[Josy]

Weird question I know but following on from the would you forgive a cheater thread...

Would you ever or have you ever had an affair? or even cheated.

[Firewire]

josy there was thread on this last week

keep up

[Josy]

No there wasn't?

[Drew.]

Nope

[Firewire]

there was omfg

it was to do with having an affair with a married man i think

[Jords]

Glenn made a thread seeking social-approval

[Glenn.]

I just needed some guidance

[Ammi]

..no never, I think if you're committed to a relationship and you then have feelings for someone else that you want to pursue, then you should end that relationship first..it'll still be painful for the other person but they won't have the lying/deception part of as well and that does make it so much worse...

..I also don't believe in 'you can't help who you fall in love with/don't expect these things' either, you can help it, it's completely in your control...you can't help who you meet and if you find yourself attracted to them but you always have a choice whether to pursue that attraction further or whether to walk away from it and be with your current partner...

[thesheriff443]

there is a question on the bb application form that reads, if you could have sex with another person and your other half would never find out!, would you.

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..no never, I think if you're committed to a relationship and you then have feelings for someone else that you want to pursue, then you should end that relationship first..it'll still be painful for the other person but they won't have the lying/deception part of as well and that does make it so much worse...

..I also don't believe in 'you can't help who you fall in love with/don't expect these things' either, you can help it, it's completely in your control...you can't help who you meet and if you find yourself attracted to them but you always have a choice whether to pursue that attraction further or whether to walk away from it and be with your current partner...

most affairs happen, when someone is giving you the attention your other half is not!.

you can be unfaithful to your other half without having sex!

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by thesheriff443

most affairs happen, when someone is giving you the attention your other half is not!.

you can be unfaithful to your other half without having sex!

..yeah, I understand that, being 'unfaithful' is usually defined by what the mutual boundaries set down in a particular relationship are..and for me personally, I still hold with my opinion...if you are committed to a relationship that you want to keep and you feel any of those 'boundaries' are in danger, then you have the option to walk away from a situation...if you don't want to keep your current relationship, then end that fist...

..I don't actually mean you personally when I say 'you'...people in general...

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..yeah, I understand that, being 'unfaithful' is usually defined by what the mutual boundaries set down in a particular relationship are..and for me personally, I still hold with my opinion...if you are committed to a relationship that you want to keep and you feel any of those 'boundaries' are in danger, then you have the option to walk away from a situation...if you don't want to keep your current relationship, then end that fist...

..I don't actually mean you personally when I say 'you'...people in general...

my post was not aimed at your opionion, just in general
I think people don't think like you! in general, affairs are like being offered a new job, you see whats being offered, but you don't run in and tell your old boss your leaving straight away!

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by thesheriff443

my post was not aimed at your opionion, just in general
I think people don't think like you! in general, affairs are like being offered a new job, you see whats being offered, but you don't run in and tell your old boss your leaving straight away!

..I didn't understand that bit Sheriff..?...but the reason I said in my first post that people had the choice to act on attraction is also because the question was 'would you have an affair'..and that's generally people's perception of an affair but I do know 'being unfaithful' is defined by the individual couple's boundaries....I also think that people see things based on their own experience or the experience of people around them who they have seen hurt by such things, so I think my opinions are quite common...

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..I didn't understand that bit Sheriff..?...but the reason I said in my first post that people had the choice to act on attraction is also because the question was 'would you have an affair'..and that's generally people's perception of an affair but I do know 'being unfaithful' is defined by the individual couple's boundaries....I also think that people see things based on their own experience or the experience of people around them who they have seen hurt by such things, so I think my opinions are quite common...

you make it sound like having an affair is black and white, its not, people stay in unhappy relationships all the time, and they test the water!,
people don't tend to jump out of one relationship into another its a lot slower.
affairs happen for different reasons and start in different ways.

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by thesheriff443

you make it sound like having an affair is black and white, its not, people stay in unhappy relationships all the time, and they test the water!,
people don't tend to jump out of one relationship into another its a lot slower.
affairs happen for different reasons and start in different ways.

..I'm sorry Sheriff, I'm not really sure what you're saying..well I think I am with some of it but if people 'don't jump out of one and into another'..then they're ending the current relationship first, is that what you're saying..?...that's not an affair as such then...maybe it is technically if they're married but they're not deceiving their partner..?....

..and yes, having an affair really is black and white...emotions/feelings etc may not be black and white but the choice to act on them is...you either end your current relationship before you act on them and are honest or decide to stay with your partner and don't act on them because you feel that your commitment to your partner is stronger and the thing that you want...it really is that simple....

EDIT:..and yeah they start in different ways because you've allowed them to start...

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..I'm sorry Sheriff, I'm not really sure what you're saying..well I think I am with some of it but if people 'don't jump out of one and into another'..then they're ending the current relationship first, is that what you're saying..?...that's not an affair as such then...maybe it is technically if they're married but they're not deceiving their partner..?....

..and yes, having an affair really is black and white...emotions/feelings etc may not be black and white but the choice to act on them is...you either end your current relationship before you act on them and are honest or decide to stay with your partner and don't act on them because you feel that your commitment to your partner is stronger and the thing that you want...it really is that simple....

