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splodge0 · 15-10-2002, 04:01 PM

Is This The BEST Joke In The World?

There was this American who worked in a boring office job in Chicago. One day he decided to see Europe and expand his knowledge of the Big Wide World. He only had a bicycle so he shipped it over and loaded it up with provisions.

His journey took in many beautiful countries but he had a hankering to finish in the land made famous by the "Sound of Music". He left Salzburg and made his way up into the mountains and was full of the sounds of the birds and the wind.

He was full of emotion at the beauty of it all when, all of a sudden, he came round a corner into a rock-fall. He hit it at full speed and smashed both himself and his bicycle to smithereens. He laid there half alive and dazed. He could still hear the birds but they seemed to be bluebirds going round his head.

Just then a couple of monks from a nearby monastery appeared. Their concern was obvious as the American was bleeding and his legs stuck out at an odd angle. Dominic took the lead and carefully carried him the mile or so back to the monastery. There the brothers did what they could for him.

After nearly three months the cyclist was fit to travel back to the States, and the dog cart was readied for the following morning.

That night the American was full of mixed emotions about leaving his new found friends and slept fitfully.

Then, at what seemed to be about midnight ( for there were no clocks at the monastery) all hell let loose. The bells rang out. The old stones shook. The ground vibrated. In his drowsy state he fell off the simple litter that had been his bed for all those weeks.

Shaken, he fell back to his dreaming, till, as usual, he was called to the simple porridge breakfast at 5.

As usual he sat next to Dominic and quietly murmured his concerns about the nights events. Dominic shook his head and said in hushed tones that there was no explanation he was allowed to give, as it was something peculiar to their monastery and no-one outside the order was allowed to know the secret.

The American, being grateful for the loving concern shown him, accepted the response, and at daybreak he was returned to civilisation via the dog-cart. From there he returned to his home in Chicago.

Much elevated by his spiritual experience, he decided to leave the humdrum life of the office and went into buying stocks and shares albeit in a small way. After making a measured success of his efforts, he decided to finish the holiday that was interrupted by his accident with his bicycle, the remains of which rest to this day in the bushes in the hills.

He decided to treat himself to a motorbike as he felt he could see more of the country and he so wanted to enjoy the sound and sights of Austrian again.

It was not many days before he took to the hills and it was full of joy that he motored on until he came round a corner, bang into a rockfall.

The new bike hurtled down the ravine and he landed hard against the trees at the side of the road.

It was not long before he came to, to see two brown cloaked figures one of which was Dominic. He was scooped up by the brothers and carried to the monastery, where he was ministered to.

As he recovered he became full of love for the brotherhood and their frugal ways. He grew to feel comfortable in the simple little cell that was to be his hospital for nearly three months.

But all good things come to an end and the following morning he was due to return home to his home.

As he slept he dreamt of what he intended to do with his life. But then, a loud rumbling grew, the bells rang, the stones shook, and his simple litter collapsed. He looked out into the corridor but saw nothing. As quiet resumed, as suddenly as it started, he lay down to fall wondering.

He of course asked Dominic about that night but received the silent response. Sadly he had to be content and later that morning he was seen on his way by the Father and brothers who had rather taken him to their hearts.

On his return home he redoubled his efforts and became a leading trader in the City. He bought himself a nice country home and a car, his first.

But before long his love of Europe and Austria in particular, reared its head. He decided to return and enjoy the blissful green hills and valleys which called to him. He shipped his car, roof-rack and all, across the "pond" and spends many days driving over "field and meadow" as it were, listening to "The Sound of Music" on his tapeplayer.

In a moments inattention, however, he failed to see a rockfall around a corner and hit it full tilt. Total carnage resulted, flinging him out of the car which disappeared down a ravine. Laying in the dust battered and bleeding he found himself looking up into the eyes of Dominic, who glad though he was to see his old friend, feared for his survival. Dominic and Francis, another brother, carried the injured tourist back to the monastery to be ministered and cared for in the same little cell.

