[Romantic Old Bird]

Scene:

A tasteful flat conversion in North London. A young couple wash the dishes together after sharing a light evening meal of Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney Pie, oven chips and baked beans.

Helen: You didn’t mind me just making you that quick dinner, did you Paul love? Only I’m really tired tonight, I dunno why.

Paul: That’s alright babe. I told you it don’t matter. I can eat at lunch times if you like. Go down the pub.

H: Oh, no I don’t want you doing that, love you. I want to look after my Mr Clarke properly, don’t I?

P: You do look after me Helen. You always do.

H: I know.

P: Yeah, well, it’s nice, very nice.

H: Aaah, that’s because you’re so good to me, bless your little cotton socks. You deserve it!

P: And you are a star!

H: I know! Mmmm, well, maybe not a star REALLY. Not now I’m not. Not any more.

P: You are to me H. You always will be.

H: I think you do love me really, don’t you?

P: You know I do.

H: You don’t say it to me much anymore though.

P: Don’t I?

H: Not really, not like before.

P: Well, even if I don’t, I do!

H: No Paul, don’t put the mayonnaise in the cupboard! It goes in the fridge! What did you say you don’t do?

P: I didn’t say I don’t do nothing!

H: You did!

P: What I actually said Helen was that even if I didn’t say it very much, I still do!

H: Still do wha?

P: Still do love you.

H: Right! Aaah, love you!

P: Right!

H: That’s it then. While you’re over there, pass me that nice tub of Haagen Dags, will you Paul love?

P: That’s my ice cream. I thought you were on a diet. Shall I pass you a Mullerlite instead?

H: No you bloody shouldn’t. I want to have some ice cream Paul!

P: Helen, do you really think you should?

H: Course I think I should. Why not? I been good all day.

P: I think you should give it a miss tonight babe

H: You trying to say I look fat?

P: No, that’s not what I’m trying to say at all. But, when we was in Tesco tonight, you said to me “Oh my God, I saw myself on ‘This Morning’ and I look really chunky. Don’t let me have no more ice-cream till I lost some weight”. So I said, “OK, do you mind if I take this for me?”, and you said, “Alright”.

H: Mmmm. I did. You are right there Paul.

P: I know I’m right. So, I’m only saying it because I promised I would look after you.

H: I know

P: So you look after me, and I look after you, and that’s cool.

H: Yeah, I suppose.

P: Right, so it’s settled then. OK?

H: OK Paul.

P: OK then.

H: Paul?

P: Yeah?

H: Can I just come and sit next to you and dip my little spoon into the edge of your big tub? Just a little itt-y bit?

P: Well, alright. If you’re really sure you want to.

H: I’m sure Paul. Now budge over.

P: OK

H: Paul?

P: Yes H.

H: Who do you think is gonna win Fame Academy?

P: Bloody obvious innit. Lemar is so going to walk it.

H: He was good want he? With Lionel Richie.

P: He was amazing.

H: Do you fancy any of them girls Paul?

P: Course not.

H: You do. You liked that Camilla didn’t you?

P: She was talented.

H: And you said she was a lovely looking girl.

P: I won’t lie to you H, I did think she was attractive. Very attractive indeed.

H: And I think you like Marli,

P:I think she’s talented, Yeah? And she is a pretty girl but..

H: She’s not your cup of tea?

P: Exactly!

H: Well, as we all know, that could mean anything coming from you!

P: I really mean it this time Helen. Anyway, I bet I know which one you like!

H: You don’t

P: I bet I do

H: OK then, mister clever clogs, who?

P: I reckon ……Malachi

H: (Sucking her spoon and trying not to smile)Why?

P: Because I think you’ll think he’s cute

H: Well, he is a LITTLE bit……..

P: There you go then! You like other blokes.

H: Not really. I think he’s nice, but he’s not Paul Clarke is he! No one is like my Mr Clarke.

P: Well, maybe. But I can’t sing can I?.

H: You don’t need to sing. You look great when you just sit there.

P: Oh, I’m sure!

H: You do, you look stonking!

P: Mmm.

H: Do I look stonking Paul?

P: Course.

H: ‘Cos I done my nails and my roots and everything for this week

P: Yeah, and you look good.

H: Should do! Paul?

P: What???

H: Nothing

P: Yes there is. What?

H: No, it’s alright. I don’t want to talk to you if you’re grumpy

P: I’m not grumpy

H: Yes you are.

P: Sorry then. I’ll switch the TV off.. It’s finished now anyway. You have my attention. Now, what do you want to say to me?

H: Nothing

P: Yes you do H, you’re sticking out your bottom lip again. Come on, what’s the matter?

H: Well, you know I saw that PJ today?

P: Yeah.

H: He’s not that bad really.

