[Mrluvaluva]

While many parts of the returning Saturday night monolith remain the same, these live arena first audition rounds give the Factor a different flavour altogether. We recap the highs and bellows of the first episode...

The judges are the same, the songs are the same, the show is much the same ... but with one major difference: the X Factor's auditions are being played out in front of a crowd.

This year we'll be posting reviews and reactions to the audition shows, and move on to live-blogging when the live finals begin. So what popstar treats and tuneless delusionals did the first show of the new series bring? And are the big changes a big mistake?

Actually, let me start off by saying yes. Yes they are. I hate the live auditions, and I need to say that before anything else. They're horrible. And I hate them. A lot. But we'll come back to that later.

As usual, the show began with a montage of some of the worst auditions of all time; some of the best; lots of screaming, lots of thunderclap sound effects and in booming voiceover a barrage of super-adjectives about how much more "EXPLOSIVE!" and "GROUND BREAKING!" and "HUGE!" "MASSIVE!" "BIGGER THAN EVER BEFORE!" this years X Factor would be.

But what did that actually mean? As Simon explained: "This is going to be a much more difficult audition process; they're going to perform in front of two, three, 4,000 people, they're going to have music behind them, it's going to be much harder" ... and completely different, of course. Although completely different in the sense of "quite a lot like Britain's Got Talent". But meaner.

THE GOOD

Stacy, single mum from Dagenham, Essex, wasn't wheeled out until 20 bloody minutes in, and was the first person who could string notes together. Very well, in fact. She was not only in tune, but also had some sense of artistry as well. She got four yeses, of course, and giggled charmingly through all of them.

After little Joe finished his Luther Vandross song, the judges had to wait for the standing ovation to die down before they could make their comments. He had dimples. He got through.

Roy Robson, singing plasterer, flicked through one of the montages of "people who got through to the next round", and I hereby call that he's going to be through to the live finals (mainly because Louis proclaimed him to be unpopstarly on the basis, as far as I can tell, that he had a beard. Beards are in, Louis.)

Daniel, who is a teacher, was the last to perform - and though he comes from the "sing anything but the notes that actually make up the song" school of popstardom, he was perhaps the most accomplished performer the X Factor has ever seen. He had the audience involved, the crowd going wild, and Simon on his feet giving a standing ovation almost before it even ended.

If he doesn't win, I'll eat Louis Walsh.

THE BAD

This is where I think the biggest misstep is. Parading the worst auditions on the TV always seemed mean enough; parading them in front of a live audience feels really, unnecessarily cruel.

Starting off with the Dreamgirls, a pair of Lithuanian sisters was brave for them, amusing for the audience, and aural torture for the rest of us. It did, however, highlight one thing about the live audience audition process: at least when the judges used to creatively insult you in the old way it was just you, them, and your shame. And a camera crew, obv. But now, when they say something mean, no matter how it is couched, you have the laughter of 3,000 people to back it up. And that seems harsh.

And then there were some others: but what more is there to add? They were bad. They found out, a lot of them, live on stage. In front of several thousand people, laughing.

THE JUDGY

They're the same four, but with Cheryl now more relaxed, Simon continuing the aging and mellowing process, and Louis looking more like he deserves a little leprechaun hat than ever. Dannii was also there, I think. She kind of blends into the chairs.

Oooh, What a shocker (TM)

Everyone got their imaginary X Factor Bingo cards to hand? Then take your dabber and mark a large cross over the "Cliched Surprised Reaction" box. The judges response to lovely Stacy was predictably glowing: she'd come on being very chatty and every day and normal, and then busted out the big voice. Like, you know, several other people that might spring to mind. "I am not often surprised," said Simon Cowell, untruthfully, when she finished: "But I was not expecting you to be anywhere near as good as you were."

Best exchange

"Do you have any pets?" asked Louis, randomly.
"Yes, but just my mum; she's here today," said Kyle; Scotland's biggest Girls Aloud fan.
"He asked if you had any pets," clarified Simon.
"Why?" said Kyle.

It was a fair answer. Didn't help him in the process, though.

May the cockfighting continue

The teasing between Simon and Louis is fun. There should be more of it. But still, at the moment, it's all lost in the baying of the crowd and the howling of the "comedy acts". (Which, let's go over this one more time, aren't comedy because they are intending to be funny, most of them: they're comedy because they don't realise how unattainable their dream is... Which isn't, when you think about it, really that funny at all)

YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT TO ITV1

Sorry, I only managed to get seven minutes into the Xtra Factor, and when the first person presented for ridicule actually appeared to have learning difficulties, I put it on mute and didn't see any reason to unmute it. I guess if it didn't make it to the main show, it's not worth seeing (and sometimes even when it did, it wasn't). Right?

Oh, no, wait, there was a nice teenager called Clare. She'll be representing the girl next door at boot camp.

BIGGER REALLY BETTER?

I understand that it worked for Britain's Got Talent but did the live arena audition work here?

Also, with the live audience, and the addition of music (so you can hear just how out of tune people are) there's also the fact that everyone seems to be tied into performing for about two minutes - no matter how well or badly it's going. The screamers, the speakers, the tuneless and the terrible - where they might have been stopped after couple of notes before, now, they just keep on rocking. Or rather, not.

As X Factor has a tradition of showing not only the 'slightly less good' but the actively really, REALLY bad auditions, obviously they were going to continue doing that here; but it seems an ill fit with the new audition process. But I think I might have made my feelings on that quite clear.

It's good that the show's back. Some of the contestants in it tonight look likely to be in it all the way till the end. But the new arena auditions? Thumbs down, here, but what does my opinion matter: more importantly - what did you think?


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