[Mrluvaluva]

I'd half expected him to come swaggering in like Cock O' the North.

Instead Jack Tweed slips in behind his manager, looking a bit sheepish, a bit scared. But most of all - lost.

"I AM lost," he says quietly "I'm 22, my wife's dead and I don't know what the hell to do. I just don't know how to handle this grief.

"I know booze isn't the answer but it helps me forget - even if it's only for a few hours. And yes, I know I'm letting Jade down and I've read stories about how I'm dancing on her grave.

"But I don't know what else to do. She's not here to tell me what to do. And she was the only person in the world who could - and who I'd listen to.

"At least after a few vodka Red Bulls I'm not thinking about her. I'm not thinking about how miserable I am, how lonely I am, how empty my life is."

It's four months since Jade Goody died from cervical cancer - four months in which her husband has gone from national hero to national disgrace.

There have been a string of stories about wild nights in clubs, women he's bedded and drunken lads' holidays in Marbella. He's been accused of cashing in on his wife's death and never loving her - only marrying her for the money.

"And that's the stuff that hurts the most," Jack says. "I haven't received a single penny from Jade's estate. I'm not in her will because I didn't want to be. I wanted her to feel safe knowing the boys have everything - and they have.

"And how can people say I didn't love her? I never have and never will love anyone the way I loved Jade.

"Even when she was dying we laughed every day. Yes, before the cancer we had arguments, bad times (including when Jade kicked him out for sleeping with another woman), but I always knew she was The One. And I can't see me ever having what we had with another girl.

"I'm sure I'll eventually meet girls I care about. But there'll never be another Jade." I tell him the public won't have much sympathy having read the kiss-and-tells from women he's supposed to have bedded, and having seen the photos of girls leaving his house after an all-night party.

"Look, I know I'm not handling this right," says Tweed. "But can someone please tell me what IS the right way to handle losing your wife to cancer at 27? No one I loved ever died before. So I don't know how to do this, to live this life I have now.

"Yes, I sometimes end up doing stupid things. But there's no manual on how to deal with this. People are trying to say I'm an alcoholic because I've been drunk a few times. But YOU try losing your wife at 22 - and see how it feels."

Jack admits that he drinks a bottle of vodka when he's on a bender - but insists he is not a booze addict. However, he adds: "I DO need help. I just don't know what kind of help.

"I know I'm using alcohol as a crutch, I know it can make me do crazy things, but I can't see myself pouring out my problems to strangers, to counsellors. What can they do? They can't bring Jade back."

I'm torn between wanting to smack him and shake him because he's being stubborn in believing he has to do this HIS way. But it IS just 12 weeks since he watched his wife die. How many young men have to cope with that?

His other problem is he doesn't have much to do. Before Jade's death there was the engagement, the wedding, the filming, the boys' christening . . .

But now she's gone, his life has ground to a halt. And there's a void he has no idea how to fill - except with parties, booze and unsuitable women.

He says: "Every day I'm getting slaughtered in the media. And, yes, it's my fault. But it's horrible that my nan and granddad have to read all these stories. They ring me up all upset asking if they're true."

So are they true? "I've slept with one girl since Jade died and that was Lisa O'Connor," Jacks says. "And I did that because she kept turning up at every club and gig I went to. My friends warned me she was after me, so in the end - after too many vodka Red Bulls - I just did it.

"It's no excuse and I'm not proud of myself. I felt dirty and sick and guilty afterwards. But how many men have slept with a woman when they're drunk then regretted it?"

I tell him not many who'd lost their wives just a few weeks before.

"I know, I know," he says. "But what am I supposed to do? I can't stay at home because there's no one there. And when I'm alone I start thinking about Jade so I go out and get drunk to forget. Isn't that what people do when they lose someone?"

Jack can't seem to distinguish between going out for a few beers with his mates and getting legless in some club then bringing hordes of women back to his house for all-night parties, where he knows the paparazzi will be waiting. I find it hard to believe he's only slept with one girl since Jade's death. He says: "I know people are making out that I'm sleeping with every girl I meet. They're saying I'm behaving like I don't give a s***. But they don't know me.

"I AM a flirt when I'm out. But there's nothing wrong with flirting. Do people expect me to stay at home 24/7 and cry? Well I've done that and it's no way to live.

"And just because I flirt with a girl it doesn't mean I'm sleeping with her. When they come up to me I don't want to tell them to get lost because my job is being a club promoter. I'm paid to get people into the clubs."

Jack gets £3,000 a night to turn up at a club. If he's there, the owners know the press will be there too.

He says: "Women do come on to me. I don't flatter myself and think it's because of the way I look. It's because they can make a pound note - it's been happening for years.

"It even happened when Jade was around. And it's always the same kind of girl - the ones who don't wear many clothes but lots of make-up.

"Of course I recognise those girls, and if I was in control I'd steer clear, but I'm not." I say he could tell them his wife had just died. "You think they don't already know that?" he says quietly.

"I don't want to whinge but what WOULD be a respectable amount of time before the public would accept me going out? I always expected this to happen. I knew people would be watching me."

