[Romantic Old Bird]

Scene: Sweaterama Gymnasiam, Finchley. Thursday morning

Louis Theroux (LT) and his entourage arrive and are ushered into the gym, just in time to see Helen Adams complete a recording of her latest fitness investigation for Lorraine Kelly.

H: OK, I think that’s me for today, thankyou Li-Chee!

Li-chee: So, Helen, that was Tae-Bo! I think you really enjoyed that didn’t you?

H: I did, but my arms and legs really kill! It really hurt doin’ that’ it did!
Oooh, well, it’s all in a good cause. I’m a good sport aren’t I? I thought when I was doin’ it, I thought, that’s really good Helen Adams, that is, if I say so myself!

As the camera crew pack up, Helen spots Louis.

H: Oh Hello! Nice to see you again! You filming me now?

LT: Well, myself and Ben here on camera….

H: Hello Ben!

B: Ur, oh, hello Helen

H: Right!

LT: Ben and Charlie here, the sound man..

Charlie: ‘Lo Helen

H: Oooo, I didn’t see you there. You’re only little, ent you?

LT: The three of us, well, we will more or less be following you and Paul round all the time over the next couple of days, filming and recording your everyday activities. Does that worry you?

H: It don’t worry me! I’m used to it, I am. Don’t know about Mr Clarke though. Still he agreed to it dint he?

LT: Of course. Everyone I film has been happy to talk to me.

H: I know. I seen you with Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee. And Chris Eubank. He’s that boxer, in’t he? I been doing some boxing I have, it kills!

LT: Yes. Of course Chris Eubank was in Big Brother as well !

H: He was, want he? He didn’t last long though did he? Not like me and Paul. They couldn’t get rid of us

LT: The public obviously loved you both.

H: Specially Mr Clarke, four times they kept him in!

LT: Indeed. So, what’s next today then Helen?

H: Well, first I’ve got to take my camera make up off, then I’ve got to have a shower, then put my Helen make-up on. Cos it’s different you see. This stuff I’ve got on yere, it looks all orange out there! Then I got to go to see Lorraine and do some rehearsals for tomorrow, AND I got to look at the programme plans for all next week. It’s exciting isn’t it?

LT: It’s a very busy day you have ahead of you Helen.

H: I know, the viewers don’t realise how much research and practice I have to do. I work proper hard, I do!

LT: What time do you finish then Helen?

H: Well, normally I get away from there by about 2 o’clock. Then I got to do some shopping.

LT: OK, let’s get on then!

H: Alright! GMTV studios then!

They arrive at GMTV just in time to see Lorraine before she leaves for lunch.

H: Hello Lorraine! Did the show go alright?

LK: Hello Helen! Of course it did! Oooh, who’s this you’ve got with you? I think I recognise Mr Louis Theroux there!

LT: Hello Miss Kelly. Please don’t mind us. We’re following Helen today.

H: That’s right Lorraine! Me and Paul are doing one of Louis’ programmes.

LK: I see! I think you’re very brave. I couldn’t do that, I’d have to tidy up the house and everything!

H: Well, mine and Mr Clarke’s flat is all nice and clean and tidy, and everything’s new and sparkly, so I’m not worried at all!

LK: Of course you’re not! It’s a super wee love nest! I’m sure the programme will be lovely.

H: I know!

LK: Right! Well Helen, we’ll see you again Tomorrow for Helen’s Drawers won’t we?

H: We certainly will Lorraine!

LK: And on Tuesday next week you’ve got the Beauty Bar

H: Now, let’s get it right, ‘Helen’s Beauty Bar’, Lorraine!

LK: Of course Helen! And then on Thursday you’ll be looking at how Liz Hurley is getting back into shape after the birth of her wee boy Damian.

H: I will Lorraine!

LK: They’re all having babies now aren’t they? She seems to have started a trend. There’s Victoria Beckham, and now your favourite Sarah Jessica Parker!

H: They are, they’re all having babies now Lorraine!

LK: I wonder who’ll be next Helen?

H: Mmmm, not me anyway, no chance, no way Jose’!

LK: Well, you never know!

H: I do know! No babies yet Lorraine. I’m not even married!

LK: Yes, well, mmm Miss Adams! Never say never!

H: Maybe we’d better move on, Lorraine - the camera’s, the cameras!

