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Mrluvaluva · 07-08-2007, 11:57 AM

It was a sour little eviction night. David and Shanessa, two folk we barely knew, were chucked out of the house. Nevertheless the crowd howled and booed, shouting clear directions to them on why they were both so despised.

Davina smooths this over, as ever, as "pantomime", but I'm not so certain it is. Sometimes, an evictee will be standing on the stage with Davina, waving their hands about, then a lone mocking voice in the crowd will shout something really horrid, making everyone snigger and roar.

And sometimes a millisecond of bewilderment and hurt will flash across the evictee's face, as if they had never expected a stranger could be so unpleasant. I often think, this isn't good telly at all. It's just cruel and sad.

David's biggest crimes were acting a bit over-cocky and resembling a slightly rotund Matt from Busted en route to a Halloween bop.

David was one of those people who had studied a lot of Big Brother previously and was madly earnest about staying a long time and being a big, well-loved character. So off he goes into the house, little fists scrunched, serious expression, not having very much fun at all, coming across as a bit of a malcontent and a definite harbourer of daft grudges.

Oh, and he was a witch too. Although not a scary witch. Or a very useful one. When faced with a delicious Spam and jam pâté, it would have been fantastic if David could have called upon his pagan gods to make it vanish, or at least turn it into a lovely piece of gateau.

Instead he shouted a few half-arsed mystical words, then retched his way through eight spoons of bleak Spam/jam concoction. I mean, obviously, this sort of otherworldly excitement could have taken up at least 50 pages in Harry Potter and the Extremely Ghoulish Owl (or whatever the last one was called). But it wasn't enough to keep David as a housemate.

Shanessa was determined while she was in the house to "be herself". So she was herself 110% (as stupid yet keen people always say) and the crowd still disliked her. Shanessa's finest moment was dressing up in knee-high socks and a hockey skirt, putting her hair in bunches, then prancing back into the main house like a Bo' Selecta Britney Spears, hoping to ensnare Ziggy.

Ziggy was - as most men would be - quite bemused by the sight. Why do women dress up like wanton schoolgirls in the hope of provoking an urge in men that, if it was confessed, could see the bloke chased to the city limits by people with pitchforks? It is one of life's mysteries.

To Shanessa's credit, she also let one of the twins wear her pink lap-dancing outfit and paraded her through the house for everyone to see. That was very sweet of Shanessa. It is a better woman than I who opens her wardrobe to a size-eight, 19-year-old blonde and shouts, "Hey, everyone, come and look at what my clothes are supposed to look like!" I'd rather drink a pint of curdled mayonnaise and eat some of Carole's delicious broccoli, steamed for only 40 minutes until it resembles Exorcism gunk.

So now we're left with Amy. Amy has been having a sort of lacklustre "thing" with Liam, but now he's gone cold. I'm not sure how interested I am in two people with no natural spark, who haven't really been in a relationship together, bickering over the fact that their non-relationship never really went anywhere.

To me, Amy seems a bit pathetic. I can forgive Liam for getting cabin fever and feeling like having "a bit of neck-on" with someone. But Amy's only been locked up for a few days! Why is having a fling in there so crucial to her happiness? Not that it matters whether it goes anywhere. Amy doesn't care if it goes nowhere, right?! He can just snog her, then ignore her post-eviction, and that will be FINE as it was just FUN.

Hmmm. That's either a lie, or the forlorn witterings of a girl with no self-respect. And anyway, we've seen Amy and Liam together. "Fun" doesn't seem to be the word for what they were really having. Their fling seemed to consist of a lot of Amy simpering about being a glamour model while Liam wrestled with his hormones and worried about what this looked like on telly. To be honest, Liam's eyes glow more with humour and affection when he's talking to Carole.

Meanwhile Carole, curmudgeonly old crone that she is, now has the entire house by the short and curlies. After weeks of silently pulling everyone's strings, Carole has finally got everyone exactly where she wants them, ie all around the table obediently devouring bowls of stodgy gloop and not answering back about her house rules.

They're probably all vitamin deficient too, as Carole's idea of cooking carrots is to put them on the stove, then wander off and listen to Jonty telling one of his great stories about a calamity at the local post office during the last Spod-Weekly "Meet the Daleks" competition.

Three hours later, Carole removes the carrots from the gas and serves the mush with some of her special Yorkshire puddings that look like they're made of MDF and scorched Bovril. Carole's tyranny is hilarious to watch, but would be hell if you were in there.

Carole wants to be house-mum. Like most mothers she loves her kids but at times controls them using guilt, disappointment and a touch of fear too. "Pleeeeeeeease, Carole, please can I have another blob of toothpaste from the toothpaste ration?!" they cry. "No, you've had yours today, stop being greedy," she huffs.

Carole had a hand in finishing off Ziggy and Chanelle. Goodbye, Chanelle. Carole wasn't keen about Liam and Amy and now that's dust too. Bye bye, Amy. The funniest thing about Carole is that as "house leader" she causes more arguments than anyone and never, ever sorts them out.

What was the point in telling Shanessa that Amy was "looking down her nose at her" during her lap dance? What other way can you look at a spectacle like that? Upwards in awe? And why does Carole always wig on about democracy, then storm out of every house meeting the moment anyone disagrees with her? The twins, on the other hand, sit patiently like real adults.

The other night at 3am Brian and the gang were playing splishy-splashy in the pool. Carole could have gone to bed but instead she mangled her knickers and kept watch. "That'll stop everyone going too crazy," she must have thought. "They probably should all be in bed anyway… If they stay up too late it'll just interfere with their body clocks! Then they'll not be up in time to eat my delicious porridge that I've had simmering gently since just before Shabnam's eviction. Mmmmm-mmmm, tastes sooo good."

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