[LEE]

From the Daily Record


BIG BROTHER: FEDERICO'S HOUSE CALL
Jun 2 2004


The Big Brother 4 Scot gives his verdict on the contestants, five days after they entered the house


KITTEN

Once you get past her pitifully contrived entrance and the constant 'power to the people' revolutionary rubbish, you find a confused young girl who contradicts herself a lot but can provide great talking points.

VANESSA

Attention please ladies and gentlemen, this is the fittest bird in BB history. Forget Kate Lawler, Anouska and Alison Hammond. Now, if she would only keep her mouth shut and stop talking about positive energy fields

SHELL

When heard there was a Glaswegian called Shell going into the house, I wanted her to be a bit rough so I could call her Shell-suit. Instead what we have here is a Glasgow University girl, who is extremely personable and funny with it.

EMMA

This is Jade Goody repackaged for 2004 or is she? Miss Ditzy, forgetful, nice-but-dim doesn't wash with me and so far Daniel is the only one who has seen through this. About as sincere as Davina McCall.

NADIA

Resembling a slightly less butch version of Kat Slater, Nadia is the alpha male of the house. Nadia should avoid being outed purely because any Portuguese women I ever met had a full goatee and moustache anyway.

MICHELLE

Girls like Michelle can be found in night club/cattle markets and at 4.30am trawling city centre alleyways, face buried in chips and cheese. Repressed, repulsive and repugnant. All-in-all, the quintessential Geordie slapper.

DANIEL

This chap is another who has changed my mind. After soundbites like 'I only go for straight guys' feared the worst. He strikes me as a shrewd game player who has the intelligence to tell people what they want to hear.

AHMED

The phrase 'fish out of water' was conceived for this man. For a homophobe, he is restraining himself well, but get the feeling that at any time he'll totally lose the plot, boil over and we'll have Big Bother.

MARCO

I've got an inclination this lad might be gay. Honestly though, why is it always the half- Italian ones? Vulcan boy would drive you up the wall as a housemate with his pre-pubescent-like screeching and 'zany' hysterics.

STUART

Stuart looks a bit like Alex Sibley unfortunately for him, he is also shares a similar level of charisma. His only real crimes so far have been the Che Guevara headband and the Union Jack shorts.

JASON

Our Jason's mates tell him all the time how funny and how much of a madman he is. Our Jason finishes every sentence with the words 'Ma Man'. Our Jason is a bright orange coloured 'nugget'.

VICTOR

Straight outa Chumpton. Pathetic clichˇstereotype of a stereotype. The So Solid self- parody has not a single shred of individuality or intelligence and only communicates in cringeworthy one-liners. A waste of a human.