[tigerbeer]

June 23, 2005
INREVIEW

I had an idea about Maxwell this evening, during his argument with Science about the wine theft. But before I say what my idea is, I just have to get something off my chest:

Maxwell Ward, I despise you.

Euuugh. I'm afraid I simply don't have the language skills to do justice to my hatred. The best I can do is put "loathsome" into a thesaurus and list the results:

Synonyms:

abhorrent, abominable, beastly, bitchy, creepy, deplorable, detestable, disgusting, execrable, gross, hideous, horrible, invidious, lousy, nasty, nauseating, obnoxious, odious, offensive, pestiferous, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, sleazeball, sleazy, slimy, spastic, stinking, uncool, vile


Every atom in my body, every shivering corner of my mind fizzes with loathing when he slimes onto the screen. There is no death too painful, slow, humiliating, or complicated to rig up that I wouldn't have that verminous twat Maxwell suffer.

It's been *far* too long since someone was properly broken on the wheel in this country. You know - with the arms and legs smashed and threaded through the spokes. It lasts ages if done carefully enough, so that none of the broken bones break major arteries.

Or I wouldn't mind paying for his feet to be cheese-wired off by a professional cheese chef then have him watch as his feet were tossed into a rusty skip with six baying hyenas and then have him lowered in the skip, stumps-first, from a crane while ranks of schoolchildren sang hymns and threw golf balls at his face and neck. (How much would that sort of thing cost? Probably upwards of four hundred quid, these days. Still, it'd be worth it. I love hearing children sing).

But enough of such happy fancies; my idea - that's what I wanted to talk about. (Well, I say "idea" - it's hardly original). What I think someone should do - and this is what I'd do myself if I had the wherewithal - is to sample a load of Maxwellisms: "jog on, jog on, you si!" etc. etc. and mix them together with a suitable disco beat. (That "heads shoulders knees and toes..." from Wednesday's show - that might be a good place to start).

You'd have a Faliraki anthem on your hands: no trouble. You could probably turn him into a ringtone. And let's face it, if there's one single creature in the universe whose voice could be more chillingly irritating than the Crazy Frog's, it's Maxwell Ward's. That little ****.

I hate him.
Did I mention that I hate him?
Well, I do.