So why not behave better? "Because I won't grieve to order. I won't get over Jade in the way the public want me to, because there is no right way. I just have to get through it the best I can.

"I'm just doing what most 22- year-old lads would do. I'm not very mature, I'm not particularly clever and yes, I'm probably making a mess of it. But that's how it is.

"I totally understand why people are turning against me. I see how they must see me. But I hate being on my own, I hate coming home to an empty house, so I make sure it doesn't happen very often."

Jack says his mum Mary is desperately worried about him, and he gets phone calls from Jade's friends telling him to cut down on the booze: "They're not happy with me but they understand why I'm doing it."

I don't doubt Tweed is struggling and broken-hearted. But I remind myself that despite his youth he's not so innocent, having already been in jail twice for violence.

He insists: "Prison's changed me, I won't be going back inside. There are people inside who have nothing to come out for - no life, no prospects, no one to love them, so they don't care how many times they get sent down. That's not how it is for me.

"Yes, I've lost Jade but I know that eventually there will be light at the end of the tunnel. And I hope sometime I WILL meet someone to love again - although it won't be for a long time.

"And I have some great business ideas. I want a decent life and I'm working hard to make sure I get it. Jade always told me to grab every opportunity that came up - and that's what I'm doing."

But isn't his wild behaviour a bad example for her sons Bobby, six, and Freddie, four? There have been rumours that their dad Jeff Brazier doesn't want Jack around any more - and that Jade's mum Jackiey Budden is trying to persuade Jeff not to let the kids near him.

At the mention of the children's names, tears spring into Jack's eyes. "Look," he says, "I'd never, ever take a drink around the boys. Not ever. I love them and I'd never do anything that might put them in danger.

"The one thing I do know in all this is that I always want the boys in my life - at least until they don't want me. But I don't believe that'll ever happen. Jeff knows how I feel about Freddie and Bobby. There isn't a problem between me and him. But it's still hard because I'm used to living with the boys, having them every day - feeding them, dressing them. I was the one who got Bobby off the bottle and out of nappies. I helped bring them up.

"It's horrible being the other person - like Jeff used to be - having to ring up and ask if I can see them.

"But Jeff's been fine. He's never said at any point he has a problem with me. I'm sure he's got his opinions about the way I'm handling things but he and I don't talk about that. We just talk about the boys.

"I don't see them as much as I want to. But I speak to them on the phone all the time and I know they still get excited when I call."

Do they talk to him about Jade? Jack says: "Freddie still talks about Jade but Bobby hasn't said much.

"I was sitting outside Freddie's classroom one day and there was a ledge. He just looked at me and said 'If I jumped off that would I die?' I said he would and asked why he wanted to know. 'Because it means I could go to Heaven and be with Mummy,' he said. I didn't know what to say.

"But I know Bobby misses Jade massively. He's a very shy boy and would never ask for a cuddle but he did ask Jen (Jennifer Smith, Jade's best friend) the other day.

"The only person he ever used to ask for cuddles was his mummy."

I ask Jack if he thinks the boys will be disappointed in the way he's handling their mum's death. He wells up again. "I didn't think about that," he says in a whisper.

"But I do care what they think about me, and if I could see them more often it would help me focus.

"It would give me a reason to stay at home if they were with me." I ask why he didn't attend a recent memorial service for Jade, and made a pop video with girl band Bubble G instead. "That's a perfect example of people getting things wrong," he says.

"Jackiey had just come back from Tenerife and wanted to arrange a gathering of Jade's friends and family.

"It was never a REAL memorial service - it was just so friends and family could see her new gravestone then go out for a meal. Jackiey didn't tell us till 5.30pm the night before, and I couldn't let the band down. The crew had been booked for weeks. I wasn't the only one who couldn't go because of the short notice. Max Clifford couldn't make it, two of the trustees (of Jade's estate) couldn't and a lot of Jade's friends couldn't.

"And yes, I should have personally rung Jackiey and said I couldn't be there - but I couldn't face her. I run away from problems and it's best to run away from Jackiey when there's a problem because she can be terrifying.

"I don't want to fall out with my dead wife's mother but I don't always know how to deal with her.

"Jackiey argues with everyone and if she has a go at me I always text her and say, 'Whatever it is, it's my fault and I'm sorry' because it's the only way to make her calm down."

Jack says if there is a "proper" memorial service, "of course" he will be there. He adds: "I know people have me down as this drunken thug who hits people, who doesn't care about his wife and only married her for her money. But Jade knew that wasn't true, and that's all that matters.

"She knew I loved her and she knew I was there for her when she needed me. My conscience is totally clear on that. I was with her - always - for the simple reason I loved her."

I'm trying to imagine how I'd have behaved in Jack's shoes if, at 22, I'd lost the love of my life. Maybe I would have taken the road he's taken. Maybe a lot of us would. Which is why I really want to believe what he says.

Because the alternative means he's made fools of us all - especially Jade.

Within hours of doing this interview, Jack (who'd said he wouldn't be going out again until next week) was spotted leaving a nightclub with three blondes and taking them back to his Chigwell home.

So are these the actions of a desolate man - or just a very dumb one?


Source and video interview.