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Mrluvaluva · 18-07-2007, 01:39 PM

Sir Pilchard of Branston has decided that he would rather pluck his beard with a blunt toothpick than enter the Big Brother Ate House and smell the desperation of the assembled inmates.

Speaking from his private island off Cleethorpes Sir Pilchard gave his reasons in full to a stunned audience of electrocuted people.

They are too boring to repeat but included a comment that he would "help Sir Elton Mike to drown Charles, 56, if the opportunity arose".

Sir Pilchards Slapper brand is sponsoring the silences in this years obese child of a TV reality programme. Some viewers have complained that the number of sound dips, or silences, this year are making the programme almost watchable, a claim vigorously denied by PR gurus at Pox HQ, Elstree.

A spokesperson confirmed this afternoon that it was the programmes intent to become so unwatchable that Channel 4 would become a wholly owned subsidiary of Slapper. To that end it was thinking about things and would get back to us.

Sir Pilchard has confirmed details of his sponsorship deal stating that Slapper is proud to support the muzzling of tedium and hoped to buy more silence from the programme as it enters the final 34 weeks of it's scheduled run, if the producers didn't throw a hissy fit and get into trouble with OfTwot.

It is estimated that Sir Pilchard has spent upwards of £5.50 sponsoring this years entire series - the world price of silence having slumped to a record low of 1p a week since it's peak of £5,000 a second sometime in the 18th century.

The sponsored silences feature unknown foreign people being over dubbed with slogans users of the Slapper brand will be familiar with, such as "gosh Sir Pilchard is really a nice beardy person".

OfTwot has refused to comment that the original tapes clearly show these foreign types as saying "who is that tosser?". They have promised to dedicate the resources of the office numpty to thoroughly investigate any trickery by global super power £ndemol.

Dont believe me? Honest guv, I ain't muggin' you off. I ain't havin' a bubble. Struth!