LK: Ok Helen. See you tomorrow, and good luck with your programme Louis!

2pm, and Helen is ready to go

H: Alright Louis, shopping!! Let’s go, chop, chop, chop!

LT: What, Harvey Nick’s?

H: No! We don’t do Harvey Nick’s on Thursdays, Louis. We do Sainsbury’s.

LT: Oh. Will we get a chance to see you doing some retail therapy during the next two days Helen?

H: No, well I got my new top for tonight, and I don’t really want to go looking for something else just yet. Well, I do. I always want to go shopping, you know me! But I better not. I’m trying to be ‘sensible with my money’.
Helen beams proudly before continuing:

I’ll ask Paul if he wants to go with you if you like. He does need some new boxer shorts, love him.

LT: That’s OK Helen, don’t worry. Let’s go to Sainsbury’s.

A few minutes later, the group follow Helen as she pushes her trolley through the automatic doors of the supermarket.

H: I’m glad you’re ‘ere cos I need some serious stuff today guys! I don’t have to get a taxi. Where’s that list me and Paul done last night? Oh, I got it!

LT: So, Helen. What’s going on tonight?

H: Oooh! Well, me and Paul, we’ve invited some friends round and we’re going to cook dinner. We are having a little dinner party, and it’s going to be really cool……………. Oh my God! That means I’m going to have to cook for me and Paul, Gaz and Kerry, that’s four, and you, Ben and Charlie. That’s seven! Oh my God! I haven’t never made dinner for that many people before!

LT: What about in the House? There were ten of you in there.

H: Oh, yeah, but back then I only done it when the numbers went down. I suppose we could have fish pie, mash, spaghetti and sausages again!

LT: Paul’s legendary fish pie?

H: Yeah!

Ben: It’s OK, I won’t bother. I’ll pick up something outside.

Charlie: Yeah, don’t want to bother you. Anyway, I’m a vegetarian

H: I could have done Naz’s chick pea curry for you then!

LT: Never mind, the boys will fend for themselves.

H: Oh, love em.

LT: I would very much like to join you for dinner though!

H: Lovely! Let’s get going then. Paul will be home soon!

Two hours later Helen skips into her kitchen. Louis trundles in behind her carrying the shopping. Ben and Charlie squeeze into the room behind him.

H: Oh, it’s a bit cramped with all you lot in yere. Why don’t you put all that down, and make us all a nice cup of tea. Paul will be ‘ere in a minute and I got to make myself look beautiful first. That alright?

LT: Your relationship must have come on a long way since you left the house. I seem to remember you were together in all sorts of circumstances, looking shall we say ‘au naturel’ . I must admit I’m surprised you feel you need to make sure every hair is in place just because he’s coming home.

H; Are you? Well, I don’t think I should give up trying to look my best. Just because I’m his girlfriend doesn’t mean I can let myself go. Mr Clarke’s lovely, and I’m very lucky he’s my boyfriend.

LT: Of course. But you are also a very attractive young lady, and he should be glad you’re his girlfriend.

H: Oh, he is. But, it’s just that…..

LT: Yes?

H: When I asked you to wait outside that jewellery shop before we got to Sainsbury’s..

LT: Yes. Where you went to pick up Paul’s birthday present?

H: Shh! Oh, he’s not here is he? Well, I just had to buy myself this as well!

Helen dips inside her little black carrier bag and takes out two very small, expensive-looking boxes.

H: Now, this one’s for Paul. We’re not looking in there!

LT: You could do Helen. This programme won’t be aired for a few weeks

H: Mmm. Better not anyway. It’s something I got made for him, special!

LT: OK, so what’s in the other box Helen, can we look at that?

Opening it, she show’s Louis a pair of small diamond earrings.

LT: They’re very nice Helen. Were they expensive?

H: A little bit. But, well I saw them and they were so sparkly, and look, they’re little bunny rabbits! Aren’t they fantastic?

LT: They are very delicate. Quite exquisite in fact.

H: I know. They’re ladylike aren’t they?

LT: Very. So, you think you will need to butter Paul up when he sees how much you’ve spent on yourself? Will he be cross?

H: He might be a little bit. He says we’ve got to be careful now, cos we’ve got commitments.

LT: Yes, setting up together in your own home is a big commitment!

