[Z]

It's that time again, Z has an embarrassing story to share with you all. Settle down, relax, maybe get a biscuit and a cup of your dunking beverage of choice. Mine's a glass of milk and some custard creams if anyone's buying.

Get up at 5.30am for work. Leave the house at 6.20am, arrive at 7.20am, fairly early but you can never be too sure how bad traffic is going to be leaving the city to head north because the airport's that way and so are a lot of major industrial estates. Put on my PPE and am wandering up and down the quayside waiting for the cargo superintendent to appear so I can get information from him to report back to my office and before I go on board the vessel.

Get info off him, get on board the ship and see the chief officer who takes me up to the bridge and offers me a coffee. It's like 8am, of course I accept. We wait for the captain, chatting away and having a laugh, offers me a second coffee, captain eventually appears and the three of us are chatting away. Then the cook appears with cake, by which point I've finished coffee #2, so I have a third one with my cake and chat a bit more and then I leave the ship to go do other things.

I start driving over to the office and start needing to pee quite badly. 3 coffees, remember. I get there and am fumbling with the front door, get in, run up the stairs and see the toilet but it's locked so I'm fumbling with the toilet key and it just plain doesn't work. I'm getting desperate. Suddenly, I can't hold on anymore. Yes, I, Z, he who just yesterday posted about how he used to wet the bed, pissed myself outside the toilet in a very quiet unit of mostly empty offices. The shame is unreal. My jeans are soaked. My pants, socks and shoes are soaked. There is a puddle on the linoleum floor. I can feel the urge to die rising. Panicked, I try and mop it with my feet which doesn't really change the fact I just pissed myself and have now caused The Great Flood of The North on the first floor of this lonely outpost on the Scottish coast.

I shuffle through to where our office unit is (it's just a room with some technology in it for printing/connecting to the internet basically, nobody there) and lock the door behind me. I still really need to pee, I didn't totally lose control but I have things to do. I unpack the laptop and connect it up and then my colleague calls me to ask if I can go back over to the ship for something. Obviously I can't, I have just pissed my pants. I say I'll be at least half an hour because I've just got to the office. Apparently that's fine. I go to turn on the router and suddenly the fire alarm goes off. ****.

I grab my jacket and hold it in front of my jeans as I leave the building and go to the fire assembly point. There are 5 people there who work at the other end of the building. I make polite chat. My entire lower half is soaking wet and I'm concerned I smell of pee, because, you know, I just peed myself and I hope to God none of them exited the way I did because if so then they will have seen the puddle. I mean it's not gigantic, it could feasibly have been somebody spilling some water, except it's not, it's my pee. The alarm eventually goes off and we can return to the building. It's now 11.30am. I have to be back at the ship for 12 so I can get some information to call and tell my colleagues. I shuffle back inside holding my jacket in front of me to lock the office and then shuffle back to my car and have to now sit in my pissy jeans, in my car.

I can't go to the ship like this. I still need to pee. I divert into the town centre. It's a very small town. I'm in luck! There's a parking square and it has public toilets! Brilliant! I park, run over to the pay and display and pay 60p to park (3x 20p) and then shuffle over to the public toilet. You have to pay 20p to use it. I have no change left. **** my life. I run back to go find a shop I can spend my fiver in to get more change. I buy a bottle of water. The irony is not lost on me. Damn you, liquid ! I run back to the toilets, confident that I have 10p and two 5ps and can now finally pee in a toilet and can maybe use a hand dryer on my jeans and shoes to try and disguise my shame. Oh no, the public toilet only takes an actual 20p piece. It won't take anything else. My pound coins and my small change are useless here. It's now 11.45am. I have to go to the ship.

I drive over and by this point I am ready to have Wet War II in my pants, in my car. I'm now screaming blue murder at this point as I drive down to the quay. The security guy is a time wasting arsehole as usual. I park, then I have to put my PPE on (hard hat, hi-vis and boots) to go onto the quay to find the cargo superintendent to find out how much has been loaded. I get the number and run to the car to call into the office and tell them. My boss then tries to tell me that I have to go and do something else before lunch but I cut him off and say IHAVETOPEERIGHTNOWI'LLCALLYOUBACK and race out of the base. There is a McDonald's dead ahead at the roundabout. It's my last hope. My bladder is crying for its mother. I park and sprint into the McDonald's, not even pretending to look like I'm thinking about buying something and drop trou faster than a slut at an orgy. Sweet, sweet relief!

I finish peeing, minutes(!) later, wash my hands and then set about trying to dry my jeans under the hand dryer. My feet, by this point, are cold and wet. It's gross. Somebody walks in, I panic and leave. I am still cold and wet from my pathetic bladder's weak will. I make my way up to the supermarket to buy lunch (use their toilet) but I only get an hour for lunch and by this point I've already wasted 15 minutes so I go and get my lunch first. It's a Morrison's supermarket. I don't know if I just couldn't find it but to my knowledge there was no aisle for lunch items, so I went to the cafe and had the most miserable sandwich in the world at a table by myself, sitting in my cold, pissy jeans. At this point I consider suicide but realise that would just make more mess and when they do the post mortem they'll find out I wet myself. No one can ever know (apart from all of you guys but you don't count) about what I did. This is too shameful. I consider changing into my waterproof trousers but I'd still be wearing my pants, socks and shoes and I don't want to put on clean clothes at a time like this. I finish eating my sandwich (which tastes how I imagine the evidence/puddle I left at the scene of the crime tastes) and make my way to the toilet.

I pee again, because I'm not an idiot, I had a little bit of water with my lunch and I am not taking chances again. I manage to get my jeans under the dryer for a while and then take one of my shoes and socks off to start drying them under the dryer. Okay, it's a little unusual but people do that if they've stood in a puddle or it's been raining or they're a two year old little boy in the body of a 22 year old and have pissed themselves recently. A man walks in as I am holding my shoe under the dryer. Casually, I put my sock back in. He leaves without washing his hands. That's well unhygienic, I think, as I hold my piss covered shoe under the public hand dryer. I put it back on, it's luke warm, marginally better than cold and sopping wet; and am about to do the other foot when another guy comes in. I panic and leave.

I go back to my car, one foot cold and saturated with my mistake; the other luke warm and marinaded in the memory of my mistake; and call my office to speak to my manager and find out what he wanted. I complain that the key to the bathroom doesn't work, he says "ah you must have been given the wrong set of keys, sorry about that, we'll get them to you before you go back up the road tomorrow." Aye, cheers buddy. I go back to the ship, and another ship, to do some work (my jeans are still a bit damp but the wet patches aren't obvious anymore) and then eventually head back to the office. The puddle is still there. I have nothing to mop it up with. I go into the office, lock the door and finally get back to doing the work on the laptop that I was meant to do at 11am. I have to sit at the desk in my damp jeans, slightly dried/still wet shoes, becoming very aware of the smell of drying piss that is now filling the tiny room. I decide that I hate myself. I decide not to tell anyone about this. I decide to tell all of you guys.

I pissed my pants today. I am a loser. Fin.