[Claymores]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

Right. Cleaned this thread AGAIN.

Try to keep on topic and refrain from attacking each other

Gonna giggle if my kilt lands around ankles while dancing with the bride's old auttie the Vicks? Middle of germany !!!!!!!!

[Shasown]

When I discovered the joys of masturbation, I became seriously addicted, so much so that I developed tendonitis in first my right wrist, then as I started to increase the workload on my other arm my left wrist soon succumbed to it as well.

The pain was horrendous, but still I couldnt stop the self abuse. I knew I had very few options left to me so I tried dipping my hands in the deep fat fryer in order that I wouldnt be able to use my hands.

My parents took me to hospital where they treated the burns to my hands with some cream and wrapped my hands in plastic bags, however during the medical examination the doctor noticed the pain and swelling I had in my wrists and diagnosed tendonitis and carpal tunnel syndrome.

He prescribed a cocktail of several drugs to be taken 8 times daily to deal not only with the risk of infection, the pain but also the tendonitis and carpal Tunnel syndrome. He also put my hands in what could only be described as surgical wristlet braces which extended up to my elbow.


A couple of days later I was allowed to go to school. I was obviously asked what had happened even though I had a very convincing lie prepared in my head to deal with that eventuality.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered an unknown side effect of the cocktail of drugs I had to have every few hours. I could only tell the truth, I couldnt lie. So I blurted out what had caused the wrist problems and why I had inflicted the burns upon myself.





In memory of ThomasC.

[Lee.]

Originally Posted by Mac Hiavellian

Snowflake the albino gorilla threw its sh!t at me.
A monkey tried to piss on me.
A goose bit my fingers.
I almost died choking on a single Coco Pop. In fact I've probably had a near death experience with every food imaginable, A Muller yogurt just last week.
I've fallen over on ice, in paddling pools, ponds, down stairs.
Cricket ball to the testicles.
Football to the face.
Basketball broke my thumb the week before work experience.
I was at Giraffe and got too distracted watching Felicity Kendall on the table opposite so ended up eating my napkin.
I poured lots of sugar on my bacon butty thinking it was salt.
Vommed all over my mates in a cab.
When I worked at a shop I had to ask people if they wanted any 'Stocking fillers' but instead askled some woman if she wanted 'Focking stillers'.
Lots more...

PMSL! That all made me laugh, give us your "lots more"

[Mac Hiavellian]

Originally Posted by happyland

PMSL! That all made me laugh, give us your "lots more"

Lol, here's a few more of my misfortunes...

I slammed a toilet seat on my penis.
I was blindfolded, walked in to a tree and lost a tooth.
I got my head caught inbetween the steps of a children's slide.
Oh God, I fainted during an assmebly about testicular cancer because I hadn't slept or eaten and when I came round no one would look me in the eye and then everyone kept asking me if I had cancer.
I found a metal hoola hoop with a plastic coating and this girl wanted me to play ring toss with her but instead of warning her it was metal inside I just threw it at her face. The mark could still be seen under her make-up at our leaver's do the next week.
I walked in to a parked car.
A waiter slipped on a bottle and spilt water all down my back.
I was talking to a mate in a crowded room about that Jackass episode about a town called 'Mianus'. We were sat by a computer and I declared loudly; "Look up Mianus!"
When I had an ingrowing toenail I'd always bump it in to things.
I was at a party when someone asked me "If you were held at gunpoint and you had to sleep with any boy or girl from Sixth Form, what would you say?" My response; "I'd say 'Just shoot me'."

That's all I can remember atm, but yeah, every day is a challenge.

[Lee.]

Originally Posted by Mac Hiavellian

Lol, here's a few more of my misfortunes...