H: I know. It is really exciting isn’t it! I love it!
Looking at her earrings again she looks worried for a moment, before clicking shut the box cheerfully and continuing:

H: Mr Clarke will be alright. I can always get round Paul Clarke. Still, a bit of lip gloss won’t hurt. Back in a minute.

LT: OK

Whilst Helen is in the bedroom, Louis boils the kettle and looks at the pictures on the fridge door. He recognises most of them from the recent Hello! shoot, and there are a couple of photo’s of Paul standing by his new car.

He smiles to himself as he spots school photos of both Paul and of Helen, and beckons Ben over to zoom in on the pictures. That gappy smile was a absolute give away. The pictures must have been taken when they were about 6. He finds himself absolutely fascinated by the sheer magnitude of Paul’s ears. No wonder he had the op, poor kid must have been tormented at school! The photos are held on with heart shaped magnets, and two post-it notes between them read ‘Helen loves Paul’ and ‘Paul loves Helen’.

Ben: Sort of sweet really, I suppose!

LT: Touching.

He looks up as he hears footsteps bounding up the stairs.

Paul sprints up to the door of the flat, humming cheerfully and tunelessly to himself. Reaching the top step, he trips, dropping and squashing the flowers he had just bought on the way home.

P: For ****'s Sake, H!!

Helen comes out into the hall excitedly, clapping her hands together

H; It’s Paul, Louis - he’s here already. Lovely!

LT: We’ll wait in the lounge, shall we?

H: Alright then. We’ll be in there in a minute!

Helen quickly opens the door.

H: Hello Mr Clarke! Oh, dear! What’s the matter Paul? What’s the matter with them tulips?

P: The matter is, I fell over your bloody boots and sat on them. Why did you have to leave them out here?

H: I did it cos you said they stink.

P: Well they do!

H: And I did it cos you said my heels were messing up the oak floor boards in the hall. And I got Louis, and Ben and Charlie to do it too!

P: OK then, I suppose it’s just one of those things innit H?

H: You cross? Was they for me?

P: No, I’m not cross, yes they were for you, and bloody hell, I forgot about that bloody programme. You don’t think they’re recording now do you?

H: No, they’re in the lounge Paul. Louis made a nice cup of tea for you.

P: That’s nice. He being alright with you?

H: He’s a really nice guy Paul, and he’s got Ben the cameraman, and Charlie the sound man with him as well, but he’s only little, they all came to the gym, and then they all come to the studio with me and then they all went shopping with me, and then they helped me carry all the shopping!

P: Slow down H, take a breath! So, they helped you with the groceries and stuff?

H: Yeah! I had to get loads of stuff!

P: Did they film all of that? It must have been really exciting for them, I don’t think.

H: Course they did! They’re following us round doing our everyday things, that’s what the programmes about, ent it?

P: Helen, you didn’t buy anything embarrassing did you?

H: Well…………… what would you call embarrassing Paul?

P: Never mind, I don’t want to know!

H: My flowers though Paul! They’re all squashed.

P: Mate! I’m sorry.

H: S’alright Paul. You were really nice to bring them for your little Welsh girl weren’t you?

Paul rubs his bum before continuing:
P: I was! I thought, bless her! Seriously though Helen. I nearly broke me bleeding neck out there.

H: Your neck’s in a funny place Paul! I’m sorry love! Big kiss? Mwahhh, Mwahhh!

P: Leave it out H. Today's been like, totally mental!

H: Why?

P: These women arrived from Minsk, yeah?

H: What’s Minsk?

P: Not what’s Minsk Helen, where’s Minsk!

H: Well where is it then?

P: What?

H: No, WHERE!

P: Oh, I see what you mean! It's in Russia I think!

H: Really?

P: Yeah! They were really impressed with my work. I mean completely!
They were in conference with yours truly ALL DAY!

H: All day Paul?

P: Yeah! They saw all the CAD guys, but they chose me! It went so fast, I can't even remember some of it. Mate! I'm absolutely knackered. I'm busted!

H: Bless your little cotton socks Paul. I’ll have to make it up to you later.

P: You can forget the usual tonight Helen. I need me beauty sleep!

H: Don’t forget we got Gaz and Kerry coming round will you?

P: Oh, sh-ii—it! I forgot, and we got that lot as well.

