[Romantic Old Bird]

Helen pops the question

H: Paul!

P: H?

H: Did you like that Macarena I made you tonight?

P: It was Ber-linding!

H: And did you like those pancakes I made you?

P: Mate, they were pancake-tastic!

H: Were they fan-bloody-tastic?

P: There were possibly the best thing I have ever eaten!

H: Don't I take good care of you Paul Clarke?

P: You certainly do!

H: Am I the ideal girl of your dreams?

P: No!

H: Mr Clarke!

P: Yeah, yeah you are.

H: And do you think I'm super, lovely smashing?

P: Babe you are just incredible.

H: You've said on national TV that you are in love with me!

P: Yeah, and I am!

H: So what do you love most about me then?

P: You make me laugh!

H: Why?

P: Cos you do.

H: Is that all! Don't you think I'm beautiful?

P: Course I do!

H: And what else do you love about me?

P: You are completely mad!

H: Isn't there anything else? There must be something about me that you like more than anything..

P: Well, you're so much like me it's, like, really scary!

H: Mayonnaise and Chips Paul?

P: Coleslaw sandwiches mate!

H: We are just exactly the same aren't we Paul?

P: It's really weird!

H: So, will we get married then?

P: Yeah, well, when you put it like that - alright then!

H: Oooh, Paul Clarke!

P: Yeah?

H: Love you!

P: Yeah, you should do!

H: And I do do!

P: You are getting ahead of yourself now H.

H: Am I? Why?

P: You only say 'I do' when we get married

H: What do you do then?

P: I say 'I do' as well!

H: That's it then! we've both said it now, so we are married!

P: Erm, I don't think so Helen!

H: Oh Paul, it will be so LUSH!

P: What will?

H: What do you think? The wedding! Paul Clarke!

P: I hope you are not going to go mad. I am NOT wearing anything stupid.

H: No, of course not. As if I would make you do that!

P: Mmm, I know you Helen....(shudders) I just had this awful vision.

H: Did you? What was it?

P: That scene from the 'Vicar of Dibley' where that dizzy blonde girl walks down the aisle dressed as a pink tele tubbie or something, with sparklers on her head.

H: What's that got to do with me? I wouldn't do that! Is that what you think I am Paul Clarke? A dizzy little blonde?


P: No H. I think you are amazing. I love you.

H: It's about time you said that.

P: I already said it!

H: Oh, yeah, once or twice maybe. When did you say it last? Christmas?

P: Yeah, probably.

H: It was a nice Christmas though!

P: Yeah, remember when I made a present of myself?

H: You didn't cover yourself with wrapping paper though, did you Paul?

P: No, but there was a lovely bow, wan't there?

H: You are making me blush now Paul Clarke!

P: Mate, I would have thought that was impossible!

H: Why?

P: Because you are shameless!

H: I am not!

P: You what? You are, you know you are!

H: How am I shameless?

P: You seduced me!

H: I did not!

P: You did so! You took advantage of me when I was vulnerable!

H: You was looking so sad, Paul Clarke!

P: I was mate, I was.

H: And you was looking really nice.

P: Was I?

H: You was looking LUSH!

P: What did you think?

H: I thought, 'Oh, love him!'

P: Did you?

H: Mmmmm.

P: And what do you think now?

H: I think he is being an a**e!

P: Who is?

H: You is!

P: I is?

H: Oh my God! You are! You are driving me mad. I don't think I want to marry you now.

P: Fair do's! So we won't bother then.

H: OK then!

P: I suppose I might as well go out with me mates tonight.

H: Go on then, why don't you?

P: I will, I will do!

H: Right!

P: That's settled then.

H: Mmm-hmm, alright then.

P: I'm going now.

H: You said.

P: Out. I'm going out.

H: I know.

P: With my mates.

H: Right. You still here?

P: I am really going now.

H: Really go then!

P: H?

H: Yeah?

P: How am I looking now?

H: Well, I think you're looking a little bit sad Paul Clarke!

P: I am sad. Am I looking vulnerable as well?

H: Mmmm-hmmm, just a little bit.

P: What you thinking now?

H: Dunno!

P: Helen! Go, on, what are you thinking?

H: I'm thinking that you are still an a**e!

P: Is that all?

H: Yeah!

P: You sure?

H: Well.....

P: Not just a little bit of ...'love him'?

H: Oh Paul!

P: Come here H!

H: So, are we still getting married?

P: Course we are, course we are babe!

H: And can I have a lovely dress?

P: You certainly can.

H: I will look like a lady. Paul Waite will make me a beautiful dress, and I'll look FANTASTIC!

P: You will look beautiful Helen, you always do.

H: Oh Paul!