[Z]

For those of you who don't know - I'm on a year abroad as part of my uni degree, so I'm living in Germany working as a classroom assistant in English lessons. The work is really minimal so we have a lot of spare time to go travelling and so on; I've been really lucky with where I've been placed because there are loads of other assistants here and we all get on really well - fantastic.

There are maybe 10 people from my uni course who are also doing this, and two of them are in the same region as me, about forty minutes away from where I am. Both of them are in my group of friends at uni. Another friend from our uni course is maybe 2 hours away, just in the north of another region so she's not so far away either. With the two who are 40 minutes away; one lives in the city and the other one lives just outside of it - and at uni they probably talk to each other the least out of everyone in our group. The one who lives just outside of the city is a really lovely girl, but she's so introverted and off in her own little world that we actually all get really frustrated with her, whenever you talk to her she always asks you to repeat what you said because she wasn't paying attention and she's essentially just a little girl stuck in a woman's body - she lives at home and is a very family oriented person, so for her to move to another country is quite a big deal, and I think she's very homesick.

However, the four of us were at a training course in early September before we went our separate ways, and she was off in her own world, clearly homesick (kept going off to her laptop whenever we had a break to go Skype with her family) but wouldn't admit it (and it's not like anyone was going to make fun of her for it, none of us were delighted to have left home) and was bringing the mood down with her sadness, the three of us were trying to have a laugh before we went our separate ways and she was ruining it because she was upset/sad/whatever - obviously we weren't doing things without her, but we were wishing she wasn't there so we could have fun instead of being brought back to reality by her sadness.

The point of all of this: last week I went to the city that my friend lives in to hang out with her for a few hours, and we didn't tell the other girl I was going to be there. It was a fairly spontaneous decision - I finished work at lunch time and the girl in the city had the day off so I just hopped on the train (I have a free travel pass, I should mention, that works across the region - so I can go wherever I want, whenever I want) and we hung out. The previous weekend; the two girls had gone to visit the friend who lives 2 hours away for the day; and then they went back to the city but the friend who lives in the city then got the train back to visit our friend who lives 2 hours away and spent the rest of the weekend with her without telling the other girl - because, once again, she was off in her own world (they went to the zoo and she kept wandering off by herself) and made the other two feel awkward because they felt like they were babysitting her, not hanging out with friends. So I went to the city and we didn't tell her because neither of us could be bothered with her. I didn't feel bad about it, but she then found out because I put a couple of pictures up on Facebook and took it badly - posting a passive aggressive Facebook status about how "people can be ***** sometimes" and posting stuff like "I don't fit in anywhere" - should I feel bad for what the three of us have done/not done or do you think it's okay for me to do what I've been doing? Normally I do my best to include everyone and I don't think I'm a nasty person, but I feel as if the circumstances have turned me into a bad person - should I be including her regardless of her attitude when she hangs out with us or should I not care? We're only here for 9 months and I feel like I should be making the most of it, not looking after people who aren't enjoying it as much as I am. I'm feeling a bit confused and would appreciate some input from other people. I hope this all makes sense, I've not used names or locations because I don't want any of my pupils googling me and stumbling across my online activities .

[Jords]

It seems to me youre looking for reassurance about your actions because maybe unconsciously you feel guilty not including her when shes clearly not having a great time.

Pretty difficult situation but have you tried being honest with her and letting her know how you feel? Maybe she doesnt know het attitude is bring the atmosphere down. Try making a big plan including all 4 of you? Like going to a theme park or something where she cant just 'run off' because you have to queue. If youre all friends you should try hard to look out for each other, and if she carries on then sadly you might just have to forget about her until you return or at least tell her 'let us know when youre ready to meet up' so she takes some action and its not just the 3 of you.

[Ammi]

You don't 'need' to feel guilty, you owe her nothing and owe it to yourself to enjoy your opportunities...yet you do feel guilty anyway.....maybe you're not really comfortable with yourself for leaving her out.....People will get p*ssed off with other people's actions all the time, whether they have a right to or not and it's pointless worrying about it because there's nothing you can do...but if you're not comfortable with yourself...maybe you don't think what you did was right........just a thought...

[Z]

I dunno really, I feel like I'm asking for opinions because I don't feel bad and think I should be feeling bad? Or maybe I do feel bad and think I don't, I'm not sure.

