[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

say it quickly

BOOM. BOOM. You've just nicked Mock's award.

[LeatherTrumpet]

The ugly invisible man married an ugly invisible lady




the kids were nothing to look at either

[Liam-]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Hey my bonny son - I hope you don't think your old dad's jokes are crap?

Your jokes have managed to save this thread from the disaster it was inevitably heading towards being, you should be proud

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by LiamPRW

Your jokes have managed to save this thread from the disaster it was inevitably heading towards being, you should be proud

This is why I love you son.

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Two screaming 'Queens' meet on the street.

LuLu says: "Oooh FiFi I haven't seen you in ages. You look brown."

FiFi says: "I know. I've been on a safari holiday to Kenya."

Lulu says: "Ooh you lucky bitch. How did it go".

Fifi says: "How did it go? Don't ask me. The very last day I went for a walk on the edge of the jungle and a 20 stone gorilla jumped on me. He ripped my hotpants off, mounted me and had his wicked way with me for 6 hours."

LuLu says: "Oooh. Was you hurt?"

Fifi says: "Hurt? It's been 3 weeks. He hasn't written, he hasn't phoned."

[kirklancaster]

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

[Jake.]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Two screaming 'Queens' meet on the street.

LuLu says: "Oooh FiFi I haven't seen you in ages. You look brown."

FiFi says: "I know. I've been on a safari holiday to Kenya."

Lulu says: "Ooh you lucky bitch. How did it go".

Fifi says: "How did it go? Don't ask me. The very last day I went for a walk on the edge of the jungle and a 20 stone gorilla jumped on me. He ripped my hotpants off, mounted me and had his wicked way with me for 6 hours."

LuLu says: "Oooh. Was you hurt?"

Fifi says: "Hurt? It's been 3 weeks. He hasn't written, he hasn't phoned."

Originally Posted by Scott

**** SAKE

[kirklancaster]

A priest is walking back to his church carrying a bottle of Holy Water, when he spots little Billy carrying a carboy of Acid. Alarmed the priest tries to get Billy to give the acid to him. Billy refuses, so the priest says: "Look. I'll swap you this Holy Water for it Billy."

Billy says: "No chance. What good is that?"

The priest says: "It's magical Billy. If I put this on a pregnant lady's belly she will pass a baby."

Billy says: "If I put this on a dog's bollocks it'll pass a motorbike."

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

[LeatherTrumpet]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

Disgusting

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

Disgusting

[Liam-]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

[kirklancaster]

Did you watch the 3.30 race at Sandown - 'The Pervert Jockey's Stakes?

The entire field got disqualified for interfering with one another in the last furlong.
................................

Did you see the 4.00 race at Sandown -- 'The Christmas Party Stakes'?

Poor old Luke Morris. He was 10 lengths clear of the field entering the last furlong when a Christmas Pudding hit him in the face. A few seconds later, a Pork Pie hit him, then a 6 Pack of Mince Pies. Half a furlong out a Bottle of Sherry and a Christmas Cake hit him, and he began to drop back. A few seconds later a Full Turkey hit him and a Box of Christmas Crackers, and his horse slowed to a virtual standstill, and three other horses sailed past him.

In the unsaddling enclosure the furious trainer ran up to Luke and said: "You were 10 fecking lengths clear a furlong out and you fecking lose? What happened?

Luke says:"I got hampered".

Boom Boom. This thread must not die.

[Marsh.]

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

why did niamh cross the road

Spoiler:

she is old lol xx

[Josy]

Originally Posted by Scott

why did niamh cross the road

Spoiler:

she is old lol xx

Abandon thread

[kirklancaster]

A true story. (or maybe not )

Ronnie is a patient in a Lunatic Asylum. He's been committed because he suffers from an obsession with hand held catapults. He's been arrested dozens of times for breaking into toy shops and stealing them, and for firing dried peas from them at passers by among other things. The Courts finally lost patience and committed him 10 years ago.

It's Ronnie's annual Assessment Hearing where he is interviewed to see if he is now fit to be released into general society, and Ronnie sits in front of the panel.

The Chairman says: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what would you do?"

Ronnie relpies: "Ooh. I'd go straight out and buy meself a catapult."

Needless to say, Ronnie fails to be released.

A year later Ronnie gives the board the same answer and fails again.

This goes on for five more years and the morning of his next hearing, the Asylum Padre visits Ronnie in his cell to advise him.

"Ronnie" the padre says" You're never going to be released if you keep ranting on about catapults. You've got to wise up. Tell them you want to do normal things".

"Like what?" asks Ronnie.

"Like meeting a girl, getting married. Raising a family - that sort of thing".

