[Jayson]

LOL!

http://www.urban75.org/useless/insultshow.html

[The crowd starts chanting "Mr Insult! You're a ****"]

Mr Insult: Tonight on my ****ing great show we have a chuffing fantastic episode in store! That *****ing tw*t Jayson is here to finally confess something to his ****-wit chum, David. So come on you useless trailer trash ****ers, let's hear it for the ****ing shithead, Jayson!

[The crowd whoops and hollers, swearing profusely]

Mr Insult: Okay, now Jayson you're here to talk about some **** or another, aren't you?

You: Yes.

Mr Insult: And who is the desperate loser you want to talk about?

You: Christina.

[The crowd squeals with delight]

Mr Insult: OK, ****face, great news - Christina, is actually here tonight ...

[The crowd squeals]

Mr Insult: But first we have a ****ing great surprise for you Jayson, because there's some other ****er here to see you! So let's bring out this complete **** ... Andy!

You: What the ****ing arsing chuffing cunting heck?!!!

[Suddenly you pull out a Raspberry. Andy reaches for the Chair. As the crowd pisses themselves with laughter, Hannah appears from out of the shadows]

Hannah: Wait you ****ing tossers....

Mr Insult: Yes, come on you pitiful fame-desperate inbreds, calm down for a minute. Now, Andy you look like a right useless ****. Why are you here?.

Andy: Because I saw Jayson and Hannah ****ing the arse off each other out at the The TiBB Arms!

[The crowd turns nauseous at the thought of those two Bug Uglies exchanging bodily fluids]

Hannah: You cunting lying shithead! I was home watching TiBB's Most Wanted!

Mr Insult: [flashing the vick and trying to feel up the ladies in the crowd] Look you gormless, moronic shithead... what exactly is the problem Andy?

Andy: Well, I've recently been having filthy animal sex with David who has recently become engaged to Hannah.

[The crowd joins in with a rousing chorus of 'You're a Slack ****!']

Mr Insult: Really? Right up the tradesman's entrance, eh? Saucy! Well why don't we bring David out here because Jayson had something that they needed to tell them anyway about Christina

David: [strolls on stage and walks towards you ] What's the ****ing deal, you ****? I saw you outside getting it on with Christina! You know how I feel about that ****ing hopeless ****wit tosser Christina!

Hannah: [screams] What? Why the ******** hell did you ****ing ask me to ****ing marry you if you're in love with that ****face weasel Christina!

David: Because I knew that I could never shag Christina. But Jayson promised me that they'd never **** each other out of respect for my feelings!

Hannah: What about respect for my feelings you useless piece of ****!

[Andy walks suddenly across the stage, and tries to get jiggy with David]

Andy: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of those useless ****wits now that you have me.

[The crowd laughs at the pitiful specimens on stage and unites in a thunderous chant of, 'Deck the ****ing ****!']

Hannah: You cunting fishfaced ****head! Are you ****ing sick!?

[Hannah runs across the room and starts rubbing up against you in a sexual manner]

Hannah: Jayson take me away from all of ****ing bullshit!

You: You see? That's the ****in problem you useless divvy. I'm ****ing married.

[The crowd hurls general abuse as Mr Insult does exaggerated wanking motion]

Hannah: Cunting married, you ****?

[You nod]

Hannah: Who the **** are you married to you ****ing lying bullshitting twat? When ... when the **** did this happen? I don't bollocking understand!

You: The other day you clueless shithead. In Splott, Cardiff. I'm married to Christina.

David: [screaming] YOU ****ING WHAT?!!

Mr Insult: [grinning widely, and sliding his hand up a girl in the audiences skirt] So ... did you have a ****ing great wedding night and and get loads of botty action with spunk flying everywhere and ... and.... and...?

Christina: [giving exaggerated ****ing action] Well, we ****ed like a pair of randy ferrets on acid 32 times if that's what you mean.

[The crowd squeals, girl discovers Mr Insult's hand and slaps him in the face]

Mr Insult: Okay, okay. So let me get this all bollocks straight you useless ****ers ... Jayson is married to Christina who David has secretly been shagging with for years and years. Now David has recently become engaged to Hannah who was recently spotted ****ing Jayson in The TiBB Arms. Now on top of this, Andy has just admitted to being in an arse-****ing relationship with David.

Christina: That's ****ing right Mr Insult.

Mr Insult: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that I wonder why I bother sharing the stage with such a bunch of publicity-hungry ****wits. Just look at them: a useless bunch of inbred clowns who will do anything to appear on a show as shitty as mine. But I don't give a **** because I get paid to do this ****!

Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time for Mr Insult's Final Thought, and I say ..... **** off you useless bunch of *****!

Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - now **** off you useless bag of inbred losers.

[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]