[Amy]

THIS year, Paul Merton watched no episodes, whatsoever, of Big Brother. Nonetheless, like everyone else, he couldn’t avoid it. Today, he has a proposal for next year’s, next-level Big Brother 6.

"Guns," he declares, cheerfully. "Everyone should be given a gun when they go in. And they play for bullets. And when they’ve all got a bullet... bring the alcohol in! So you’d need huge guns with massive bullets and very big people in a very small house.

"You could have a starving lion in there. And people have to wear bits of deer on their coats. And you’ve got one poison dart." [Guffaws head off.]

"Wouldn’t it be funny if they came out after two months and the producers said: ‘We actually haven’t been televising this. Nothing. We got bored! And you’ve done it for nothing.’ Well, it’s so cynical isn’t it?"

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