H: Only Louis is going to eat with us, the other two are recording it.

P: I’m beginning to wish we hadn’t agreed to this Helen

H: It’ll be fantastic! I’m really looking forward to it!

P: You really look forward to everything Helen, and you always get really excited.

H: I know, that’s why you love me Paul Clarke!

P: You could be right H, you could be right. Better go and meet them I suppose.

Paul goes into the lounge with Helen.

H: Paul, this is Ben..

P: Hello mate

Ben: Hello Paul

H: And this is Charlie. Ent he little?

P: Helen, behave! Hello Charlie. I apologise for that.

Charlie: It’s alright. I am little. At least she didn’t pat me head.

P: Louis, you alright mate?

LT: Of course Paul, nice to see you again. Oh, and here is your tea.

P: Cheers. So what’s the plan then?

LT: You are preparing a meal together now, it would be nice if you could talk us through it, and we can film as we go along. Really, just pretend I’m a friend calling round for a chat.

P: Cool. OK. H, you got everything you need?

H: Course I have! I got you Paul Clarke!

P: And I got you babe! (laughs uproariously at his own joke, pointing at Helen and spluttering)

LT: Oh, very good

H: That was hilarious want it Paul?

P: Blinding babe, blinding. We’re like this all the time Louis. A laugh a minute

LT: I can see that

P: We just click

H: We do!

LT: You seem to have a very good relationship

P: Amazing Louis! The girl is amazing and we get on like a house on fire.

H: We do get on, don’t we Paul?

P: Yeah! Right, I’m going to shower and get changed, if you’ll excuse me gentlemen.

H: We better get started Paul. It’s five o clock already, and they’re getting here at half past 7

P: Won’t be long. No company required in the shower thanks very much you lot!

LT: Of course not! But, tell me, how did you feel when you saw yourself naked on the TV, taking the shower in the garden?

P: Don’t even go there! Me Nan was not amused mate!

LT: And Helen, how did you feel, seeing yourself on the uncut video?

H: Well, I knew what I looked like, so I didn’t mind really. I was worried that I looked fat though.

Charlie: I thought you looked great!

H: Thankyou!

P: Yeah, well. She won’t be doing that again

H: Now then Paul, don’t get jealous. Go and get that shower.

P: Back in a mo

LT: So Helen, what’s for dinner tonight?

H: I’m making potato cakes, I’m doing them recipes in Hello, look, page 125.

LT: Roast Lemon Peppered Lamb, with potato cakes. Very nice.

H: AND I’m doing an asparagus starter. That’s for Paul

LT: Lovely

H: And a chocolate pudding. That’s for me!

Meanwhile, Paul finishes his shower, and wonders to himself why he’s really tired.

He wanders up to the mirror and looks at himself. Were those dark circles under his eyes? Them wrinkles were definitely worse! Without thinking, he put his hand up and tugged the hair at his temple as usual. Looking at the hairs between his fingers, and sighed as he reflected on the fact that he would probably be well receding by the time he was 35.

Trust him to take after his dad! Mind you, as his dad always said, Sean Connery is a slap-head, and women still voted him one of the sexiest men in the world.…………..

Looking at himself again he wields an imaginary broad sword in the air above his head:

P: My name is Juan Ramirez Sanchez. Mark my words well Highlander! There can be only one!

Walking in to the bathroom behind him, Helen laughs as he falls over trying to catch the towel as it falls from his waist.

H: Paul Clarke, I swear! Not now, we got company! What WAS you doing? Only one what?

P: I wasn’t doing nothing! Just stretching!

H: You was, you was doing that daft voice again. The one you use when you make me play Miss Moneypenny!

P: Leave it out H! I told you, I ache all over.

H: You ache! You only been sitting playing on your computer at work. I’ve been doing kick boxing. Tae Bo it’s called!

P: Cool! I like doing that. It’s good all round exercise, increases
cardiovascular output and keeps you supple. Very Good, very good indeed.

H: Yeah, well, it kills. I’m putting on my dressing gown now. Are you coming to help with the meal?

P: Course I am babe. Let’s go!

Two hours later, Helen and Paul attempt to orchestrate their efforts to complete the meal on time. Louis sets the table and offers to slice the lamb.

P: No, thank you very much Louis, but that is a job for the man of the house I think. Allow me!