After some months the American was fit to leave and the night before he was due to go, he was woken by the most awful bell ringing, shaking and rumbling. The furniture, such as it was collapsed, and the windows and door flew open. Again nothing could be seen down the corridors and the following breakfast time brought no explanation. In some considerable distress he left an almost broken man. The events of the night stayed with him all the way back home.

Not to be beaten by this, he sort strength from the love he had been shown by the brothers and resolved to start his own stockbrokers company. In the months that followed he worked long hours. He always remained honest in his dealings and through his own endeavours became a wealthy man. He always felt that his fate some how came from his time at the monastery.

With this in mind, not withstanding his not being a particularly religious person, he decided to return to see his mentors at the monastery and shipped a beautiful, if pink, convertible Cadillac over to the Austrian capital. From there he made straight for the brothers homely monastery. Wending his way through the beautiful hills, the roof stowed safely away, and some soothing orchestral music playing on the cd player, he finally felt he was at peace and in total harmony with the surrounding scenery.

Sadly, a rockfall almost completely buried the Cadillac. He only survived by throughing himself out just in time, but not before he was hit by a large boulder. As he lay surrounded by the devastation his thoughts were of the monastery and his fear he would never see it again. He passed out........

He came too as he was borne away by two ghostly figures, those of Dominic and Francis. Am I alive or is this heaven he asked himself. But as they arrived in the little cell he realized he was in the hands of a wonderful band of natural healers. And so his wounded frame was tended to and the long convalescence started.

Many weeks passed and his contentment strengthed. He still looked forward to returning to his work, but he knew he would miss these wonderful souls. The evening meal that was to be his last before returning was both joyful and sombre.

It was with confused feelings that he retired to bed. He lay awake, sad that he would be leaving them, when the whole building shook, the bells rang out, dust fell from all the joints in the stonework. The windows and doors fell out. The bed collapsed and the American, himself covered in dust, leapt into the corridor. Looking round, he was at breaking point. He ran to the Father Superior's cell screaming "I must know!" He grabbed the stunned cleric by the collar and lifting him almost off the ground repeated "I must know, I must know!!!!" The Father, perhaps fearing the worst, placated the American as best he could.

Finally, as the man calmed down slightly, the Father saw a way out. He realising that one wrong word might be his last. So he said,

"As it is only the brothers who can know the dreadful truth how can I tell you? "

The man became jittery. The Father thought fast.

"Look," he said. "You have been here four times. Usually for about three months at a time. That means you have been here for, Oh, nearly a year."

Looking at the American's face, the Father spoke quicker and with a stutter.
"Look, lets not be hasty. Suppose I made you an honorary brother. I could tell you then."

"Go on." said the American.

"Well, you would have to promise never to tell anyone."

"Of course I won't." said the American.

wait for it

And do you know, to this day he never has.
:P

Boris · 15-10-2002, 09:29 PM

Sorry splodgeO

I cheated after the 2 nd visit to the monastery and travelled on down to the end HO HO HO !!!!!

Will I ever be forgiven ?

I'll send a bunch of flowers to make up for it....

Amy · 15-10-2002, 09:33 PM

How i miss that joke

NOT!!!

I cheated too

LEE · 15-10-2002, 09:49 PM

Agreed Amy.

It was one of the posts I was not sorry that we had lost.

Thank you so much Splodge dearest for reinstating it for us

You are very lucky you are not coming to the convention - I don't think you'd survive.

Mairi · 16-10-2002, 08:28 PM

Well, I thought it was the best

Aarrgghhhhhhhhh!!!!

joke in the world, Splodge0.

Romantic Old Bird · 16-10-2002, 08:50 PM

It's obvious the Brothers make their living from grateful wayfarers.

On the night before each one leaves, they blast the rock to make sure another mishap befalls someone. He in turn will mend, and reward them. Sort of on a loop.

So there's your answer. Creepy really.

It was a monastery dedicated to St Christopher obviously!