EDIT:..and yeah they start in different ways because you've allowed them to start...

people don't just wake up one day and say im going to start an affair today
some people have affairs because they are unhappy with the person they are with but feel they cant leave because of things like kids.
or being an out cast from their family or religion.

[Jessica.]

Never.

[Cherie]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..I'm sorry Sheriff, I'm not really sure what you're saying..well I think I am with some of it but if people 'don't jump out of one and into another'..then they're ending the current relationship first, is that what you're saying..?...that's not an affair as such then...maybe it is technically if they're married but they're not deceiving their partner..?....

..and yes, having an affair really is black and white...emotions/feelings etc may not be black and white but the choice to act on them is...you either end your current relationship before you act on them and are honest or decide to stay with your partner and don't act on them because you feel that your commitment to your partner is stronger and the thing that you want...it really is that simple....

EDIT:..and yeah they start in different ways because you've allowed them to start...

I don't believe life is ever that simple, people stay in unhappy relationships for all sorts of reason, there are children involved, financial reasons, religious reasons. Ending a longstanding relations ship because you think the grass is greener on the other side would be catastrophic for some couples. Is it not often the case once the excitement of wears off then the person returns to their long standing partner and the relationship can actually improve as they realise what the jepordised in the first place? Of course it is never ideal, and utopia is to stay faithful to your partner throughout your life. But as Sherrif says being unfaithful to your partner comes in all guises, having secret relationships online could be considered being being unfaithful.

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by thesheriff443

people don't just wake up one day and say im going to start an affair today
some people have affairs because they are unhappy with the person they are with but feel they cant leave because of things like kids.
or being an out cast from their family or religion.

...in my experience, children are much happier in single parent situations rather than having two parents who don't want to be with each other, so I don't agree with the 'for the kids' thing...and if they feel so much for this other person that they can't not be with them then I still hold that must make it worth being an 'outcast'...to have an affair is just a cop out because you're not protecting anyone except yourself....

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Cherie

I don't believe life is ever that simple, people stay in unhappy relationships for all sorts of reason, there are children involved, financial reasons, religious reasons. Ending a longstanding relations ship because you think the grass is greener on the other side would be catastrophic for some couples. Is it not often the case once the excitement of wears off then the person returns to their long standing partner and the relationship can actually improve as they realise what the jepordised in the first place? Of course it is never ideal, and utopia is to stay faithful to your partner throughout your life. But as Sherrif says being unfaithful to your partner comes in all guises, having secret relationships online could be considered being being unfaithful.

..I'm sorry, I don't agree Cherie..there might be reason other than love etc when people stay in reltionships..whether they are right to so or not, that's not really relevant as that's their decision..but they don't have to have an affair..having an affair is a personal choice..their lives may be complicated but the choice to have an affair really is quite simple...being 'unhappy' and 'having an affair' do not go hand in hand and one has to mean the other...

[billy123]

Originally Posted by Firewire

josy there was thread on this last week

keep up

The other thread was would you have sex with someone who is married thats a completely different question. Keep up firewire fgs

Originally Posted by thesheriff443

you make it sound like having an affair is black and white, its not, people stay in unhappy relationships all the time, and they test the water!,
people don't tend to jump out of one relationship into another its a lot slower.
affairs happen for different reasons and start in different ways.

Thats not a reason to cheat thats just the reasoning of someone too weak to take control of their own life. Thats a pitiful excuse.
---

Falling in love with another person happens and if it happens while you are with someone else then its your responsibility to decide your future regardless of your circumstances you have to choose one or the other and be open about it.

People who cheat are cowards,lowlifes and weak people.

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Ammi

...in my experience, children are much happier in single parent situations rather than having two parents who don't want to be with each other, so I don't agree with the 'for the kids' thing...and if they feel so much for this other person that they can't not be with them then I still hold that must make it worth being an 'outcast'...to have an affair is just a cop out because you're not protecting anyone except yourself....

its clear i'm not going to change the way you think!, and I don't need to either!.
but I will say this, an affair is wrong but its more complicated than you believe.

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by bobnot

The other thread was would you have sex with someone who is married thats a completely different question. Keep up firewire fgs



Thats not a reason to cheat thats just the reasoning of someone too weak to take control of their own life. Thats a pitiful excuse.
---

Falling in love with another person happens and if it happens while you are with someone else then its your responsibility to decide your future regardless of your circumstances you have to choose one or the other and be open about it.

People who cheat are cowards,lowlifes and weak people.

so you meet some one you like and straight away you go home and end a long term relationship, don't be silly!

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by thesheriff443

its clear i'm not going to change the way you think!, and I don't need to either!.
but I will say this, an affair is wrong but its more complicated than you believe.

..I think it's quite rare that people change others opinions because they're quite often based on our own associations with things from the people around us and who we car about...

..and I do agree that feelings/emotions are complicated and you can't always plan for them but acting on them is always a personal choice...

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by thesheriff443

so you meet some one you like and straight away you go home and end a long term relationship, don't be silly!

..so don't act on liking them then..if you don't feel that you can keep the relationship as 'friends' then avoid it as much as you can and certainly in a way that you think it may advance further...