[Romantic Old Bird]

Apols if you have heard it before but.....

Alex Ferguson is worried about the off-form play of his star player, and the recent adverse press reports about his relationship with him.

The championship race is too close for any mistakes, and he realises something has to be done. Time for the pep talk.

He calls Beckham into his office:

"David", he says, "I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were a disgrace, blo*dy hopeless, and completely off-form."

"Sorry boss," says David. "You are right, I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home."

"Oh dear" says Fergie, "I am very sorry to hear that, very sorry indeed. What's the matter son? Posh & the kids are all OK I hope?"


"Yeh, yeh, they're all fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my game and it's really messing me head up."

"Why, whatever's the matter? Listen son, I know we've had our differences, but I like to think all my players can come to me in times of trouble. Think of me as a father figure. Nothing is that bad, come on now, spit it out!" says Fergie

"Well boss, it's pretty serious. Victoria bought me this jigsaw puzzle the other day and I can't do it........."

"A JIGSAW??" shouts Sir Alex. "You're playing sh*t because of a jigsaw?"

"Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in! My Victoria, she buys me this stuff to help me improve my mind. She says that a healthy mind is a healthy body, you see.

"Of course," said Fergie. " Very true".

"Well," Becks continued, "She says to me:
'David, I've brought you this to help you with your game'. That's lovely of her isn't it?"

"Oh aye, aye, very nice, very commendable, I am sure." said Sir Alex, trying to be patient.

"Well, I just daren't tell her I can't do it, so I've hidden it, and I keep trying to do it and I just can't," says David. "It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything because I've been really careful, but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and........"

"David, David, David" says Fergie, sighing and shaking his head in disbelief, "You better get a grip son, and quick."

"OK boss, but............. It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I ....JUST .......CAN'T.......DO.......IT......it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and and and ........."

By this stage, Becks is obviously distraught. He has tears in his eyes, his coiffured hair is askew and Fergie watches in horror as he wipes his nose up the sleeve of his designer shirt.

"OK, OK" says Sir Alex, visibly softening. " You're a mess, son. Now go home, sort yoursel' out, bring in the blo*dy jigsaw tomorrow morning. We'll have a look at it together, shall we? It can't be that difficult"

"Oh, thanks boss," says David. "You don't know how much that means to me."

"Away you go", said Fergie. "Dear, dear, dear."


So first thing the next morning Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergie's office.

"Here you are then, let's see it. We'll have it cracked in no time at all. I used to be quite good at these if I say so mysel'," said Sir Alex.

"Here it is boss" he says, opening up his designer sports bag, and lifting out the box.

"Look boss, see, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's
doing my head in and everything.."


Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergie's leather-topped topped desk.

Sir Alex looks at what's on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham...........






(Trust me, it's worth it)






"Put the bloody Frosties back in the box David, and get on the ****ing pitch!"