The padre coaches Ronnie for a full 2 hours then it's time for his assessment. Ronnie sits in front of the panel. The Chairman asks him: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what's the first thing you'd do?"

"Oh" Ronnie answers. " I'd go buy a new suit and go out to a disco or something - you know, and meet a girl hopefully".

The Board look at each other in surprise. "Go on Ronnie. If you did meet a girl, then what would you do?"

Ronnie says: "I'd kiss her. Then I'd take her down lover's Lane."

"Yes, then what?" said the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Well... I'd lay her down on the grass"

"Go on." Says the Chairman.

"Well" Says Ronnie. "Then I'd take her skirt off."

"Yes" Says the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Then... I'd take her knickers off"

"Then what would you do?" Asks the Chairman.

Ronnie says: "Then... Then... Then I'd take the elastic out of them and make a catapult."
......................................

TAXI!

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by Josy

Abandon thread

Funniest thing on here so far.

[Mystic Mock]

1. What do people say about Footballer Kieron for Arsenal? He needs to Gibb them some more.

2. Which band came up with a song about yellow wee? Coldplay.

3. What does Ben struggle to pronounce? Haenow.

4. What's similar about Lunar and an ass? They're both Moons.

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by The Mockinator

1. What do people say about Footballer Kieron for Arsenal? He needs to Gibb them some more.

2. Which band came up with a song about yellow wee? Coldplay.

3. What does Ben struggle to pronounce? Haenow.

4. What's similar about Lunar and an ass? They're both Moons.

Keep 'em coming Mock

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by The Mockinator

The one thing that you've got to say about Amazon is that they always deliver.

.

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

A true story. (or maybe not )

Ronnie is a patient in a Lunatic Asylum. He's been committed because he suffers from an obsession with hand held catapults. He's been arrested dozens of times for breaking into toy shops and stealing them, and for firing dried peas from them at passers by among other things. The Courts finally lost patience and committed him 10 years ago.

It's Ronnie's annual Assessment Hearing where he is interviewed to see if he is now fit to be released into general society, and Ronnie sits in front of the panel.

The Chairman says: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what would you do?"

Ronnie relpies: "Ooh. I'd go straight out and buy meself a catapult."

Needless to say, Ronnie fails to be released.

A year later Ronnie gives the board the same answer and fails again.

This goes on for five more years and the morning of his next hearing, the Asylum Padre visits Ronnie in his cell to advise him.

"Ronnie" the padre says" You're never going to be released if you keep ranting on about catapults. You've got to wise up. Tell them you want to do normal things".

"Like what?" asks Ronnie.

"Like meeting a girl, getting married. Raising a family - that sort of thing".

The padre coaches Ronnie for a full 2 hours then it's time for his assessment. Ronnie sits in front of the panel. The Chairman asks him: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what's the first thing you'd do?"

"Oh" Ronnie answers. " I'd go buy a new suit and go out to a disco or something - you know, and meet a girl hopefully".

The Board look at each other in surprise. "Go on Ronnie. If you did meet a girl, then what would you do?"

Ronnie says: "I'd kiss her. Then I'd take her down lover's Lane."

"Yes, then what?" said the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Well... I'd lay her down on the grass"

"Go on." Says the Chairman.

"Well" Says Ronnie. "Then I'd take her skirt off."

"Yes" Says the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Then... I'd take her knickers off"

"Then what would you do?" Asks the Chairman.

Ronnie says: "Then... Then... Then I'd take the elastic out of them and make a catapult."
......................................

TAXI!

[kirklancaster]

Pondering Life's Great Mysteries:

Q. If a crab has 2 little nippers, can it claim Family Credit?

Q. If a lady lawyer drops her briefs in court, is she soliciting?

Q. Essex --- Why?

..................................................

[kirklancaster]

Some fascinating one-liners:

"Get down off the AGA Grandma - yer too old to ride the range."

"I knew she was a fishmonger's daughter, when she laid on the slab and said fillet'

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''

An Essex copper is doing his nightly rounds, when he finds an attractive blond girl leaning against a wall in a gloomy back alley. She has her eyes closed, is eating fish and chips and her skirt and knickers are down around her ankles.

The cop nudges her and asks her what she's doing.

She says: "Oh, has he gone?."

.................................

[kirklancaster]

It's late Saturday night and the Chinese Takeaway is crowded. Suddenly it's plunged into darkness as the electricity fails. All the drunken customers start moaning, then the little Chinaman behind the counter says: "No need wowwy. All please raise arms into air". All the drunks put their hands up and the lights come back on.

"Feck me" Said a drunk. "How did yer do that?".

"Old Chinese ploverb" Says the Chinaman "Many Hands Make Light Work".

.................................................. ...