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Lita_Fan_WWE · 01-02-2007, 01:46 PM

Jade in Heat
For anyone who's interested and doesn't want to buy the magazine...

"I know my time in the public eye is up. I also know it's all my fault."

She was evicted from Celebrity Big Brother admid a fierce public outcry. Now Jade Goody talks to heat.

A car pulls up outside Holborn Studios in north London. In the driver's seat is a security guard with an earpiece. In the passenger seat - nervously looking down at her lap - is Jade Goody. As she gets out of the car, she fiddles with the scarf she's wearing, pulling it up to cover her mouth. She approaches heat and says a quiet "hello". Her security guard shakes our hand warmly. As we lead them through the reception area, Jade stares at the floor, not daring to look up at the huddle of people watching her pass. Visibly thinner - she's lost over half a stone since she left the Celebrity Big Brother house - Jade cuts a very different figure to the girl we've met so many times before. Her security guard asks if she wants some food. She shakes her head. "You have to eat something," he implores. She says she's not hungry. heat overhears him telling her agent that it's been a struggle to get her to eat over the last week. Jade tells us she's worried about the picture for our shoot. She doesn't want people to think she's posing, or that she's asked to have her photograph taken.

Over the past five years, lots of you have been fascinated by Jade. We've followed her life, from boyfriends and babies to boob jobs and TV shows. Now she's back in the public eye again for very different reasons.

During the last week, she's been grilled by a Sunday newspaper and taken to task on several national TV shows - but there's so much more that we want to speak to her about. She says she's not a racist and is disgusted by her behaviour towards Shilpa Shetty. But what was it about Shilpa that she hated so much?

"I wasn't jealous of her, but we didn't click. I thought she was controlling. But I know that doesn't make her a bad person. There's no excusing my behaviour." Why was she so full of hatred and such a bully? "I never meant to be so nasty," she says, "I never realised I argue like that. I was vile and cruel. I will honestly do everything I can to make sure I never behave like that again. I am so sorry I've upset so many people. Especially Shilpa's family."

Jade is not being paid for this interview - she doesn't want money and she doesn't want people to feel sorry for her. She doesn't really want to be here at all.

Here's what the last week of Jade's life has been like: she has been staying in a different hotel room every other night, she's had 24-hour security, she can't answer her phone for fear people will know where she is, she can't order her own food, she can't go anywhere alone. She is too scared to go back to her house because her window has been smashed and hate mail has been posted through her door. She's been driving herself mad reading every newspaper she can lay her hands on, she can't sleep, she can't stop crying and she's thought about ending her life. She is not telling heat this to get our sympathy: she's telling us because this is what her life is like now. And, it may be like this for a long time yet.

Jade was due to be in India today - she waned to show the people of India that she's sorry for any offence she's caused - but she can't go yet because her visa application hasn't been accepted. When (and if) it is, she still plans to visit. But contrary to reports, she won't be taking a TV crew. "I'm not going for publicity," she says, "I just want to go."

Despite attempts to hold herself together, Jade breaks down - something uncontrollably - at several points throughout the interview. Her conversation wavers from talking so fast it's like she's in a rush to get the words out, to speaking so softly we can hardly hear her. Most of the time she looks at the ground, unable to look heat in the eye.