Paul opens the oven and gingerly pulls out the roasting tin

P: Oh, it’s alright, not too hot. In fact….H?

H: Yes Paul?

P: What time did you put the roast in?

H: One hour and 30 minutes ago. It just went ting! So it’s got to be ready. Why, what’s the matter?

P: It don’t look done to me Helen

H: It has to be! You done the potatoes, and they’re ready!

P: H. It’s a double oven. Remember, you wanted a double oven! You said you wanted one for you, and one for me.

H: Well Victoria Beckham’s got a double oven! She and David work together in the kitchen. It say’s so in her book.

P: Yeah, that’s nice Helen, and I approve of that. That’s fair do’s.

H: So I don’t know what you’re going on about!

P: Well, my side’s on, but your bloody side, mate, it’s stone cold!

H: Paul, it’s not is it? Oh my god, I didn’t put it on! What am I gonna do?

P: Calm down, calm down. It don’t matter H. I done the potato cakes and they’re only a little bit black on one side, no bother. And you of done the chocolate pudding.

H: I tried my best Paul.

P: And it looks blinding mate!

As he admired her handiwork, and gave her a reassuring hug, the door bell rang loudly.

LT: Do you want me to open that?

H: Oh no, they’re here already! I’m not dressed and I haven’t even done the Asparagus! Don’t open the door yet!

P: You gotta let them in H!

H: I tried really hard Paul, and it’s all my fault! What am I going to do now?

P: Dunno mate. Not panic for a start! I can make my fish pie, just mosh up a couple of cod portions in the potato cakes!

H: Lovely Paul! I don’t think so! What are we going to do?

Ben: Well, I’m going to ring up for an indian. Anyone else want anything?

P: That’s a brilliant idea! Hang on! H, quick, go and get changed.

H: Alright Paul.

Paul opens the front door of the flat

P: Hello Gaz mate, Kerry.

Gaz and Kerry: Hello Paul.

P: Come on in. Listen, change of plan. How do you fancy a nice Chicken Korma?

Five hours later, Paul escorts their friends back to the door.

Gaz: Cheers Paul, I had a great time! You didn’t tell me we was going to be famous as well!

P: Yeah, sorry about that Gaz. I forgot he was coming.

Gaz: Don’t worry about it! He was a good laugh, and them other two. They loved that karaoke machine. Never heard a better rendition of Staying Alive!

P: It was quite amusing I suppose…….

Gaz: Well, better get her home I suppose. Come on Kerry! She’s well gone!

P: Yeah, see you tomorrow mate. Bye Kerry!

Kerry: (singing loudly as she tripped down the first three steps)
……………and if I thought for just one second you would still be here with me. Come on, now Go, walk out the door….

Gaz: Shhhh Kerry, it’s posh round here. Just get in the car and shut up!

Paul returns to the lounge. Louis is fast asleep, head to head with Charlie on the sofa. Investigating the loud snoring emanating from behind the kitchen door, Paul finds Ben propped up behind the fridge. He reaches down to take a half empty can of Red Stripe from his hand.

Helen walks over from the window, where she has been waving her friends off.

P: I think we better leave them like that Helen. Just put a blanket over them or something. What a state!

H: I didn’t let you down tonight did I Paul?

P: You were amazing. I’m proud of you. You stayed off the booze, and you kept your head.

H: I didn’t think they would drink like that. Did you? They didn’t do much filming did they?

P: When do you think they stopped?

H: I think it was after you and me sang Endless Love, Paul. Louis was doing a lot of drinking after that

P: Yeah, that was hilarious want it? You could see they was having a blinder!

H: All three of them Paul. I liked it when you sang ‘Hello’ to me Paul.

P: Was I flat? Normally I’m alright, but sometimes, like on Kylie, I was a bit flat.

H: You wasn’t Paul. You was perfect.

P: I don’t think so H.

H: You was. You always are perfect Paul.

P: Not always!

H: You are to me Paul Clarke

P: Am I?

H: You are

P: That’s really sweet Helen

H: Am I still the girl of your dreams?

P: You are mate, you really really are.

H: Oh Paul

P: Come here Helen, you’re amazing!

H: Am I Paul?

P: Yes babe!

H: And do I deserve to be spoilt cos I’m amazing?

P: Course you do!

H: Good! Cos you know my new earrings that you really like?

