[ChalkOutlineMan]

I can't say anything more truthful than I feel like my world is shattered. My heart is broken, and my world along with it. Her official time of death was at 4:25pm, but really she was gone long before that. They tried for around two hours to get a heartbeat back. I've said so much today to the ambulance, police, my father, my uncle about what I was thinking and how I was feeling, etc. How I was staying strong in front of them but I knew I'd break down later in private, as would my father. We're that sort of people.

I can't remember exactly what the last thing she said to me was. And that was always a fear I had - that I wouldn't remember the last thing she said to me. I know she asked my father to put the fan on because she was feeling faint. And that's when her head started lulling backward and she looked at me like she was looking right through me. It crushes me to remember the blank look on her face and I wished to God I knew what the last thing she saw was, that she was cognisant of.

Around an hour ago, my father and uncle went for a walk to try and clear their heads. I stayed behind and wanted to clean up her bedroom where she died. It was all rather hectic with the ambulance service coming in and out, and the place was a mess. I just needed something to do, I think. That's when I broke. Picked up her handbag to move it to the side and I just fell against the cupboard door, sobbing and weeping. I wished aloud that I hope there's a God, that I hope there's a heaven and that she's there. Just somewhere in the universe for her to still exist in some sense and that I wish I can see her again someday. I wept for about five minutes, but deeply so, childishly demanding that she be given back to us. I'm sure that's not the last of it, but for the moment it'll do.

I stayed with her body for so long before the coroner finally arrived to collect her body, holding her hand and kissing her forehead, saying lots of random **** like I love you, I'll miss you, etc. And now while I still have my father and of course I love him and I recognise that we have to look out for each other now more than ever before, I still feel so fundamentally and utterly alone in this world now that my mother, my best friend, is gone forever.

I've been comforting myself and my father by saying that at least she was at home and with the people who loved her and that that's all that really counts in the end. I just needed to write this down.