What have you got to say to the heat readers?
For the readers that have bought this magazine - and I'm sure there are lots who haven't because I'm in it - your opinions of me may have changed, and I understand why. I'm sorry if I've disappointed people. And for anyone who thinks my actions were all right - they weren't.
What is life like for you now?
I can't get myself out of this bubble. I can't sleep. I find myself either sobbing or being numb... empty. I don't know how I feel. I feel bad to smile, I feel bad to put make-up on. If I say something, I don't know if people are going to say it's wrong. I don't know what to say... except sorry.
Have you read what's been written about you?
I've never watched the news in my life, but I can't turn it off now. I've been reading papers - people's columns, letters: I can't stop. [Tears well up.] But now what's important to me are my kids and my mum. And I've put everyone in danger. I feel responsible for so many people and I can't deal with it.
You've been in hiding. Where?
I've been moving from hotel to hotel.
That surprises us. It was made to sound as though you were in some kind of panic room.
No. But I've gone in the back door each time, and I've had to move every couple of days in case people find out where I am.
How secure has it been?
I've got a security guard with me.
Twenty-four hours a day?
[Nods solemnly.] He sleeps in a room next door. I can't answer the phone and he won't let me order my own food. I have to ask for everything.
You did quite a few TV interviews. Do you think that was wise?
It would have been easy for me to sit in a hotel room and not face my problems. But I wanted to let people know I was sorry and that I'm not a racist. I know people are thinking it's a publicity thing, but it's not.
What's been your lowest point?
Last Monday... [Starts welling up.] I'm sorry... [Sobbing.] After my interview on This Morning. It killed me [sobs] because Fern and Phillip were questioning my mothering skills [sobs] and I know I was a nasty person, but I'm a good mum. [Can't speaking, sobs and puts her head in her hands.] Afterwards, in the dressing room, I kept thinking, "I'm to blame. I put my family and my mum at risk." I thought, "I don't want to be here. Maybe the best thing for my kids would be to stay with their dad."
Was anyone with you?
Yes, they sent the This Morning psychiatrist to see me because the producers were worried. She said I shouldn't see my kids yet, that I wasn't stable enough...
Your agent released a statement saying you were receiving medical attention for shock and depression...
I'm not on depression pills - I don't want to be on them - but I have seen a doctor. I didn't ask to see one, but my agent was worried about me. I was given tablets because I hadn't slept for three days.
Did you feel suicidal?
[Starts sobbing uncontrollably.] I thought maybe I should just disappear. That it would be better for everyone if I just wasn't here.
Have you been eating?
[Shakes her head.] I haven't got an appetite. My security guy keeps telling me I need to eat. The other day he made me choose something from room service. I'm so ****ing thick, I ordered a chicken tikka masala. Then, when I got it I couldn't eat it. But I was too scared to leave it on my plate. [Starts sobbing.] I didn't want anyone to think I didn't like Indian food...
Have you been home?
I went to my house to get some clothes, I went early in the morning because I didn't want anyone to see me and... [sobbing] it was so awful... My window had been smashed. Someone had thrown something at it. I've got double glazing, so it only went through the first bit, but it had shattered.
You didn't see your kids until four days after you left the house. Why was that?
[Looks down.] I couldn't. It was the longest I'd ever been away from them. But I didn't want them to see me in that state. My Bobby is a mummy's boy and he knows when something's not right. He even knows when I've got women's problems - he'll tell me I need a cup of tea and pat my tummy. He knows when I'm upset and I was not going to put my children through that.
Where did they think you were?
Jeff told them I was on holiday - because they knew I wasn't on the TV any more. [Her voice breaks into a sob.] Jeff said Freddy was always waving at the telly when he saw me...
Did they see your argument?
[Shakes her head.] I know Jeff wouldn't have let them.
Did you think about them when you were shouting at Shilpa?
[Tears start building up again.] No. I didn't. Not because I'm selfish, but because I don't think. That's my problem. If I had thought about my actions, I wouldn't be here now.
What has Jeff said to you?
Nothing. What can he say? He can't say, "Your actions were right" because they weren't. He hasn't got involved. He knows I've got to deal with it. His only concern is that the kids are OK.
You first saw your kids last Tuesday - what did you say to them?
Bobby didn't understand why I couldn't just take him home. I told him the window cleaner had smashed the window by accident and it was too cold in the house to go back yet. He said, "But we've got heating, Mummy..."
When do you think you'll see them again?