P: Yeah?

H: Well, they wasn’t from Next really.

P: OK. Cool, where were they from then?

H: They was from Cartier

P: ………………Roight…….

H: But they are really nice…

P: And they cost?
Helen stands on tip toe to whisper in his ear.

P: HOW BLOODY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0700 hrs, Friday morning.

Helen bleary eyed in her dressing gown, pours the tea.

Paul walks round the kitchen, checking himself out in the reflection of the double oven door. He laughs to himself as he sees the lamb roast still sitting anaemically on the drainer.

P: That’s what happens when you leave it to the amateurs!

H: Shut up Paul. You know I tried my best.

P: Yes, but you should have let the master do it for you!

H: Oh Paul, do you think they minded having that takeaway?

P: H, I think they loved it. Don’t worry.

H: Have you forgiven me yet for those earrings?

P: (Sternly) No, and I won’t do!

H: You will do! You wasn’t cross with me all last night, was you.

P: Shhh, H, they’re around somewhere.

H: They’re not filming or recording though. Have you seen them?

Helen opens the door to the lounge slightly. Ben in sitting in the chair with his head in his hands, groaning. Louis emerges from the bathroom shakily, and Charlie sits stroking his sound boom, staring aimlessly into space.

P: Look at the state of that! I was dreading having myself filmed again, but I think we can be sure of some friendly editing after this. I don’t even mind them coming to work with me. Come on, let’s take them a nice cup of tea!

Walking noisily through, Paul and Helen offer each of them a mug.

H: Wakey wakey, rise and shine. Alright everyone?

P: Ready for that trip out to Basildon? I’m getting going in a minute.

LT: You know, Paul and Helen, I think we’ve got enough for a really good show already. Perhaps we don’t need to intrude after all.

P: Listen Louis, you have just got to see my designs

LT: OK Paul, of course.

P: I’m only in until 12, and then me and Helen are meeting up in town. We’re going to see ET!

LT: Really? Nothing new then?

P: Louis, you are joking mate! Speilberg’s redone all the effects. Me dad says it’s even better than ever!

LT: Fine! OK, lets get off shall we?

P: Great! You travel with me, and the lads can drive behind in the van

LT: Certainly. Come on, you two

B&C: Urrrrrgggghhhh!

Paul kisses Helen goodbye, and ploughs cheerfully downstairs, followed his three companions.

LT: Are you sure you want me to travel with you Paul?

P: Course! You have not lived until you been down the M25 and the A127 with me mate!

Forty five minutes later, the Audi and the van arrive at RLE International in Basildon

P: That was amazing! Never had such a good run on a Friday!

LT: Where’s the toilet?

During the morning Paul excitedly takes Louis on a tour of the office, and introduces him to his colleagues. After a riveting three hours they prepare to leave. Paul’s boss, Mike, comes out to say goodbye.

Mike: It’s been nice to meet you! I hope Paul kept you entertained. I think we will have to give him more PR work for the company. He was a tremendous hit with our overseas visitors yesterday. They seemed to be totally enthralled!

LT: (With barely a trace of irony)That is understandable. Absolutely fascinating field. Car doors? Who would have thought how many different designs a person could generate! And Paul seems to know about them all!

P: I do, and you’ve only seen the ones I done this year! It’s a shame you haven’t got more time. I could ring Helen and cancel the cinema I suppose!

LT: (Quickly) No Paul, no, you can’t do that! Helen is really looking forward to it.

P: Yeah, I suppose, we can’t disappoint the girl. OK then , but why don’t you come back another time? You don’t need the crew, cos you can’t film it anyway.

LT: Paul, that’s a great idea. I’ll get my PA to ring you!

P: Cool! Here’s my card!

LT: Right, let’s go!

At 2.15pm, the trio meet up with Helen in Leicester Square, outside the cinema.

Ben has rung ahead to make sure they can film inside.

LT: They’re quite happy are they? Fine, let’s go in!

P: Hang on Louis, me and H are signing autographs here!

H: Louis, you gotta be nice to your fans you know. Not that we are real celebrities.

P: No, but I get some real weird stuff through the post at work.

H: He does! Mostly from old ladies though!

P: How do you know that? Some of them are quite young!

H: Oh, yeah, then there’s his nine year old fans. Sorry, I forgot!

