[*mazedsalv**]

Pretty accurate reading

1. Tiffany Pollard will announce herself Head Bitch In Charge as she walks down the stairs. No-one will know who she is.

2. Danniella Westbrook's "emotional support" Christopher Maloney will break down in tears.

3. Christopher will talk about his Nan

4. And Danniella and Christopher will have a huge row when he mentions her tweet suggesting that he isn't her emotional support at all…

5. David Gest will announce that he does not want to talk about his marriage to Liza Minnelli before not shutting up about his marriage to Liza Minnelli.

6. Angie Bowie will announce that she does not want to talk about her marriage to David Bowie before not shutting up about her marriage to David Bowie.

7. Jonathan Cheban will announce that he does not want to talk about his bestie Kim Kardashian before… oh, you get where we're going with this.

8. Sacked Stephanie Davis and axed Danniella Westbrook will bond by bitching about the Hollyoaks producers.

9. Darren Day will try to get involved by pointing out that he was killed off, but they'll shun him because he was only ever on a short contract so he doesn't really get it.

10. Scotty T, Megan McKenna, Darren Day and Angie Bowie will get entangled in a confusing love quadrangle. Megan will end up throwing something.

11. Former UKIP candidate Winston McKenzie will get an official warning for saying something offensive. Then another. Then a FINAL WARNING, promise. And then another.

12. John Partridge will recreate this incredible shoot for Attitude magazine. With David Gest.

13. Someone will channel Kourtney Kardashian and slap Jonathan Cheban.

14. Gemma Collins will complain that she wants to leave because there are no Quavers or ham sandwiches on the shopping list.

15. Someone will 'do a Denise Welch' and get into the hot tub topless.

16. Someone else will do a 'Julie Goodyear'. Crikey.

17. David Gest will accidentally get undressed in front of everyone a la Gary Busey.

18. Scotty T and Megan McKenna will start talking about the fact that they're on the new series of Ex On The Beach together - and will get cut off by birdsong.

19. Someone will suggest that Jeremy McConnell is a Chantelle-esque mole because no-one's heard of him. He'll respond by mentioning that time he flirted with Scarlett Moffatt off Gogglebox on telly.

20. Tiffany will spark a blazing row by refusing to take part in Kristina Rihanoff's dance class in the back garden.

21. Angie Bowie and Nancy Dell'Olio will form a union to protest when Big Brother refuses to hand over their suitcases.

22. Face-to-face nominations will result in two people crying, one person refusing to leave the Diary Room in outrage, and someone announcing: "I just tell it like it is."

23. Scotty T will get proper mortal, whip his parsnip out and pass out on the kitchen floor.

24. Angie Bowie, David Gest and Gemma Collins will get the kettle on - and we'll sit there, silently wondering why the hell we're watching Angie Bowie, David Gest and Gemma Collins having a cuppa.