[SNEEZER]

> > Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
> > One turns to the other and says "dam"
> > **********
> > Two peanuts walk into a bar
> > One was a salted.
> > **********
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar.
> > The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> > **********
> > A sandwich walks into a bar.
> > The barman says, "Sorry - we don't serve food in here."
> > **********
> > A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> > **********
> > A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
> > says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
> > **********
> > Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
> > The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
> > **********
> > Two cannibals are eating a clown.
> > One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
> > **********
> > "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." That
> > sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
> > **********
> > Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
> > Dolly:
> > "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
> > "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
> > "It's true, no bull!"
> > **********
> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > **********
> > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
> > One says, "I've lost my electron."
> > The other says, "Are you sure?"
> > The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
> > **********
> > Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.
> > **********
> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
> > cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the
> > vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines
> > his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have
> > to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
> > "No, because he's really heavy"
> > **********
> > Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5
> > people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
> > or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin, or my younger
> > brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
> > **********
> > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> > find any.
> > **********
> > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the
> > steaks are too high."
> > **********
> > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
> > He was pulled in by a strong currant.
> > *********
> > A man walks into doctor's office.
> > "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
> > "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
> > "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a
> > glove."
> > **********
> > What do you call a fish with no eyes?
> > A fsh
> > ********
> > Two fish are in a tank
> > One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

[Nowhere]

lol @ the five penises and Ho Cha Cho

[SiMoN!]

Blonde Jokes
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"



Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue

[SNEEZER]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

************************************************** ********************

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

************************************************** ********************

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

************************************************** ********************

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[abs]

have you heard the joke about the bed? i havn't made it up yet!

[Siouxsie]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah:laug h:

[abs]

i got more but i will post them later, theres loads in me emails...

[Siouxsie]

[abs]

>>>
The 1st Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A married man was having an affair
>
>> > with his secretary.
>
>> > One day they went to her place
>
>> > and made love all afternoon.
>
>> > Exhausted, they fell asleep
>
>> > and woke up at 8 PM.
>
>> > The man hurriedly dressed
>
>> > and told his lover to take his shoes
>
>> > outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
>> > He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
>> > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>
>> > "I can't lie to you," he replied,
>
>> > "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>
>> > We had sex all afternoon."
>
>> > She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
>> > "You lying bastard!
>
>> > You've been playing golf!"
>
>> >
>
>> > The 2nd Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
>
>> > but always talked about having a son.
>
>> > They decided to try one last time
>
>> > for the son they always wanted.
>
>> > The wife got pregnant
>
>> > and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
>> > The joyful father rushed to the nursery
>
>> > to see his new son.
>
>> > He was horrified
>
>> > at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
>> > He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby.
>
>> > Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>
>> > Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>
>> > The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>
>> > "Not this time!"
>
>> >
>
>> > The 3rd Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A mortician was working late one night.
>
>> > He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
>
>> > about to be cremated,
>
>> > and made a startling discovery.
>
>> > Schwartz had the largest private part
>
>> > he had ever seen!
>
>> > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
>
>> > commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
>
>> > with such an impressive private part.
>
>> > It must be saved for posterity."
>
>> > So, he removed it,
>
>> > stuffed it into his briefcase,
>
>> > and took it home
>
>> > "I have something to show
>
>> > you won't believe," he said to his wife,
>
>> > opening his briefcase.
>
>> > "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
>
>> > "Schwartz is dead!"
>
>> >
>
>> > The 4th Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A woman was in bed with her lover
>
>> > when she heard her husband
>
>> > opening the front door.
>
>> > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>
>> > She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>
>> > then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
>> > "Don't move until I tell you,"
>
>> > she said, " pretend you're a statue."
>
>> > "What's this?" the husband inquired
>
>> > as he entered the room.
>
>> > "Oh it's a statue," she replied,
>
>> > "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>
>> > so I got one for us, too."
>
>> > No more was said,
>
>> > not even when they went to bed.
>
>> > Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>
>> > went to the kitchen and returned
>
>> > with a sandwich and a beer.
>
>> > "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
>
>> > I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>
>> > and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>
>> >
>
>> > The 5th Affair
>
>> >
>
>> > A man walked into a cafe,
>
>> > went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
>> > "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
>
>> > "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>
>> > He glanced at the menu and asked:
>
>> > "How much for a nice juicy steak
>
>> > and a bottle of wine?"
>
>> > "A nickel," the barman replied.
>
>> > "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
>
>> > "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>
>> > The bartender replied:
>
>> > "Upstairs, with my wife."
>
>> > The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
>
>> > with your wife?"
>
>> > The bartender replied:
>
>> > "The same thing
>
>> > I'm doing to his business down here."

[abs]

> There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their
> teenage daughters.
>
> The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day &
I

> found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even
know

> she smokes".
>
> The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the

> other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really
> shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
>
> With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry
about.
> I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of
> condoms. I was really shocked.
> I didn't even know she had a willy."

[abs]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count
to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're
blonde."


The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and All the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're
blonde."


The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she


yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36Cs.


"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[abs]

An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on
his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to Britain."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in
France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into
bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[abs]

PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS


A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered?
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK ...

BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.

CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......

IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

WHISKY
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

JACK DANIELS
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

[abs]

The Worst Chat Up Lines Ever...

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a lightswitch away.

Man - Fat Penguin!
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

[abs]

Mexican Wedding


Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man
about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive
and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford
to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night
they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was
undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"

Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am
the only man in the world with one of these."
And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for,
and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual.
When he returned home that evening, Maria was on
the front porch obviously upset about something.

"Pedro, you told me that you were theonly man in
the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the
gardener changing his clothes behind the
shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is
my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave
him one. He is the only other man in the world
with one of those."

Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and
they did their thing again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning and
when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stomping
her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"

"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!

[abs]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
nearly a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and
generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me,
and I always got more than a pleasant view of her firm pert bum. It had to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she lifted her skirt, ripped off her tiny black thong
and threw it down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral of this story? ......

..................................
................................
..............................
...........................
........................
.....................
.................
.............
...........
.........
.......
.....
...
..
.
Always keep your condoms in your car...

[abs]

Why did the blonde burn her ear? The phone rang while she was ironing!

[Teacup]

Why did the 1st monkey fall outta the tree????
Because it was dead!

Why did the 2nd monkey fall outta the tree???
Because the branch snapped!

Why did the 3rd monkey fall outta the tree???
Because he thought it was a game!

************************************************** ***********

I was sat in the pub the other day when 3 blondes walked into the bar!!

Damn fools, you'd a thought 1 of em would have seen it!!

************************************************** *

[abs]

lol