LT: Shall we go in?

P: Right, let’s go! I love the cinema!

LT: Happy memories Paul?

P: Loads mate! Me dad worked on Star Wars. He knows Speilberg, and I met him when I was a sprog meself!

H: And a few other memories Paul Clarke!

P: Loads!

H: Not all of them to do with the films either!

P: What? Oh, I see what you’re saying! Don’t go on about that again!

LT: Oh yes, I remember something about that. Didn’t you……?

H: Yeah! Paul said he done it in a cinema once!

P: Helen!! (Motions a zip over his mouth)

LT: Paul, you did say in on Big Brother. Thousands of people saw and heard you say it.

P: I said a lot of things on there, yeah? But that was then and this is now.

LT: True, but……

P: But nothing mate! Listen, when you’re editing this programme, remember that last night you sang Relax, and, all you was wearing was one of Helen’s teddies!

LT: Point taken! Popcorn anyone?

H: Yes please!


6pm Friday night. Louis sits talking with Helen and Paul in their flat before taking his leave.

H: Well Louis, did you enjoy being with me and Mr Clarke?

LT: Helen it’s been an unforgettable experience.

H: Well I enjoyed it anyway!

LT: As did I! What can I say, it’s been…………..

P: Emotional!

Paul is very amused at his own wit, and starts to laugh. Ben and Charlie join in. They have quite taken to Paul now, and find themselves laughing along with him.

Louis looks blankly back at all of them

P: You know Louis, that’s what Vinny says!

A further blank look as Paul and the crew roll about laughing

Helen looks puzzled at first, but is eager to join in

H: Oh Paul, that’s funny that is! That was in four guns and three smoking barrels that was!

P: No H! It was Lock Stock and….

H: Bedrock! Lock, Stock and Bedrock! That’s it! It’s in the Flintstones!

P: No H!

H: It was! It’s where Fred and Wilma live.

P: (shaking his head) What are you like?

H: It was the Flintstones. There was Fred, Wilma, Barney, Betty

Ben: (laughing) And Dino

H: And Pebbles

Charlie: And Bam Bam!

H: I don’t think there was a Vinny though, was there?

Paul shakes his head and goes over to Helen to give her a hug

P: Helen, you make me laugh you do!

H: Why?

Ben, Charlie and Paul, as one:
Cos you do!

LT: Apparently! Are you two ready?

Ben: (Opening the can of Red Stripe Paul has just passed to him)
Well actually Louis, we’re gonna stay here for a bit.

Charlie: (Raising his can in salute) Yeah.

Ben: We’re going out with Paul tonight

Charlie: And his mates!

P: It’ll be blinding! You’re more than welcome!

LT: Er, no, I think I’ll pass. Helen, it’s been a pleasure!

H: Thank you Louis. Why don’t you stay yere? I’m not going nowhere tonight!

LT: What will you be doing then Helen?

H: Oooh, I got LOADS to do!
First I got to wash my hair……………..
and then I go to bleach my top lip………………..
and wax my legs…………………..
and then I got to try out this gel………………
and put on this cream……………….
Oh! and do my nails………..

LT: So! All set for you then! Well, I suppose I’d better get going then!

H: Oh, OK then.

Ben: Yeah, see you Louis!

Charlie: Bye!

P: Bin a blast mate!

LT: You two leaving the van here then?

Ben: Yeah! Want me to call for a cab?

LT: No, it’s alright, I’ll get the tube

H: I wish I could get on the tube.

P: You get mobbed, don’t you H?

H: I do! Don’t you get mobbed Louis?

LT: No. No-one seems to recognise me really

P: You’re lucky mate! See you then.

LT: I’ll go then shall I?

Chorus: BYE!

Louis walks down the stairs, congratulating himself on remembering to step over Helen’s boots. He pulls the door to as he leaves the house and crunches down the gravel to the road. He feels strangely sad as he looks up at the flat, and sighs as he turns onto the pavement.

Bloody hell, he thought to himself. That flat must have cost a bomb. Taking taxi’s everywhere. Here’s me, Oxbridge educated, wealthy family, worked hard to establish myself in my career, going home alone on the tube on a Friday night.

Back in the flat, Paul and his new mates start playing World Cup 2002
on his Play Station.