I slammed a toilet seat on my penis.
I was blindfolded, walked in to a tree and lost a tooth.
I got my head caught inbetween the steps of a children's slide.
Oh God, I fainted during an assmebly about testicular cancer because I hadn't slept or eaten and when I came round no one would look me in the eye and then everyone kept asking me if I had cancer.
I found a metal hoola hoop with a plastic coating and this girl wanted me to play ring toss with her but instead of warning her it was metal inside I just threw it at her face. The mark could still be seen under her make-up at our leaver's do the next week.
I walked in to a parked car.
A waiter slipped on a bottle and spilt water all down my back.
I was talking to a mate in a crowded room about that Jackass episode about a town called 'Mianus'. We were sat by a computer and I declared loudly; "Look up Mianus!"
When I had an ingrowing toenail I'd always bump it in to things.
I was at a party when someone asked me "If you were held at gunpoint and you had to sleep with any boy or girl from Sixth Form, what would you say?" My response; "I'd say 'Just shoot me'."

That's all I can remember atm, but yeah, every day is a challenge.

PMSL!!

There are so many of your stories I want to know more about!!

[Mystic Mock]

i said shag at my school the once,and i got into loads of trouble.

[Tom]

I was at Morrisons earlier on and forgot where I parked my car. I saw an identical car parked kind of near where I remembered so I went over and I'm stood trying to unlock it assuming the remote locking decided to stop working again and the key still didn't work. So I hit the car and some woman walks over with a pay and display ticket and I just thought wtf, then she asked why I was trying to rob her car and then I suddenly realised ... mine was 2 bays away

Doesn't give me much of an ego boost that I'm driving the same car as some woman whos about 40, although she was quite MILFish in fairness

[Lee.]

Originally Posted by Tom

I was at Morrisons earlier on and forgot where I parked my car. I saw an identical car parked kind of near where I remembered so I went over and I'm stood trying to unlock it assuming the remote locking decided to stop working again and the key still didn't work. So I hit the car and some woman walks over with a pay and display ticket and I just thought wtf, then she asked why I was trying to rob her car and then I suddenly realised ... mine was 2 bays away

Doesn't give me much of an ego boost that I'm driving the same car as some woman whos about 40, although she was quite MILFish in fairness

Haha.. how humiliating. Did she see the funny side?

[LaLaLand]

I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen for a while in a car park in town for a bit when suddenly a bird SH!T on her face and in her mouth (like proper inside her lips on her teeth and everything, dark green it was). This caused me, who saw it in full view, suffering from a hefty hangover to vomit on her feet.

It was disgusting but actually hilarious when you think back!

[Lee.]

Originally Posted by Jonnii

I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen for a while in a car park in town for a bit when suddenly a bird SH!T on her face and in her mouth (like proper inside her lips on her teeth and everything, dark green it was). This caused me, who saw it in full view, suffering from a hefty hangover to vomit on her feet.

It was disgusting but actually hilarious when you think back!

That just gave me the boak!!

[Tom]

Originally Posted by happyland

Haha.. how humiliating. Did she see the funny side?

Well when she was walking back over shouting I kind of realised (you'd have thought the pink fluffy dice and clean inside would have made the penny drop) and I just pointed to my car, she just laughed ...

[Lee.]

Originally Posted by Tom

Well when she was walking back over shouting I kind of realised (you'd have thought the pink fluffy dice and clean inside would have made the penny drop) and I just pointed to my car, she just laughed ...

Haha.. just as well for you that she wasn't a grumpy old bat!

[Jessica.]

Originally Posted by Jonnii

I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen for a while in a car park in town for a bit when suddenly a bird SH!T on her face and in her mouth (like proper inside her lips on her teeth and everything, dark green it was). This caused me, who saw it in full view, suffering from a hefty hangover to vomit on her feet.

It was disgusting but actually hilarious when you think back!

[Josy]

Originally Posted by Karl

i took a **** on a dual carrage way

I don't know why this thread is bumped but FFS Karl

[Benjamin]

[Kyle]

I don't like to think about it but I find the fact that the very first Vagina I clapped my eyes on was my Mums pretty embarrassing.


To be fair though it wasn't my fault there wasn't exactly any other way of getting out....

[Kyle]

You know what else is embarrassing, I wanted to put it in this woman's ear once but she told me to stop. Dented my fragile ego it did.




















joking, sorry Vicky.

[Kate!]

Originally Posted by Josy

I don't know why this thread is bumped but FFS Karl

Karl.... You're so depraved