[Clom]

They're twins! Isn't that amazing! They're twins! They're still amazed and excited by it and they've known they were twins for 18 years! A lot of people claim that "kids today grow up so fast. There's no time for childhood". OK, some kids do. But then we've got this sinister breed of retarded-development 18-year-olds who behave like 11-year-olds. It's all squealing and "I like pink! Yes, pink!" and lollypops and frou-frou skirts from Mothercare and claiming to be useless and wanting to be a pwincess.

We've bred this new genre of post-post-feminists who play on acting vacuous and say women should never buy drinks and how their top film is Legally Blonde and Paris Hilton is "proper aspirational" and that they know that some big stwong man will look after them one day and make everything all right. Hint: he won't. Put your clothes on and bloody grow up.

Actually, maybe I'm totally wrong here. They're probably quite sweet once they've calmed down. Three weeks of eating chickpeas and having to bathe in the lounge should do it. At least it might stop them running around making high-pitched noises.