[Romantic Old Bird]

Easy like Sunday Morning

Scene

10.30.am. Sunday 17th March 2002 . The master bedroom.

Helen returns to bed with the Sunday papers.

H: Morning Mr Clarke, here you are love, I brought you a nice cup of tea.

P: Thanks Babe! (Slurps) And a lovely cup of tea it is!

H: Should be!

P: Very nice, very nice, girl. A Nice cup of tea!

Helen lies back down on top of the covers next to Paul and admires their Ducal four poster bed.

H: I like my bed Paul Clarke!

P: It is cool, isn’t it.

H: Not at all like that big chrome one you wanted. That wasn’t cosy at all.

P: But it was mad, wasn’t it?

H: I didn’t like that one. You was so far away in it.

P: I was not! It was just the same size as this.

H: Mmm, but it didn’t have these nice pink curtains round it did it? They are so lush. We have got our own little world in yere, haven’t we Paul?

P: Mate, we’ve got a whole bloody house to ourselves! No one is looking at us anymore you know.

H: They could be. There could be people with those zoomy things looking at us.

P: No one is that interested in what we do now Helen. I think they know what we do!

H: You don’t know that!

P: I think I do, H. I think I do. If you think about it, we are just a pretty ordinary couple living together in our first home.

H: Hmmmm, I suppose we are really. I’m still on Lorraine though, aren’t I? I’m on loads now!

P: You are doing very well babe, and I am proud of you.

H: They got loads of emails about me you know!

P: Did they? Did they say they liked you?

H: They did, and some of them said they missed you as well!

P: I didn’t know 9 year olds watched Lorraine!

H: I think they were from women this time, Paul Clarke!

P: (Sits up, interested) Really? Did they say anything particular?

H: Some of them went on about your bottom when they wrote about you to Channel 5, didn’t they Paul? No, I think this time they were just missing seeing you and me together.

P: That’s nice I suppose. Quite nice.

H: That's lovely that is! They want us to be happy. Anyway, Lorraine says our target audience is ‘carers with very young children, the housebound and the elderly’.

P: Oh, fantastic! I won’t give up the day job just yet then.

H: You’ll just have to settle for being my very own love god then, won’t you?

M: Mate, you are more than enough for any love god to deal with.

H: I don’t know what you mean Mr Clarke. I’m an angel I am. I’m getting back into bed now.

Helen slips off her Winnie the Pooh slippers and throws the dressing gown on to the chair.

H: Come here Paul, I want a cuddle.

P: Well, you can’t have one.

H: Why not? I only want a little hug.

P: I know you Helen, and there is no such thing as a little hug with you. Anyway, I’m reading this.

H: Mmmm, you’re horrible you are. What are you reading?

P: It’s about the new Audi! Listen to this Helen, it is so cool!
‘The daring new Audi …blah…blah…amazing acceleration…blah blah..stunning design…..erotic lines reminiscent of the Ford Cougar..’
I worked on that H, I designed the doors on that!

H: That’s nice Paul. So no cuddle then?

P: No H, I told you. We can’t spend every weekend in bed you know.

H: Why not? We work all week, we deserve it!

P: I am going to the gym in a bit anyway. I really need to.

H: You are not! I’m cooking you dinner. I already put the roast in the oven. Can’t you smell it?

P: You don’t know how to cook a roast do you?

H: I rang Jenny, and she told me how to do it, AND she told me how to put the marmite in gravy.

P: She never did! She never tells anyone that!

H: I’m not just anyone though, am I Paul? I’m looking after you. I’m looking after her little boy.

P: That’s really nice. My mum is amazing though, isn’t she? What time is is ready then?

H: Time?

P: Yeah, what time will it be cooked?

H: I dunno Paul.

P; Well, what time did you put it in?

H: I’m not sure really. Why?

P: Well, how are you going to know when it’s ready?

H: I’ll just keep looking until it goes brown and crinkly. Just like your mum’s.

P: H, that’s good, yeah, but you have to work out how long it will take by how much it weighs and how hot the oven is.

H: Do I?

P: Well what have you put it in at, what temperature?

H: Sort of half way Paul! Have I done it wrong? (face crumples)

P: No, don’t worry, half way, that sounds good.

H: (Sniffling) Does it?

P: Yeah, no worries. Now how big was it?

H: I dunno Paul. I asked the butcher for a nice big piece to feed me and you.

P: Right. OK, H, that’s good. What else did you ask for?

H: Well I said you was a big bloke with a nice body.

P: I’m sure he was fascinated to hear that Helen.

H: He was Paul, he said, ‘we’ll need to keep his strength up for you then’.

P: Yeah, I wonder why! So how big was it?

Holding her hands up, Helen tries to show him.

H: Oh, I don’t know Paul, why don’t you have a look at it?

P: OK babe, don’t worry. I will, it will be fine. Now just try to work out what time you put it in whilst I’m gone.

H: (Thinks out loud) OK then. Let me see. I put the roast in, then I washed my hands, and then I soaked my fingers and did my cuticles, and then I did my nails and then I exfoliated my legs before I put on the fake tan, and then I put on another coat of fake tan, then I had to try and get it off my hands, then I plucked my eyebrows, and then I peeled the potatoes and then I washed my hands again and then…..

Paul shouts through from the kitchen.

P: Helen?

H: Yes love?

P: What time did you get up today?

Paul walks into the bedroom, carrying the roasting tin between his gloved hands.

