[Z]

I'm just going to give you some recent examples...

A few weeks ago, I knew I had 3 big pieces of work to do for my subjects. Suddenly the number went up to 5. No sooner had I done two of the five pieces of work, did it go back up to 5. When I did one of them, it went up to 5 once more. It's now at 4, thankfully it won't go back up again; but I have four pieces of work/tests to do and I finish Uni next Friday. That's pretty unfair.

I've been depressed for months at Uni; not in an attention seeking way or a self harming way, but just bored and sad because I'm alone; my Dad visited me on the Thursday and it was the first time I'd genuinely felt happy in months... the other day he tells me that there's a distinct possibility he has MS (multiple sclerosis - essentially you become more and more disabled over time) and I'm not to tell my mum or my brothers because he doesn't want unnecessary drama at home in case it's not MS, but he needed to tell someone, so now I'm upset and I can't tell anyone why.

I went out tonight for the first time in a while, decided to just screw all this work and go and have a night of fun instead of spending yet another endless night in my room on here and on Facebook; went out and had a whale of a time, came back to the flat to discover my best friend (he lives in my flat.. we requested it) throwing up and desperately needing to go to hospital (he's been ill for a year and a half with a mystery illness that no doctor has diagnosed) so I only got back from hospital at 5 in the morning... I have a 9am lecture to attend tomorrow morning, they're compulsory and they take attendance at them.

It feels like every time something positive happens in my life, there's just something terrible waiting round the corner for me. Those are just really recent examples, I'm not exaggerating, I just don't think I'm allowed to be happy anymore... I dyed my hair and I really, really liked it, that cheered me up so much and made me forget about my dad maybe having MS for a while; I went on webcam to show my mum and all she could do was insult me and make me feel bad about myself. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't really know what is expected of me by other people or how I'm supposed to stop attracting bad luck, it feels like I spend all my time trying to make other people happy and I get nothing in return... I emailed the lecturer who takes tomorrow's class to let her know I had to go to hospital and won't be in tomorrow, I don't care if she doesn't accept it as an excuse, I have things other than ****ty 9am lectures on German grammar to focus on.

Anyway, I'm off to hug my pillow and tell myself things will be better some day. Night/morning fellow TiBBers, I hope life's treating you better than it's treating me...