Helen sings to herself as she makes a pile of sandwiches for the boys. She’s quite happy, staying in and pampering herself for the evening. After tonight, she knows Paul will be all hers for the weekend

Ben: Great girl you got there Paul!

Charlie: She’s lovely she is!

P: Mate, I landed on me feet there. She’s gorgeous. She’s the best! I mean…..hang on, watch it………..ooooohhh YES, shoot, YES! Come on my son!

Helen placed the sandwiches on the table before quietly slipping back to the kitchen.

She smiled to herself as she twiddled her new earrings and dreamed of the ring she’d spotted whilst she was in the shop.

It was quite big, but really tasteful, that diamond was. Classy!

She looked at her earrings in the mirror. She wrinkled up her nose at them.

So cute, and nibbling on a little carrot! Lovely!

Funny, the man said there was a carrot in that ring she’d looked at as well.

She couldn’t see it, but she didn’t like to say.

She checked out her chin for the spot she thought she’d seen earlier. No, nothing there!

She had a quick check round and then looked thoughtfully at her overall reflection in the mirror.

So I’m gorgeous am I Mr Clarke?

The best?

Well guess what you’re buying me next!

[Mark]

ROB that was brilliant!

I thought it was never going to end!

Thank you - I had a really boring day and that cheered me up

Mark

[Chad]

Me too!!! Thanks

[BigSister]

I really enjoyed this ROB

Well done

[Feefs]

Marvellous as ever ROB, thanks. I know it's wrong, but I'm sad you are returning to work. I hope you can still squeeze us in, because that was fan-bloody-tastic and just what I need to start my weekend.

[peachy]

As Helen would say,'words fail me'. I don't know how you do it but I'm just sooo glad you do!! I know you're going to hate this next bit but I'm going to write it anyway!! We have been sooo lucky to have had you writing these stories and this one is another masterpiece, beautifully crafted and brilliantly observed. I loved it. You have such talent. Thank you for writing it, it must have taken hours of work

[kaphc]

Wow!! Just when I think it couldn't get any better than the photoshoot story!!

Well done ROB, that is a brilliant read, it put a smile on my face! !

[chilledbootz]

Stonking R.O.B!!!!. You're a genius!

[milly]

blimey,what was that.

[LEE]

blimey,what was that.

One of ROB's famous stories about Helen and Paul.

Look in the ROB's Little World section on the main page of the forum to read some more.

[milly]

lol,thought i,d stepped into the twilight zone for a minute

[blinkinlovely]

Simply the best.............

[susieq]

ROB - you never fail to impress. You can really paint a picture with words - an enviable talent.

Wonderful story - if only it could happen!

First class, as usual - thanks ROB.

[Maggie]

Wonderful R.O.B.


I can just hear them


Never Stop

[Kaz]

WOW!

A veritable labour of love - and as true to P&H's little world as ever. Sheer genius.

Thank you, ROB - you're a Star!

[Mairi]

Brilliant as ever ROB.

I love your stories, and always look forward to the next one. Don't stop will you?

[chickenthing]

I have just read this and it's fan-bloody-tastic

ROB you are brilliant, it is going to take me a while to read all the other stories but I can't wait.

I can just imagine this interview with louis especially the bit where Paul arrives home and falls over Helen's boots

BRILLIANT!! ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT

[WILDCHILD]

Originally posted by chickenthing
I have just read this and it's fan-bloody-tastic

ROB you are brilliant, it is going to take me a while to read all the other stories but I can't wait.

I can just imagine this interview with louis especially the bit where Paul arrives home and falls over Helen's boots

BRILLIANT!! ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT

ROB is good, isnt she chickenthing!!
I love reading your stories because you can just imagine it so clearly, you have got Paul and Helen off to a T!!!

Kali xxx

[blinkinlovely]

well done ROB
brilliant work asusual
Don't stop writing. Keep us all amused for ever...................!!

[bonzobravo]

ROB

You are an absolute genius!

[Sidrat2006]

okay I'm new here, are they true stories? fictional stories? How the crud did you come up with a script so long??

Seriously though if I ever have a conversation for that long with anyone it'll be a first!!

[Romantic Old Bird]

It's all fiction Sidrat

From a deluded mind.

[cc100]

Originally posted by Romantic Old Bird
It's all fiction Sidrat

From a deluded mind.

But an appreciated one.