P: No. Maybe not

H: We was talking about everything.

P: I can imagine. What did he have to say? Did he say if they…….?

H: Oh I didn’t ask him THAT Paul! After all, we……

P: ……know exactly what it was like in there!

H: We do, don’t we? No, we was talking about Lee and Sophie.

P: What, they did, did they?

H: I don’t know! I didn’t ask! He wouldn’t know anyway, would he?

P: He might do. Anyway, it’s not important really.

H: No, it’s not.

P: So what was it he said then?

H: Well, what we was talking about was how they’ve got engaged.

P: Yeah? What about it?

H: Well, he asked about you and me.

P: Yeah? What about you and me? Let me guess…..

H: He asked if …

P: We was getting engaged?

H: He did.

P: What did you say?

H: I didn’t say nothing

P: Good, because that’s our business Helen. We don’t need to do nothing like that.

H: What never?

P: No, never.

H: Never EVER?

P: Not my style babe

H: Don’t you NEVER want to marry me then Paul Clarke?

P: Bloody hell, I didn’t say that.

H: You did

P: I said I would never do what Lee did. I would never propose like that.

H: But you might propose?

P: If the time was right. In the right circumstances. But one thing I wouldn’t do Helen. I wouldn’t do it on National TV. But I might do it, when the time is right. Possibly.

H: When is the time right then Paul?

P: I don’t know do I?

H: When will you know then?

P: When it IS right of course!

H: Will I know as well?

P: You might, if it’s you.

H: IF it’s me?

P: Nothing certain in life Helen. You don’t know what might happen.

H: I think I do

P: Well you don’t

H: I know what I would like to happen

P: Yeah, well, let’s just wait and see.

H: You’re horrible sometimes, you are

P: Only when you don’t get your way. That’s when you think I’m horrible.

H: Can I have some more ice cream Paul? You’re hogging all of that to yourself

P: You sure you want to? You’ll regret it. You need to be careful……

H: Well you’re careful enough for BOTH of us I think. You’re too bloody careful

P; No, I am sensible.

H: You wasn’t sensible on holiday. When you went diving.

P: I was.

H: You made yourself poorly

P: Helen, I keep telling you, I just got up too quickly

H: You nearly drowned yourself, that’s what you did. You didn’t listen

P: Helen, I was with the instructor, and he knows what he’s doing

H: No he doesn’t. You was gone so long, and I couldn’t see your snorkel or nothing.

P: You couldn’t see my snorkel Helen, because I didn’t have one.

H: You must have

P: I told you before, I didn’t have one because we was SCUBA diving!

H: Well, I couldn’t see your scuba either!

P: Bloody hell! What are you like! You don’t see it, it’s diving, that means UNDER the water, you silly woman.

H: I was really scared Paul

P: I know you were babe, but you shouldn’t have been.

H: I was, because, even though you can be horrible sometimes……….

P: Yeah?

H: AND you have made me live in sin with you!

P: Well, I wouldn’t put it QUITE like that.

H: You have. Your Gran said that to me.

P: Well, exactly. That’s what Grans think like. You shouldn’t worry about that. It’s the millennium. We co-habit. You’re my girlfriend, I’m your boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that.

H: Nothing wrong with a bit of sin either I suppose!

P: I quite like it, I must admit!

H: Well, anyway, even if you DO make me co habit with you...

P: Yeah?

H: I still love you.

P: Aaaah, that's nice helen. We're alright as we are, aren't we?

H: I suppose. (Sighs heavily)
I think I’m going to have an early night Paul

P: Yeah, I'm tired as well. You go, and I’ll be there in a minute.

H: Do you want some cocoa love?

P: That would be nice

H: Nice and chocolatey?

P: Ok H, sounds good.

H: Lush! I’ll take it through to the bedroom shall I?

P: Yeah.

H: (Shouts from bedroom) Paul! You coming to bed?

P: Yes, on my way now.

H: Bring that can of cream with you will you?

P: Cream? You think you should? I think it will be better without it.

H: Paul Clarke, just bring the cream!

P: Alright, I’m bringing it. Keep your hair on!

Paul arrives in the bedroom

H: Well, where is it?

P: Here of course.

H: Paul!!

P: What? What did I do now?

H: THAT ‘s not a can. That’s a tin!

P: Well it’s got cream in it, what does it matter? I’ve opened it. Here, let me pour some in your cocoa for you.

H: I don’t want that sort, I want the other sort.

P: I don’t know what you mean Helen. What sort?

H: The sort that you can squidge all over your…..cocoa

P: Oh, right. Does it taste nicer then?

H: Well, no, but……

P: What’s your problem then?

H: Nothing

P: That’s alright then, because I thought we could find something better to do with this…..




H: Paul?

P: Yeah?

H: I like sinning, I do!