I think it'd be pretty awful to say to her that I think she's being a buzz kill, because if she's acting that way due to feeling homesick then that'd only make her feel worse and there's not much I can do to help her out without making an effort to go hang out with her... which isn't something I particularly want to do, because of her attitude. Well there are a couple of others from our group of friends a few hours away and we were thinking of all going to Berlin to hang out at some point before Christmas which would be a nice group get together; and if she was still being weird then, then at least it would be in a larger group of people so it wouldn't bring the mood down as much. The thing is that the three girls went to the zoo (I had other plans) and she still was acting like that - I'm not sure if the four of us doing something together would be any different to that? I just feel a bit weird because on the one hand, we are friends at the end of the day and I'd hate to think she's really upset and that in some way I'm making that worse; but on the other hand we're all on a year abroad, we've all been thrown in at the deep end and it is up to each of us to make the most of it, do I compromise that to cheer up someone who has had the same chances as I have to make herself feel good? Aarrrggh it's been on my mind for the past month, but it's only really annoying me today because she posted that "I don't fit in anywhere" thing on Facebook this morning...

[Jords]

You dont have to directly say shes a buzz kill, that would be awful
Just try talking to her, asking whats up etc. The running away business sounds like shes attention seeking and might have something on her mind and want you lot to confront her. Shes in denial about being home-sick perhaps because she feels embarrassed about it. Try telling her you miss your family and she might feel at ease opening up, having a good cry, hugging it out and you have a fresh start because its all out and it can only go up from there. Get her to make the plans on what yall do 1 day.

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Zee

I dunno really, I feel like I'm asking for opinions because I don't feel bad and think I should be feeling bad? Or maybe I do feel bad and think I don't, I'm not sure.

I think it'd be pretty awful to say to her that I think she's being a buzz kill, because if she's acting that way due to feeling homesick then that'd only make her feel worse and there's not much I can do to help her out without making an effort to go hang out with her... which isn't something I particularly want to do, because of her attitude. Well there are a couple of others from our group of friends a few hours away and we were thinking of all going to Berlin to hang out at some point before Christmas which would be a nice group get together; and if she was still being weird then, then at least it would be in a larger group of people so it wouldn't bring the mood down as much. The thing is that the three girls went to the zoo (I had other plans) and she still was acting like that - I'm not sure if the four of us doing something together would be any different to that? I just feel a bit weird because on the one hand, we are friends at the end of the day and I'd hate to think she's really upset and that in some way I'm making that worse; but on the other hand we're all on a year abroad, we've all been thrown in at the deep end and it is up to each of us to make the most of it, do I compromise that to cheer up someone who has had the same chances as I have to make herself feel good? Aarrrggh it's been on my mind for the past month, but it's only really annoying me today because she posted that "I don't fit in anywhere" thing on Facebook this morning...

..you're not the reason she's upset, and you shouldn't feel that you're making it worse...harsh as it may sound, people are responsible for their own happiness and making the most of their time there..that's what the rest of you are doing. If she can't realise herself, that she's holding herself back and missing out because of her mood..then unfortunately she's going to miss out on the fun..that sounds harsh...but we can't live our lives for other people, especially if they're not people in our own friendship circles. I'm sure she feels bad and left out and that is very sad, but there's only one person that can change that...that's her...Don't feel guilty for just having fun and enjoying your life...the only difference between you and her is you're enjoying your opportunities and making the most of them....she is not...

[Z]

Originally Posted by Jords

You dont have to directly say shes a buzz kill, that would be awful
Just try talking to her, asking whats up etc. The running away business sounds like shes attention seeking and might have something on her mind and want you lot to confront her. Shes in denial about being home-sick perhaps because she feels embarrassed about it. Try telling her you miss your family and she might feel at ease opening up, having a good cry, hugging it out and you have a fresh start because its all out and it can only go up from there. Get her to make the plans on what yall do 1 day.

Those are all good suggestions, thanks Jords! Bit in bold: she's so introverted that she'll never make any plans... out of the group of us at uni, she's the only one who has never introduced her friends from school to the group, she's the only one who hasn't opened up about her family (just the other week we discovered she had another younger sister; and we only found out she had a twin brother last year, and we've known each other for 2 years now) - she's just so unbelievably introverted that it's hard to get her to come out of her shell and I just feel like it's not my responsibility to even try, but I guess 'cause it's on my mind I do feel bad that I'm not trying... but I don't think I should act on that? I dunno, it's really difficult!