H: I don’t know exactly. You woke me up because you was talking really loud.

P: Was it before say, 8 o’clock?

H: Well, what time does it get light Paul?

P: About half past six I think.

H: Really? Well it was nearly light…… is it nearly done do you think?

P; I think it is completely done mate. In fact I think it is a bit on the well done side!

H: But you like it well done though, don’t you Paul?

P: I think it’s a bit too well done even for me Helen.

H: Is it spoilt. Have I ruined it?

P: Let’s just say it will never ride the range again, mate!

H: Sorry Paul. I tried to do something nice for you. I can’t do nothing right.

P: It doesn’t matter Helen, don’t get upset. We’ll make something together later.
I like it when we make things together.

H: So do I Paul!

P: Helen!

H: Only joking! What shall we do now?

P: Well, I’m going to read the sports page. We'll worry about it later. Here, have the colour supplement. There’s loads of fashion and beauty things in that.

H: OK then, in a minute. Oh Paul?

P: Yes Helen.

H: That reminds me. I got to try out some new depilli……, dilippel…hair removing crème for my Beauty Bar.

P: Depilatory cream? Oh yeah, that’s nice H.

H: Well I was wondering.

P: Wondering what?

H: I just did my legs, and everything, and I bleach my top lip, so I haven’t got much to try it on.

P: And?

H: Well I thought you …

P: No H!

H: Just a little bit!

P: I don’t want none of my hair removing, thankyou. I like it just the way it is.

H: Not even somewhere where it won’t show?

P: No!

H: Oh, please Paul. How about on your little belly?

P: Nah,….well, will it hurt?

H: Not if this cream does what it says it will.

P: What if it doesn’t?

H: I’ll kiss it better for you.

P: Oh no you don’t! I know you. OK, just a very little bit here, and no funny business.

H: Relax Paul. I ‘ll be gentle with you.

Four hours and fifteen minutes later, Paul and Helen return to the flat. Paul sits down very gingerly in the chair.

H: Oh, Paul does it really hurt? Love you!

P: Helen, I would be lying if I said it didn’t. It bloody stings mate!

H: I’m really sorry Paul. The box says that stuff is harmless.

P: Yeah, it’s bloody harmless and I’m bloody hairless!

H: It will grow Paul, don’t worry.

P: I hope it will mate, when the burns have healed, I hope it will.

H: Shall I change your dressing for you Paul?

P: Helen, they only just put it on there, leave it!

H: That nurse thought it was funny, didn’t she Paul?

P: Mate, I’m thinking of complaining, I thought they was supposed to be professionals.

H: It was funny though Paul.

P: Maybe for you H. Maybe for you. But I have to say not many blokes enjoy women rolling about on the floor laughing when they take their boxer shorts off!

H: She said she don’t see something like that every day though Paul!

P: That much is true, I know. But I don’t think on this occasion, she was admiring me.

H: She might have been!

P: I don’t think so. Why did you do it anyway?

H: Do what?

P: That pattern on my hair!

H: I thought it would look really nice. I thought you’d like it

P: What is supposed to be?

H: It’s a little doggy!

P: Well you shouldn’t have left the cream on so long

H: Well I didn’t mean to. I just sort of got, distracted.

P: Who did the distracting? You did!

H: Well, I didn’t mean to. You wasn’t complaining.

P: Yeah, well OK, I might have got a bit distracted then as well. Anyway, the nurse didn’t look too convinced about your ‘accident’ story.

H: Will you get the nurse to dress it at work tomorrow?

P: H, I think I might just have to give work a miss.

H: Oh no, that means you’ll be here all on your own, bless your little cotton socks. I’ve got to go in to the studio tomorrow.

P: I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Your work is much more important. What are you doing tomorrow?

H: I’m eating Easter Eggs for our viewers!

P: Oh, a public service then!

H: Oh, Paul, it is important, and, I enjoy it!

P: Helen, for you, eating chocolate is a bloody vocation!

H: Is that good Paul?

P: In small doses mate, in small doses.

H: Paul

P: Yes Helen

H: Do you still love me?

P: Course I do.

H: Even after I depill….done that to your ……

P: Nether regions? I don’t know Helen. Pretty scary, pretty scary!

H: Oh Paul, I’m sorry.

P: ‘Helen Adams, beauty consultant. Coming to a town near you. Be afraid, be very afraid!’

H: Don’t Paul! You won’t tell no-one, will you?

P: I was thinking of ringing Dominic Mohan tomorrow morning.

H: You wasn’t!

P: What do you think? Will you report back on it, on 'The Beauty Bar' on Friday?

H: Perhaps not!

P: Helen?

H: Yes Paul?

P: You haven’t got to try out any massage cream have you?

H: Why?

P: Well I think a little rub down might ease the pain.

H: Well I haven’t really, but this Tommy Hilfiger Crackle Spray we had on last week is really soothing, it might cool it down a bit for you.

P: OK H, but only a little bit and for God’s sake be careful……………………..

We leave this tranquil scene. A lone dog walker on the common opposite the flat looks up momentarily as she hears what sounds like a blood-curdling scream from the buildings nearby. She hears nothing more, shakes her head, and moves on. Maybe she was imagining it. Hadley Wood is such a nice area, nothing unsavoury could possibly happen here. She must have been hearing things.

‘Come on Harriet, there's a good dog, we better go. Time for tea’.