[Loukas]

BIZARRE Shagger of The Year RUSSELL BRAND has offered his support to the pervy Pole caught pleasuring himself with Henry the hoover.

As The Sun reported yesterday, the contractor was found by his boss — naked and on his knees with the smiling appliance in the staff canteen — when he was supposed to be locking up the building site in London.

But when Russell was a curious 14-year-old, he once found himself in the same sticky position, while working in a double-glazing factory.

The comic took time out from his hectic LA schedule to pen a touching letter for all those, including me, ready to judge the hoover humper.

He said: “One ought not feel contempt for the Polish builder apprehended at a hospital having sex with Henry the hoover, although there’s little in that sentence that suggests an alternative reaction.

“The lure of Henry is a force I once succumbed to as a lonely youth, it was a reckless and impetuous act — I was in my teens and my options were limited; Henry was by no means my first choice — Matey is too young and Mr Muscle had a headache.

“This poor builder I imagine was also acting out of desperation, I can’t believe that he elbowed aside SARAH HARDING and KEELEY HAZELL to stuff his jolly-rod up what is actually Henry’s nose.

“Any argument to defend his human rights on the basis of ‘what a builder does in the privacy of his own home is no one else’s business’ must be tempered by the fact that this event took place in Great Ormond Street hospital.

“I suppose we should be grateful that he didn’t try and diddle a dialysis machine.

“Myself, I was lucky not to end up in that institute as a result of my brush with ‘Dirty Harry’. The noise he made during it was terrifying and I felt terribly guilty afterwards when I looked at his little fizzog.

“Perhaps ultimately the manufacturers of these sexy little appliances ought be held responsible. Who in their right mind designs a machine with the capacity for suction and then puts a face on it?

“You might as well put eyelashes on a toaster.

“I think the only sensible outcome is for the builder to make an honest hoover out of Henry and marry him in a civil partnership ceremony.

“At least they won’t argue about who does the cleaning.”


The Sun