[lily.]

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry b@stard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.