[Amy]

Big Brother 4 contestant Federico Martone, from Glasgow, gives his verdict on how the celebrities are coping behind closed doors

BEZ He's going about his life as normal but instead of performing impromptu dances for degenerate mates, he's performing impromptu dances for his degenerate housemates.

CAPRICE What's wrong with her face? Watch when she laughs or frowns, the forehead stays motionless and unchanged while bizarre little wrinkle lines form round the sides of her eyes.

JOHN McCRIRICK As a strict carnivore, I empathise with his views on vegetarianism. Also, booking his wife into economy while he flies first class is priceless! This one-man civil war must stay in the house.

JACKIE STALLONE What we have here is a neurotic and mentally challenged, cosmetically disfigured, wrinkled, loopy LA rocketwoman - basically a female version of ex- daughter-in-law Brigitte Neilson then.

LISA I'ANSON Lisa got the old Spanish archer from Radio 1 for being late for her show. Or it could have been the fact that she's a conceited, self-absorbed name dropper.

JEREMY EDWARDS Jeremy is quietly working out his next career moves in his mind. Will his profile be raised? Has he harmed his legitimate 'working actor' occupation? Will Rachel take him back now he's more famous?

KENZIE During a conversation with Jackie's psychic dogs I was informed the pre-pubescent, single-digit-IQ, bed-wetting gangsta' rap wannabe will say 'J'ye na' a mean?' another 17,308 times.

BRIGITTE NEILSON Endemol producers were hoping for a Rocky-style confrontation from the two ex-family members.

Instead, we have something that resembles that other Stallone classic, Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Article Daily Record