[Harry!]

http://www.hecklerspray.com/

When shambling oxygen-thief Pete Doherty was recently thrown into prison for the grand total of 14 weeks, hecklerspray felt a murmur within our hearts - a rare glimmer of optimism, if you like.

With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it’d be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining - like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it’s just awesome).

Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won’t stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.

Standing by their frontman, the other members of Babyshambles have announced their plans:

“We will send Pete the first nine burns (recordings) so he can work on them in there. It will give him something to keep him occupied, keep him focused and remind him that outside we’re all holding the fort for him. And also that as soon as he gets out it will be business as usual.”

Not only that - it’ll give him a fantastic defence mechanism while he’s inside. Let’s face it: if a crack-addled convict with a flick-knife was charging at you, what better method of deterrence would there be than to flash the cover of Shotter’s Nation and yell ‘one step closer and I stick this on the stereo, mother****er‘?

You’d be like John Gotti in no time.