And thanks Ammi, I do feel as if I'm being made to feel like I'm an asshole through her passive aggressive updates and the way she's putting herself across to her friends online, but we have to take charge of our own destiny here. Maybe if I wasn't living in a city with lots of other assistants to hang out with I would feel differently, I'm not sure, but I just feel as though I should be making the most of my time here and not really spending much time with my uni friends because it'd feel like a bit of a step backwards... the other two girls are really close friends of mine and I've only seen the one that lives nearby in the past month; the other one I'm not going to see until the end of October and we even lived together in 1st year - it's not like I'm constantly hanging out with them and leaving the other girl out, but I think she feels as if that's what's going on... frustrated!

[Tom4784]

She sounds like she needs to grow up, she should have known what she was getting into when she applied for the course so she had ample time to prepare for it. I'd say give her a little time to settle in and she might be a little bit more bearable to hang around with. She shouldn't expect you to put up with her moods expecially as your placement won't last forever and you want to make the most of it.

If it carries on just tell her to get her act together because she'll only regret not trying to fit in when it's over and she's squandered her time being miserable.

[Jords]

Originally Posted by Zee

Those are all good suggestions, thanks Jords! Bit in bold: she's so introverted that she'll never make any plans... out of the group of us at uni, she's the only one who has never introduced her friends from school to the group, she's the only one who hasn't opened up about her family (just the other week we discovered she had another younger sister; and we only found out she had a twin brother last year, and we've known each other for 2 years now) - she's just so unbelievably introverted that it's hard to get her to come out of her shell and I just feel like it's not my responsibility to even try, but I guess 'cause it's on my mind I do feel bad that I'm not trying... but I don't think I should act on that? I dunno, it's really difficult!

Wow she sounds very introverted, must be hard getting much out of her then. She might be happy just being part of a 'group' even though she doesnt get all that involved much, just that feeling of being part of something is good enough for her.
You could try listing a load of options to do and get her to choose, if she beats around the bush tell her you have all picked something and its her turn as you want to make sure everybody does something they really wanna do on the trip.
Its definitely not your responsibility but when you form bonds you cant help but think it is slightly. Just keep in touch and make sure she is ok from time to time if she refuses to let loose and enjoy herself going out. And when you do organise that big meet up invite her even if she chooses to opt out.

[Shaun]

here's an opinion: you look pretty in red x (yes i didn't read this thread)

[Iceman]

I agree with Shaun.

On Topic you've done nothing wrong, she's ruining your experience of course you wanted some time were you didnt have to look after her. She needs to go home if she cant hack it, youve only been there a short while and I doubt she'll finish the year

[Z]

Originally Posted by Jords

Wow she sounds very introverted, must be hard getting much out of her then. She might be happy just being part of a 'group' even though she doesnt get all that involved much, just that feeling of being part of something is good enough for her.
You could try listing a load of options to do and get her to choose, if she beats around the bush tell her you have all picked something and its her turn as you want to make sure everybody does something they really wanna do on the trip.
Its definitely not your responsibility but when you form bonds you cant help but think it is slightly. Just keep in touch and make sure she is ok from time to time if she refuses to let loose and enjoy herself going out. And when you do organise that big meet up invite her even if she chooses to opt out.

I think that's it, she likes feeling part of a group but doesn't like opening up to people. She's definitely an internet dweller too, usually have a laugh with her over online comics and that sorta thing, but in person she's just off in a daze and never really fully there. I'd kind of compare her to Cassie from generation 1 of Skins, in that sense, the whole spaced out not really in the room sort of persona, other than that they have nothing in common but it's very difficult to get much out of her so she tends to remain in the background when we're all chatting. Yeah I was thinking of going over to the city again in a couple of weeks and arranging to hang out with her for an afternoon just so it doesn't seem like I'm doing things without her, maybe it'll be fun, I feel like I can put myself through a horrible afternoon to put my mind at ease, if worst comes to worst, and ideally she'll be lots of fun and everything will be normal again... do you think that would be the best thing to do? Ahh.

And thank you Shu, I've always wondered xoxox

[MeMyselfAndI]

Don't let her ruin your time in Germany, just tell her kindly that you never invited her, as you felt she needed some of her own time, due to her being homesick or just word it different.

[Beastie]

Maybe she will open up more in a one to one conversation rather than in a group. Mmm I don't know. I say just talk to her and see if she is okay. Try and include in her things. Say to her that you don't like it when she is always in her own world and never listening or contributing much.

Mmm.. but like if she is the type that just wants to "tag along" then let her be. But this means.. keep seeing her now and again but you don't have to invite her EVERYWHERE.

[Z]

I'm gonna send her a message next weekend seeing if she wants to hang out at all (I'm busy all of this week) in the following week thanks for the advice guys!