF's (at the time) best friend, had cheated on her a few times (with the same woman). I knew about this and chose not to say anything, one because by telling my GF it would put her in an awful predicament, and two because my friend has asked me not to say anything.

Morally maybe it was wrong of me, but in some cases it's probably best to keep your mouth shut.

[Redway]

The second option I drafted in the poll (generally being happy to keep schtum and respect their privacy but spilling when you fall out with that person) is a big one. I generally don’t even do that but one thing I’ve definitely done in the past is waiting for a fall-out to mention things about that person that aren’t so brilliant and never mentioning them outside that context even when I’ve been asked directly. Sometimes it’s easier to just lie about stuff if you’re on good terms with the person and you’re not trying to hurt their feelings, sometimes it’s actually wiser to keep quiet about stuff until that person’s out of your life enough to finally be confronted with the fact that you always knew about all their smack-talking and gaslighting (or whatever it was, as the case may be) and sometimes it’s better to just keep it pushing in that middle ground of ‘I’ll answer honestly if you ask me to evaluate one particular part of your life for good or bad but bearing in mind that some things are generally best left unsaid at the time.’ But blabbing about things that didn’t particularly bother me at the time (especially if we actually talked about it and ironed out what our issues were) just because of a fall-out with that person has never been my style. I’m never going to speak positively about you if I’m that vexed with you but I’ll still keep your confidence.

[Crimson Dynamo]

If you tell someone they will tell someone else

100%

So if you dont want anyone to know

tell noone

[user104658]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

If you tell someone they will tell someone else

100%

So if you dont want anyone to know

tell noone

I do largely agree with that - if there's anything that you think to yourself, this absolutely CANNOT EVER be known, the safest thing to do is stuff it right to the back of your own head and not even think about it .

[Crimson Dynamo]

Originally Posted by Soldier Boy

I do largely agree with that - if there's anything that you think to yourself, this absolutely CANNOT EVER be known, the safest thing to do is stuff it right to the back of your own head and not even think about it .

Look at that twin brother who was pissed up and drove and he killed a cyclist. He called his twin and the 2 of them buried the body deep in a Scottish estate they both worked for.

He would be walking about free if he had not told his fiance...

[Redway]

I guess it probably doesn’t hurt to mention things people have told you in confidence discreetly and indirectly (so you’re not going to be dropping their name or any other cues). I could live with that if I was the one doing the confiding.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Soldier Boy

I do largely agree with that - if there's anything that you think to yourself, this absolutely CANNOT EVER be known, the safest thing to do is stuff it right to the back of your own head and not even think about it .

Or you could just talk to Samaritans. They don’t rush back home to tell their husbands or wives the calls they’ve been answering. Strict confidentiality does exist out there outside the licensed so-and-so’s office. It’s good to be reminded of that in a world where people use marriage as an excuse to gossip about people’s private business that was told to them in confidence. They didn’t marry your spouse as well.

[user104658]

Originally Posted by Redway

Or you could just talk to Samaritans. They don’t rush back home to tell their husbands or wives the calls they’ve been answering. Strict confidentiality does exist out there outside the licensed so-and-so’s office. It’s good to be reminded of that in a world where people use marriage as an excuse to gossip about people’s private business that was told to them in confidence. They didn’t marry your spouse as well.

People who work at things like Samaritans and crisis lines do talk to their partners (or even their therapists) about things that they've been told or have happened during their work I'm afraid Redway. They can't say anything identifying or any names but if you're in a role where you're having other people's trauma conveyed to you all day, not talking about it at all to anyone would be a VERY bad idea.

Also worth remembering that even in a professional context there is no thing as 100% strict individual confidentiality; people on a crisis line will be talking to (and taking advice from) colleagues and supervisors constantly.

Plus safeguarding trumps confidentiality e.g. if you "in confidence" disclose a viable intent to kill yourself, or harm others, a professional confidant will absolutely break confidentiality, and in fact, are obligated to do so.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Soldier Boy

People who work at things like Samaritans and crisis lines do talk to their partners (or even their therapists) about things that they've been told or have happened during their work I'm afraid Redway. They can't say anything identifying or any names but if you're in a role where you're having other people's trauma conveyed to you all day, not talking about it at all to anyone would be a VERY bad idea.

Also worth remembering that even in a professional context there is no thing as 100% strict individual confidentiality; people on a crisis line will be talking to (and taking advice from) colleagues and supervisors constantly.

Plus safeguarding trumps confidentiality e.g. if you "in confidence" disclose a viable intent to kill yourself, or harm others, a professional confidant will absolutely break confidentiality, and in fact, are obligated to do so.

Volunteers who don’t have sense of discretion do that, yeah. For others, there’s no way that they would go home and tell their spouses or boyfriends anything. That’s what the Samaritans in-house support for volunteers is there for. You seem to have a logical foundation for wanting boundaries to be subtly pushed in conversation but not everyone operates on that premise, and thank God they don’t.

The only times Samaritans breaks confidentiality when safeguarding’s concerned is when there’s a minor or an adult deemed particularly vulnerable in a certain fundamental way is involved. They have a self-determination policy over at Samaritans, which means that you can choose to subject a volunteer to your last conversation on Earth being with them and commit suicide on the other end. So long as you’re deemed as having the intellectual capacity to make that decision, they can’t stop you, and even if they think you’re vulnerable in that regard, there’s nothing they can do without you providing them identifying information because they really don’t have access to any of that information at all otherwise. They don’t know where you’re calling from in t’UK or Ireland, they don’t know your number, they don’t know anything about you whatsoever other than what you tell them. It wouldn’t work otherwise. So you get down that high horse about safeguarding right-this minute. Maybe that’s how it is at other organisations (undoubtedly) but not Samaritans.

I know strict confidentiality is something you struggle to get your head around but it does exist. You shouldn’t put people off ringing Samaritans because you expect them to all be just like you and breaking confidentiality because “there are no secrets in an ideal marriage”. You leave your Samaritans work at Samaritans. No offence but good Samaritans are not people like you. Always trying to find loopholes in confidentiality and a reason to tell your wife things that other people told you in confidence. You’re extensively trained at Samaritans not to be like that. And if that mentality can’t budge or you’re naturally the sort of person who worse-yet likes to gossip, being a Samaritan is obviously not for you.