Tonight, then tomorrow... I want to have them with me all the time as soon as possible. I've been moving from hotel to hotel - it's not fair to make them stay in a cramped room with me. I need to find somewhere more permanent so I can get all their toys.
Will you move back home?
I can't go back there. I'm too scared. I'm scared to walk down the street, I'm scared to go home, I'm scared for my mum, for my grandparents. [Starts crying.] My grandad's been getting phone calls... [Trails off and sobs.]
What phone calls?
He won't tell me. He doesn't want me to get upset. But I know they were bad.
What kind of things have the public said to you?
I've had hate mail posted through my letterbox at home. My neighbour's been going through my post because she didn't want me to see anything nasty. She said there were two that stood out the most...
What did they say?
All she said was, "These people are vile, Jade. The words they've used are disgusting." Death threats I guess.
Have you looked on any websites?
My friends said they've seen some horrible things written, but I can't face looking. One said they're going to beat me up, another said if they ever see me out they'll glass me. It's frightening. I don't ever want to go outside again.
How has this affected your mum?
She phoned me the other day, crying. Her fence got battered because of the wind, then some people came and kicked it down. People were banging on her bedroom window and shouting things at three in the morning. She was petrified. And she's also had phone calls... [Starts sobbing again.]
What did they say?
She said they were screaming abuse, but she wouldn't tell me what. One of them forgot to withhold their number, so the police have it now.
What have the police said to you?
They told me they're in fear for my life. They advised me now to stay in the house, they've offered to fit an alarm and they've been monitoring my house every day since I've been out. They said they only left once, and as soon as they did, my window got smashed... which means people have been watching my house.
What do you think the future holds for you and Jack?
My head's all over the place. [Tears start welling up again.] I don't know what to think. I love him... but all last week I was driving myself mad watching him in the house...
Do you think Danielle was flirting with him?
The sane side of me knows there was nothing going on, but I couldn't stop watching the live streaming, just in case. I kept winding myself up thinking, "What if?" Whenever the camera wasn't on them, I would panic and think, "What are they doing?" [Starts sobbing again.]
How bad is your temper, other than what we saw in the Celebrity Big Brother house?
I have got a nasty anger in me. It disgusts me. I've argued like that with my best friends - and until now I didn't realise how bad it was. They always used to tell me to calm down. I would have argued with anyone the way I shouted at Shilpa. It wasn't because of the colour of her skin. I wouldn't say I'm a racist - I know it came across like that, but I honestly didn't mean it.
Are you a bully?
I'm not a bully. I would never intentionally pick on someone and knock them down. But I behaved like a bully. I did.
Do you think that people are scared of you?
I don't want people to feel scared or intimidated by me. But seeing me, seeing what I was like, I can understand why.
What are you going to do to control your anger?
I've got to get help. I know that. People are saying, "You only want to get anger management for a publicity stunt", but I'm not going to go there with any cameras on me. It's a private thing. I have to go so that my children don't grow up to be like me.
How is your mum planning to move forward?
She knows she needs to address her issues. I said to her that she needs to realise that some of things she says come across as racist. But whatever she does will be in private.
Do you think your time is up in the public eye?
Yes. And it's my fault. But it doesn't matter. At this point in my life, it is the least of my worries. All I want is for me and my kids and my mum to be OK. If I have to stack shelves for the rest of my life, that's fine. But I just want a safe house. [Starts welling up again.] I don't want my kids to be in danger...

Our interview is over. However, heat decides to stick around to see Jade face another challenge - a crew from CNN India is here, and Jade has agreed to answer all their questions.

A female Asian reporter greets Jade with a warm smile and chats briefly about what she wants to talk about. Jade is asked to stand against a wall and the camera rolls. The tone of the questions is not accusatory - they are balanced and fair. Jade is asked why, when there are fears for her security, she wants to face the Indian nation. She is also asked why she disliked Shilpa so much. And she's asked whether she thinks she's been made a scapegoat by the British public.

The interview lasts for 15 minutes. At the end of the chat, the reporter smiles and tells Jade to call her when she visits India as she'll be happy to help her out. Reconciliation and forgiveness are in the air. But what about you? Can you forgive her?

well i thought id get it all for you people to read

i know its rather long hehehe