[Kate!]

Here, have a laugh at these.

---------------------------

The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up.

"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.

"No," I replied. "Do you?"

------------------------

Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and the wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa."

He replied, "Do they have to eat this ****e too?"

--------------------------------------------------------

My mate was taking the piss out of me for believing anything he told me and said if I looked in the dictionary under gullible there'd be a picture of me,

He's not such a clever ****er as I checked and he's totally wrong about that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

-------------------------------------------

A woman walks up to her husband one day and says, "Tim, you're a ****. I think you're a ****, our friends think you're a ****, everyone we've ever met thinks you're a complete and utter ****. If there was a biggest **** in the world competition, you would come second."

Tim asks, "Why only second?"

The wife replies, "Because you're a ****."

----------------------------------------

The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier.

"Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you."

She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me.

"Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there." I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen."

"I'm a nun, you ****."

---------------------

This punk sits down on a bench, next to an old man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares for a long time at the punks multicoloured Mohawk.

The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man replied "Yes, I once got pissed and ****ed a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son?"

------------------------------

Was at work and this young lady swaggered up to me at the bar. She gave me a wink and a smile.

"What can I do for you?" I asked her.

"Do you have any cheap shots?" she asked me, flirtatiously.

"Yeah," I replied, "That dress makes your arse look huge."

-------------------------------------------------------

So Neil Morrissey is £2.5million in debt, turns out Bob the Builder is a cowboy. Fix that you smug git.

---------------------

David is sitting in a pub when he notices an extremely drunk man. They make eye contact and the drunk man shouts "What the **** are you looking at?". David says "Alright mate calm down, I wasn't looking at anything". Whilst gesturing to his penis, the drunk man then shouts " Do you want to suck my big fat sausage?". David then replies "I would, but I'm actually a vegetarian. However, I do eat fish. So should I give your Mum a call?"

-------------------------------------------------------

Me and the wife were in marriage guidance recently, the councillor asked what the problem was:

"It's probably because I'm so hypocritical" I said.

"You mean you do things that you won't let your wife do?" he asked.

"No, I'm critical of my wife" I said, "who's a hippo."

-------------------------------------------------

During yet another argument over my premature ejaculation, my wife screamed

"You're like a ****ing Smith and Wesson...... "

"Well known for having a hair-trigger."

"Oh yeah?" I replied,

"Well you're like a Magnum...... "

"Well known for having a moustache."

------------------------------------

Yuri Geller claims he can read people's minds.

It's not that impressive when everyone thinks you're a ****.

[Samm]

Originally Posted by *Kate*

Here, have a laugh at these.

---------------------------

The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up.

"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.

"No," I replied. "Do you?"

------------------------

Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and the wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa."

He replied, "Do they have to eat this ****e too?"

--------------------------------------------------------

My mate was taking the piss out of me for believing anything he told me and said if I looked in the dictionary under gullible there'd be a picture of me,

He's not such a clever ****er as I checked and he's totally wrong about that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

-------------------------------------------

A woman walks up to her husband one day and says, "Tim, you're a ****. I think you're a ****, our friends think you're a ****, everyone we've ever met thinks you're a complete and utter ****. If there was a biggest **** in the world competition, you would come second."

Tim asks, "Why only second?"

The wife replies, "Because you're a ****."

----------------------------------------

The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier.

"Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you."

She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me.

"Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there." I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen."

"I'm a nun, you ****."

---------------------

This punk sits down on a bench, next to an old man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares for a long time at the punks multicoloured Mohawk.

The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man replied "Yes, I once got pissed and ****ed a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son?"

------------------------------

Was at work and this young lady swaggered up to me at the bar. She gave me a wink and a smile.

"What can I do for you?" I asked her.

"Do you have any cheap shots?" she asked me, flirtatiously.

"Yeah," I replied, "That dress makes your arse look huge."

-------------------------------------------------------

So Neil Morrissey is £2.5million in debt, turns out Bob the Builder is a cowboy. Fix that you smug git.

---------------------

David is sitting in a pub when he notices an extremely drunk man. They make eye contact and the drunk man shouts "What the **** are you looking at?". David says "Alright mate calm down, I wasn't looking at anything". Whilst gesturing to his penis, the drunk man then shouts " Do you want to suck my big fat sausage?". David then replies "I would, but I'm actually a vegetarian. However, I do eat fish. So should I give your Mum a call?"

-------------------------------------------------------

Me and the wife were in marriage guidance recently, the councillor asked what the problem was:

"It's probably because I'm so hypocritical" I said.

"You mean you do things that you won't let your wife do?" he asked.

"No, I'm critical of my wife" I said, "who's a hippo."

-------------------------------------------------

During yet another argument over my premature ejaculation, my wife screamed

"You're like a ****ing Smith and Wesson...... "

"Well known for having a hair-trigger."

"Oh yeah?" I replied,

"Well you're like a Magnum...... "

"Well known for having a moustache."

------------------------------------

Yuri Geller claims he can read people's minds.

It's not that impressive when everyone thinks you're a ****.